The Best Funny Quotes


Collection of the best funny quotes.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Groucho Marx

I once had a dog who actually believed he was man's best friend. He kept trying to borrow money from me.

Gene Perret

He has not an enemy in the world, and none of his friends like him.

Oscar Wilde

The proper office of a friend is to side with you when you are in the wrong. Nearly everybody will side with you when you are in the right.

Mark Twain

Greater love hath no man than this, that he lay down his friends for his life.

Jeremy Thorpe

Whenever a friend succeeds, a little something dies in me.

Gore Vidal

There is no spectacle more agreeable than to observe an old friend fall from a rooftop.

Confucius

The Bible tells us to forgive our enemies; not our friends.

Margot Asquith

It is always painful to part from people whom one has known for a very brief space of time. The absence of old friends one can endure with equanimity.

Oscar Wilde

A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

Oscar Wilde

Money can't buy you friends but you get a better class of enemy.

Spike Milligan

Love your enemies, just in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards.

R.A. Dickson

I prefer acquaintances to friends. They don't expect you to call or go to their children's weddings.

A.A. Gill

Save, save, oh, save me from the Candid Friend.

George Canning

One sure way to lose another woman's friendship is to try to improve her flower arrangements.

Marcelene Cox

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But onlyif you are serious about adopting the vulture.

Jack Handey

The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won't get much sleep.

Woody Allen

Baldrick, does it have to be this way? Our valued friendship ending with me cutting you into long strips and telling the Prince you walked over a very sharp cattle grid in an extremely heavy hat?

BlackadderIII

Doc Daneeka was his friend and would do just about nothing in his power to help him.

Joseph Heller

The draft board examiner asked me if I thought I was capable of killing. I told him I wasn't sure about strangers, but friends, certainly.

Oscar Levant

The great thing about befriending recovering alcoholics is that you're never short of a ride home.

Billy Connolly

Harry Truman said, 'If you want a friend in Wasington, get a dog,' but I don't need one because I have Barbara.

George Bush Sr

My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.

Henny Youngman

A friend is someone who will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.

Erma Bombeck

My true friends have always given me that supreme proof of devotion - a spontaneous aversion to the man I loved.

Colette

A true friend is one who stabs you in the front.

Oscar Wilde

My mother used to say, there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet. She's now in a maximum-security twilight home in Australia.

Dame Edna Everage

A friend is someone you don't have to talk to any more once the food is on the table.

Sabrina Matthews

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Milton Berle

A friend is someone who will hide you.

Philip Roth

Friends are people who borrow books and set wet glasses on them.

E.A. Robinson

She's my best friend. She thinks I'm too thin, and I think she's a natural blonde.

Carrie Snow

Of all the friends I've ever had, you're the first.

Bender, Futurama

The nice thing about egoists is that they don't talk about other people.

Lucille S. Harper

Don't be so humble. You're not that great.

Golda Meir

Modesty is the hope that other people will discover by themselves how wonderful we really are.

Aldo Cammarota

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.

Oscar Wilde

I'm ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is ready for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Winston Churchill

Winston Churchill would make a drum out of the skin of his mother the louder to sing his own praises.

David Lloyd George

His great dream is to die in his own arms.

Irving Rudd

If you had to do it all over would you fall in love with yourself again?

Oscar Levant to George Gershwin

He's a self-made man who worships his creator.

William Cowper

An egotist is a person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.

Ambrose Bierce

She has an ego like a raging tooth.

W.B. Yeats

Pavarotti is not vain, but conscious of being unique.

Peter Ustinov

My chief regret in the theatre is that I could never sit in the audience and watch me.

John Barrymore

Some of the greatest love affiars I have known involved one actor, unassisted.

Wilson Mizner

I question everything I do in the light of what Jesus Christ would have done.

Jane Fonda

An inferiority complex would be a blessing if only the right people had it.

Alan Reed

I like to be introduced as America's foremost actor. It saves the necessity of further effort.

John Barrymore

More Funny Quotes