The Best Funny Quotes

Collection of the best funny quotes.

The council election in Bolton has been done by e-mail, and was won by Click Here For Penis Enlargement.

Armando Ianucci

We used to have lots of questions to which there were no answers. Now, with the computer, there are lots of answers to which we haven't thought up the questions.

Peter Ustinov

The trouble with the Internet is that it is replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

Patrick Murray

The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in, 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire,' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.

Richard Jeni

They call it 'surfing' the net. It's not surfing. It's typing in your bedroom.

Jack Dee

The Internet is so big, so powerful and so pointless that for some people it is a complete substitute for life.

Andrew Brown

Getting information from the Internet is like trying to get a glass of water from Niagara Falls.

Arthur C. Clarke

When I log on to AOL it says, 'You've got problems.

Richard Lewis

How do I set my laser printer to stun?

Chris Moyles

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

Emo Philips

Bill Gates is only a white Persian cat and a monocle away from being the villain in a James Bond movie.

Dennis Miller

I have emerged unscathed from the information explosion.

Henry Martin

Bill Gates declared to the world, 'I am Microsoft.' Mrs Gates had no comment.

Whoopi Goldberg

Computers are like humans - they do everything except think.

John Von Neumann

I don't know anything about computers. I don't even know how often to change the oil.

Buzz Nutley

I got a computer. I wrote an apology note to my VCR for ever thinking it was difficult. You find someone in this country who can print out an envelope.

Elayne Booster

In view of all the deadly computer viruses that have been spreading lately, I would like to remind you: when you link up to another computer, you're linking up to every computer that that computer has ever linked up to.

Dennis Miller

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history, with the possible exception of handguns and tequila.

Mitch Ratcliffe

Computers don't poop, fart, luck or laugh, and cannot detect irony. These, then, are the distinguishing characteristics of humanity.

Eric Idle

To Start Press Any Key. Where's the ANY key?

Common query to computer helplines

To err is human and to blame it on the computer is even more so.

Robert Orben

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

Paul Ehrlich

No matter which computer you buy, no matter how much money you spend, by the time you get it back to your car, it's an eight-track tape player.

Dennis Miller

A computer is like an Old Testament God - lots of rules and no mercy.

Joseph Campbell

- Still 666?

Bebe Glazer and Frasier Crane, Frasier

Have youevernoticed that wrong numbers are never engaged?

Steven Wright

You're at home you're on the phone, you're in the car you're makin' calls, you get to work, 'Any messages for me?' You've got to give people a chance to miss you a little hit.

Jerry Seinfeld

I climbed a mountain and hollered, 'Hellooo!' A voice came back, 'The echo is busy at the moment. Leave a message at the beep, and we'll get back to you.

Eddie Izzard

Why not give your son a motorcycle for his last birthday?

Colin Bowles

When I'm on a plane, I can never get my seat to recline more than a couple of centimetres, but the guy in front of me - his seat comes back far enough for me to do dental work on him.

Ellen DeGeneres

Jumping into the sea is a certain cure for seasickness.

John Ruskin

The nice thing about a plane crashing at an air show is that they always have good video footage of the actual crash.

George Carlin

My inclination to go by Air Express is confirmed by the crash they had yesterday, which will make them careful in the immediate future.

A.E. Housman

I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always, 'cos you never hear of a plane backing into a mountain.

Tommy Cooper

The ship is sinking. We must try and save it. Help me get it into the lifeboat.

Spike Milligan

You know the oxygen on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.

Rita Rudner

If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport.

Jonathan Winters

I like terra firma. The more firma, the less terra.

George S. Kaufman

There ought to be a requirement that crying babies have to go into the overhead compartment.

Bobby Slayton

I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when the flight attendant warned us to keep our hands and arms inside the aircraft while it was in motion. The airsick bag was printed with the Lord's Prayer.

Les Dawson

Experts say you're more likely to get hurt crossing the street than you are flying, but that doesn't make me feel any less frightened of flying. If anything, it makes me more afraid of crossing the street.

Ellen DeGeneres

If God had intended us to fly, he would have sent us tickets.

Mel Brooks

Airline pilots don't need much of an excuse for a celebration drink. If it isn't someone's birthday, they'll celebrate the fact that all the lifts in the hotel are working.

Anonymous British Airways source

Flying a plane is no different from riding a bicycle. It's just a lot harder to put baseball cards in the spokes.

Captain Rex Kramer, Airplane!

How difficult can it be to fly a plane? I mean, John Travolta learned how.

Graham Chapman

Motto of the US airline industry: 'We're Hoping to Have a Motto Announcement in About an Hour.

Dave Barry

Seasickness comes in two stages - in the first, you're afraid you're going to die, in the second, you're afraid you're not going to.

Sandi Toksvig

The transatlantic crossing was so rough that the only thing I could keep on my stomach was the first mate.

Dorothy Parker

A girl never really looks as well she does on board a steamship, or even a yacht.

Anita Loos

Being in a ship is like being in a jail, with the option of drowning.

Samuel Johnson

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