The Best Funny Quotes

Collection of the best funny quotes.

If you want to know what you'll look like in ten years, look in the mirror after you've run a maraphon.

Jeff Scaff

To describe the agony of a marathon to somebody who's never run it is like trying to explain colour to a person who was born blind.

Jerome Drayton

You don't run 26 miles at five minutes a mile on good looks and a secret recipe.

Frank Shorter

I know that you learned how to play bridge only yesterday, but what timeyesterday?

George S. Kaufman

I used to think the only use for sport was to give small boys something else to kick besides me.

Katharine Whitehorn

I'm afraid I play no outdoor games at all, except dominoes. I have sometimes played dominoes outside a French café.

Oscar Wilde

I climbed Mount Everest - from the inside.

Spike Milligan

The hardest thing about climbing Mount Everest was pissing through six inches of clothing with a three-inch penis.

Unnamed climber

Chess is seldom found above the upper-middle class. It's too hard.

Paul Fussell

When I was four years old, I played chess against ten people all at once - blindfolded. I lost every game.

Robert Benchley

Chess is as elaborate a waste of human intelligance as you could find outside an advertising agency.

Raymond Chandler

I had lunch with a chess champion the other day. I knew he was a chess champion because it took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.

Eric Sykes

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Woody Allen

I was watching what I thought was sumo wrestling on the television for two hours before I realised it was darts.

Hattie Hayridge

A friend got me seats to the World Series. From where I sat, the game was just a rumour.

Henny Youngman

Hating the New York Yankees is as American as apple pie, unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.

Mike Royko

You know what I love best about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt – and that's just in the hot-dogs.

David Letterman

Baseball is like watching grass - no, Astroturf, grow.

Jeff Jarvis

The last positive thing England did for cricket was invent it.

Ian Chappell

A loving wife is better than making 50 at cricket or even 99; beyond that I will not go.

James Barrie

Facing a fast bowler is like standing in the outside lane of the M1, and when a car is 22 yards away, try to get out of the way.

Alec Stewart

England is not ruined because sinewy brown men from a distant colony sometimes hit a ball further and oftener than we do.

J.B. Priestley

I am to cricket what Dame Sybil Thorndike is to non-ferrous welding.

Frank Muir

If the French noblesse had been capable of playing cricket with their peasants, their chateaux would never have been burnt.

George Trevelyan

My definition of a foreigner is someone who doesn't understand cricket.

Anthony Couch

Personally, I have always looked on cricket as organized loafing.

William Temple

Cricket is basically baseball on Valium.

Robin Williams

I watched a cricket match for three hours waiting for it to start.

Groucho Marx

I took an American friend to watch her first ever game of cricket. She took one look at the umpires and said, 'What are the butchers for?

Alan Henderson

The miss on the red will go straight out of my head as soon as I collect my pension book.

John Parrott

Snooker is just chess with balls.

Clive James

If horse racing is the sport of kings, then drag racing must be the sport of queens.

Bert R. Sugar

Bill Shoemaker didn't ride a horse, he joined them. Most riders beat horses as if they were guards in slave-labour camps. Shoe treated them as if he were asking them to dance.

Jim Murray

My horse was in the lead, coming down the home stretch, but the caddie fell off.

Sam Goldwyn

John McCririck looks like a hedge dragged through a man backwards.

Clive James

To own a racehourse is the equivalent of burning a yacht on the front lawn every year.

Adam Nicholson

Ocean racing is like standing under a cold shower in a howling gale tearing up twenty-pound notes.

Edward Heath

When Mike Tyson gets mad, you don't need a referee, you need a priest.

Jim Murray

Mike Tyson brought the evening to a premature close by snacking on the ears of Evander Holyfield. The rules of boxing are quite clear on this: fighters are not allowed to eat each other.

Giles Smith

I'd like to borrow Muhammad Ali's body for just 48 hours. There are three guys I'd like to beat up and four women I'd like to make love to.

Jim Murray

My toughest fight was with my first wife.

Muhammad Ali

I got into the ring with Muhammad Ali once and I had him worried for a while. He thought he’d killed me.

Tommy Cooper

Boxing is a lot of white men watching two black men beat each other up.

Muhammad Ali

To me, boxing is like ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

Jack Handey

Never bet on the white guy - that's all I know when it comes to boxing.

Lt Frank Dreblin, Naked Gun

The biggest mistake I ever made at the Monte Carlo Rally was to let my wife go shopping by herself.

Mario Andretti

The racing car in front is absolutely unique, except for the racing car behind which is absolutely identical.

Murray Walkker

Cornering is like bringing a woman to a climax.

Jackie Stewart

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

Dave Barry

Show me a good sport and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade.

Leo Durocher

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