If you want to know what you'll look like in ten years, look in the mirror after you've run a maraphon.
To describe the agony of a marathon to somebody who's never run it is like trying to explain colour to a person who was born blind.
You don't run 26 miles at five minutes a mile on good looks and a secret recipe.
I know that you learned how to play bridge only yesterday, but what timeyesterday?
I used to think the only use for sport was to give small boys something else to kick besides me.
I'm afraid I play no outdoor games at all, except dominoes. I have sometimes played dominoes outside a French café.
I climbed Mount Everest - from the inside.
The hardest thing about climbing Mount Everest was pissing through six inches of clothing with a three-inch penis.
Chess is seldom found above the upper-middle class. It's too hard.
When I was four years old, I played chess against ten people all at once - blindfolded. I lost every game.
Chess is as elaborate a waste of human intelligance as you could find outside an advertising agency.
I had lunch with a chess champion the other day. I knew he was a chess champion because it took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
I was watching what I thought was sumo wrestling on the television for two hours before I realised it was darts.
A friend got me seats to the World Series. From where I sat, the game was just a rumour.
Hating the New York Yankees is as American as apple pie, unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.
You know what I love best about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt – and that's just in the hot-dogs.
Baseball is like watching grass - no, Astroturf, grow.
The last positive thing England did for cricket was invent it.
A loving wife is better than making 50 at cricket or even 99; beyond that I will not go.
Facing a fast bowler is like standing in the outside lane of the M1, and when a car is 22 yards away, try to get out of the way.
England is not ruined because sinewy brown men from a distant colony sometimes hit a ball further and oftener than we do.
I am to cricket what Dame Sybil Thorndike is to non-ferrous welding.
If the French noblesse had been capable of playing cricket with their peasants, their chateaux would never have been burnt.
My definition of a foreigner is someone who doesn't understand cricket.
Personally, I have always looked on cricket as organized loafing.
Cricket is basically baseball on Valium.
I watched a cricket match for three hours waiting for it to start.
I took an American friend to watch her first ever game of cricket. She took one look at the umpires and said, 'What are the butchers for?
The miss on the red will go straight out of my head as soon as I collect my pension book.
Snooker is just chess with balls.
If horse racing is the sport of kings, then drag racing must be the sport of queens.
Bill Shoemaker didn't ride a horse, he joined them. Most riders beat horses as if they were guards in slave-labour camps. Shoe treated them as if he were asking them to dance.
My horse was in the lead, coming down the home stretch, but the caddie fell off.
John McCririck looks like a hedge dragged through a man backwards.
To own a racehourse is the equivalent of burning a yacht on the front lawn every year.
Ocean racing is like standing under a cold shower in a howling gale tearing up twenty-pound notes.
When Mike Tyson gets mad, you don't need a referee, you need a priest.
Mike Tyson brought the evening to a premature close by snacking on the ears of Evander Holyfield. The rules of boxing are quite clear on this: fighters are not allowed to eat each other.
I'd like to borrow Muhammad Ali's body for just 48 hours. There are three guys I'd like to beat up and four women I'd like to make love to.
My toughest fight was with my first wife.
I got into the ring with Muhammad Ali once and I had him worried for a while. He thought he’d killed me.
Boxing is a lot of white men watching two black men beat each other up.
To me, boxing is like ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
Never bet on the white guy - that's all I know when it comes to boxing.
The biggest mistake I ever made at the Monte Carlo Rally was to let my wife go shopping by herself.
The racing car in front is absolutely unique, except for the racing car behind which is absolutely identical.
Cornering is like bringing a woman to a climax.
Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.
Show me a good sport and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade.