Why not give your son a motorcycle for his last birthday?
When I'm on a plane, I can never get my seat to recline more than a couple of centimetres, but the guy in front of me - his seat comes back far enough for me to do dental work on him.
Jumping into the sea is a certain cure for seasickness.
The nice thing about a plane crashing at an air show is that they always have good video footage of the actual crash.
My inclination to go by Air Express is confirmed by the crash they had yesterday, which will make them careful in the immediate future.
I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always, 'cos you never hear of a plane backing into a mountain.
The ship is sinking. We must try and save it. Help me get it into the lifeboat.
You know the oxygen on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.
If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
I like terra firma. The more firma, the less terra.
There ought to be a requirement that crying babies have to go into the overhead compartment.
I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when the flight attendant warned us to keep our hands and arms inside the aircraft while it was in motion. The airsick bag was printed with the Lord's Prayer.
Experts say you're more likely to get hurt crossing the street than you are flying, but that doesn't make me feel any less frightened of flying. If anything, it makes me more afraid of crossing the street.
If God had intended us to fly, he would have sent us tickets.
Airline pilots don't need much of an excuse for a celebration drink. If it isn't someone's birthday, they'll celebrate the fact that all the lifts in the hotel are working.
Flying a plane is no different from riding a bicycle. It's just a lot harder to put baseball cards in the spokes.
How difficult can it be to fly a plane? I mean, John Travolta learned how.
Motto of the US airline industry: 'We're Hoping to Have a Motto Announcement in About an Hour.
Seasickness comes in two stages - in the first, you're afraid you're going to die, in the second, you're afraid you're not going to.
The transatlantic crossing was so rough that the only thing I could keep on my stomach was the first mate.
A girl never really looks as well she does on board a steamship, or even a yacht.
Being in a ship is like being in a jail, with the option of drowning.
Public transport should be avoided with precisely the same zeal that one accords Herpes ll.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
When I'm on the train, why do I always end up sitting next to the woman who's eating the individual fruit pie by sucking the filling out through the hole in the middle?
Probably the most common of all antagonisms arises from a man taking a seat beside you on a train.
Sir, Saturday morning, although recurring at regular and well-foreseen intervals, always seems to take this railway station by surprise.
On Sunday, I took a train, which didn't seem to want to go to Newcastle.
So I said to the train driver, 'I want to go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well, I've done a bit of telly, but I'm no Dean Martin.
If you can read this, the bitch fell off.
Did you hear about the American Siamese twins who came to England so that the other one could drive?
Wouldn't it be nice if the wattage of a car stereo could not exceed the IQ of the driver?
When buying a used car, punch the buttons on the radio. If all the stations are rock 'n' roll, there's a good chance the transmission is shot.
A survey has shown that the average man has had sex in a car 15 times. Something to keep in mind next time you're looking for a used car.
A friend of mine was so fed up with the train delays and cancellations that he threw himselt onto the track. Died of exposure.
The next train has gone ten minutes ago.
The only way of catching a train I ever discovered is to miss the train before.
My wife came home and said she had some good news and some bad news about the car. I said, 'What's the good news?' She said, 'The airbag works.
My garage's motto seems to be, 'If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Whenever I pick up a hitchhiker I say, 'Buckle your seat belt, buddy, I want to try something I saw in a cartoon.
Do they need tinted windows in limousines? You see a limo go by, you know it's either a rich guy or fifty prom kids with a couple of dollars each.
What do I think of Volkswagens? I've been in bigger women.
If the automobile had followed the same development pattern as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost a thousand dollars, do a million miles to the gallon, and explode once a year killing everyone inside.
I drove my car up to a toll bridge. The man said, '50 cents.' I said, 'Sold.
I've called my car Flattery because it gets me nowhere.
One way to solve all the traffic problems would be to keep all the cars that aren't paid for off the streets.
I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity.
A car is just a moving, giant handbag. You never have actually to carry groceries, or dry cleaning, or anything. You can have five pairs of shoes with you at all times.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere.
I'd marry a midget just for the handicapped parking.
The slowest drivers in the world are those people who are getting out of the parking space you want to get into.
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
Robinson's Law: the guy you beat out of a prime parking space is the one you have to see for a job interview.
Finding a parking space is like going to a prostitute: why pay for one when if you apply yourself you can get it for free?
Parking space: an unoccupied place on the other side of the street.
I've just solved the parking problem. I bought a parked car.
The quickest way to make a red light turn green is to try to find something in the glove compartment.
I heard most accidents happen within five miles of home, so I've moved ten miles away.
Parking is such street sorrow.
We bought a Suzuki jeep and the wife turned it over. I said, 'How did it happen?' She said, 'There was a pine tree, and I went to the left and it swung to the left, I went to the right and it swung to the right.' I said, 'It was the air-freshener, you twat.
CAUTION: Water on Road During Rain
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
SLOW, NO HOSPITAL
I went down to campaign against the bypass scheme, but I got stuck in traffic.
What about those red balls they have on car aerials so you can spot your car in a car park. I think all cars should have them.
Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anybody going faster than you is a maniac.
Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on the windscreen, it said, 'Parking Fine'.
Save money on expensive personalized car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate.
That's okay, we can walk to the kerb from here.
My licence plate says PMS. Nobody cuts me up.
Driving hasn't been the same since I installed funhouse rear-view mirrors.
I think all cars should have car phones in them and their licence plates should be their phone number so you can call them up and tell them to get the hell out of the way.
I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster. Go for it.
Until you've learned to drive, you've never really learned how to swear.
A motorist is a person who, after seeing a serious wreck, drives carefully for several blocks.
A pedestrian is someone who thought he had put petrol in his tank.
My father told me that if I saw a man in a Rolls-Royce, you could be sure he was not a gentleman unless he was a chauffeur.
Whenever I rent a car, in order to cut down on the mileage rate, I reverse everywhere.
What's the fastest car in the world? A rental car.
It's fast, my Cortina. You could drive 50 miles for a bag of chips in this car and they'd still he warm when you got home.
Everywhere in life is somewhere else and you get there in a car.
I have done almost every human activity inside a taxi which does not require main drainage.
I phoned my local cab firm and said: 'Can you please send me a big fat racist bastard with a personal hygiene problem some time before I have my menopause?