If you want to know what you'll look like in ten years, look in the mirror after you've run a maraphon.
To describe the agony of a marathon to somebody who's never run it is like trying to explain colour to a person who was born blind.
You don't run 26 miles at five minutes a mile on good looks and a secret recipe.
I know that you learned how to play bridge only yesterday, but what timeyesterday?
I used to think the only use for sport was to give small boys something else to kick besides me.
I'm afraid I play no outdoor games at all, except dominoes. I have sometimes played dominoes outside a French café.
I climbed Mount Everest - from the inside.
The hardest thing about climbing Mount Everest was pissing through six inches of clothing with a three-inch penis.
Chess is seldom found above the upper-middle class. It's too hard.
When I was four years old, I played chess against ten people all at once - blindfolded. I lost every game.
Chess is as elaborate a waste of human intelligance as you could find outside an advertising agency.
I had lunch with a chess champion the other day. I knew he was a chess champion because it took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
I was watching what I thought was sumo wrestling on the television for two hours before I realised it was darts.
A friend got me seats to the World Series. From where I sat, the game was just a rumour.
Hating the New York Yankees is as American as apple pie, unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.
You know what I love best about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt – and that's just in the hot-dogs.
Baseball is like watching grass - no, Astroturf, grow.
The last positive thing England did for cricket was invent it.
A loving wife is better than making 50 at cricket or even 99; beyond that I will not go.
Facing a fast bowler is like standing in the outside lane of the M1, and when a car is 22 yards away, try to get out of the way.
England is not ruined because sinewy brown men from a distant colony sometimes hit a ball further and oftener than we do.
I am to cricket what Dame Sybil Thorndike is to non-ferrous welding.
If the French noblesse had been capable of playing cricket with their peasants, their chateaux would never have been burnt.
My definition of a foreigner is someone who doesn't understand cricket.
Personally, I have always looked on cricket as organized loafing.
Cricket is basically baseball on Valium.
I watched a cricket match for three hours waiting for it to start.
I took an American friend to watch her first ever game of cricket. She took one look at the umpires and said, 'What are the butchers for?
The miss on the red will go straight out of my head as soon as I collect my pension book.
Snooker is just chess with balls.
If horse racing is the sport of kings, then drag racing must be the sport of queens.
Bill Shoemaker didn't ride a horse, he joined them. Most riders beat horses as if they were guards in slave-labour camps. Shoe treated them as if he were asking them to dance.
My horse was in the lead, coming down the home stretch, but the caddie fell off.
John McCririck looks like a hedge dragged through a man backwards.
To own a racehourse is the equivalent of burning a yacht on the front lawn every year.
Ocean racing is like standing under a cold shower in a howling gale tearing up twenty-pound notes.
When Mike Tyson gets mad, you don't need a referee, you need a priest.
Mike Tyson brought the evening to a premature close by snacking on the ears of Evander Holyfield. The rules of boxing are quite clear on this: fighters are not allowed to eat each other.
I'd like to borrow Muhammad Ali's body for just 48 hours. There are three guys I'd like to beat up and four women I'd like to make love to.
My toughest fight was with my first wife.
I got into the ring with Muhammad Ali once and I had him worried for a while. He thought he’d killed me.
Boxing is a lot of white men watching two black men beat each other up.
To me, boxing is like ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
Never bet on the white guy - that's all I know when it comes to boxing.
The biggest mistake I ever made at the Monte Carlo Rally was to let my wife go shopping by herself.
The racing car in front is absolutely unique, except for the racing car behind which is absolutely identical.
Cornering is like bringing a woman to a climax.
Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.
Show me a good sport and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade.
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
Practically every game played internationally today was invented in Britain, and when foreigners became good enough to match or even defeat the British, the British quickly invented a new game.
Losing the Super Bowl is worse than death. With death, you don't have to get up the next morning.
Dr Strabismus of Utrecht is carrying out research work with a view to crossing salmon with mosquitoes. He says it will mean a bite every time for fisherman.
Fishing is a jerk on one end of the line waiting for a jerk on the other end of the line.
Good fishing is just a matter of timing. You have to get there yesterday.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
Fishing is something between a sport and a religion.
Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach him to fish and you get rid of him for the entire weekend.
My mom has been nagging my father to take up a sport, so he took up bird-watching. He’s very serious about it. He bought binoculars. And a bird.
You never see a fish on the wall with its mouth shut.
Playing polo is like trying to play golf during an earthquake.
He enjoys that perfect peace, that peace that beyond all understanding, which comes at its maximum only to the man who has given up golf.
Seve Ballesteros hits the ball further than I go on my holidays.
The difference between golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
It's good sportsmanship not to pick up lost balls while they are still rolling.
Show me a man who is a good loser, and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss.
If you think it's difficult to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
Give me my golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep my golf clubs and the fresh air.
I refuse to play golf with Errol Flynn. If I want to play with a prick, I'll play with my own.
Golf is an ineffectual attempt to direct an uncontrollable sphere into an inaccessible hole with instruments ill-adapted to the purpose.
Golf is not a sport; it's a career move.
To me, golf is something you did with your hands while you talked. Unless you smoked. Then you never had to leave the clubhouse.
Golf is an expensive way playing marbles.
Golf is the loneliest of all games, not excluding postal chess.
You can make a lot of money out of golf. Ask any of my ex-wives.
Anyone can be a golf commentator. You just have to use that voice you put on when you call in sick at work. 'I won’t be coming in to work today, I've got to give a golf commentary.
If I had to choose between my wife and my putter - I'd miss her.
- I found it.
My golf practice is coming on. I can put seven into the downstairs lav from the landing.
While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
When you are putting well, you are a good putter; when your opponent is putting well, he has a good putter.
The least thing upsets him in the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of the butterflies in the adjoining meadows.
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
A hole-in-one is an occurrence in which a ball is hit directly from the tee into the hole on a single shot by a golfer playing alone.
Is my friend in the bunker or is the bastard on the green?
The secret of missing a tree is to aim straight at it.
Be funny on the golf course? Do I kid my best friend's mother about her heart condition?
Anyone who would pass up an opportunity to see Same Snead swing a golf club at a golf ball would pull down the shades when driving past the Taj Mahal.
Watching Sam Snead practise hitting a golf ball is like watching a fish practise swimming.
When I play golf, I don't rent a cart. I don't need one.When I hit the ball, I need public transport.
A caddie is someone who accompanies a golfer and didn't seen the ball either.
I've got a feeling for the game of golf. I did very well on the course in Skegness, until I got stuck in one of the little wooden windmills.
For me, the worst part of playing golf has always been hitting the ball.
Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. Eighteen holes later, you're tired and frustrated, and most of your balls are missing.
Triple jump is only jumping into a sandpit.
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
I was thrown out of the ice skating rink today. Apparently they don't allow ice fishing.
Torvill and Dean were very good on the ice, but you get them out on the street - they're all over the place.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I play Cinderella tennis, that is, I don't quite get to the ball.
The worst thing I ever said to a tennis umpire was: 'Are you sure?
Golf balls are attracted to water to as unerringly as the eye of a middle-aged man to a female bosom.
I don't want to sound paranoid, but that electronic line judge knows who I am.
What about apologizing?' my tennis partner said. 'Shall we do it after every stroke, or at the end of each game, or never? I get so tired of saying, "Sorry".
An otherwise happily married couple may turn a mixed doubles game into a scene from Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf.
No one is more serious about his game than a weekend tennis player.
90 per cent of this game is half mental.
If a man watches three American football games in a row, he should be declares legally dead.
American football combines the two worst features of American life. It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.
Jews aren't athletes. I love hockey, but if you see a Jew on ice, he's in the morgue.
Our team lives hockey, it dreams hockey, it eats hockey. Now if it couldonly play hockey.
Red ice sells hockey tickets.
I went to a fight the other night and an ice hockey game broke out.
If you think squash is a competitive activity, try flower arrangement.
Once rugby players have succeeded in getting their boots on the right feet, the mental challenge of the game is largely over.
Beer and rugby are more or less synonymous.
I don't think the discus will ever attract any interest until they let them start throwing them at each other.
It is impossible to look cool in a go-kart.
My favourite sport in the Olympics is the one in which you make your way through the snow, you stop, you shoot a gun, and then you continue on. In most of the world it is known as the biathlon, except in New York City, where it is known as winter.
The luge is what I would call the ultimate laxative.
Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.
If you ever see any blacks or Mexicans on top of a snow-capped mountain, call 911. There's been a plane accident.
The only interesting part of skiing is seeing someone crash. Violently.
Stretch pants - the garment that made skiing a spectator sport.
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
I resigned as coach because of illness and fatigue. The fans were sick and tired of me.
Footballers are miry gladiators whose sole purpose in life is to position a surrogate human head between two poles.
When middle-class people and women started going to matches, I thought it's a shame that hooliganism has stopped because that used to keep them out.
Skiing? I do not participate in any sport that has ambulances at the bottom of the hill.
Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die.
The first time I went skiing I wasn't very good, and broke a leg. Luckily, it wasn't one of mine.
If Everton were playing down at the bottom of my garden, I'd draw the curtains.
You'd think if any team could put up a decent wall, it would be China.
In 1978, in between Manchester City winning one game and their next win, there had been three Popes.
The entire contents of the Manchester City trophy room have been stolen. Police are looking for a man carrying a light blue carpet.
There are only two types of manager. Those who've just been sacked and those who are going to be sacked.
I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat.
On the Richter scale, this defeat was a force eight gale.
In 1971, I was sent off the football field for arguing with one of my own team-mates.
The sending off? Well, Jason McAteer would annoy anyone.
I think the action replay showed it to be worse than it actually was.
If that had gone in it would have been a goal.
Luke Chadwick is proving he's a good footballer. He's no David Beckham, but then again, not many players are.
Steve McCahill has limped off with a badly cut forehead.
The manager still has a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve.
I never make predictions, and I never will.
Well, either side could win, or it could be a draw.
Premier League fooball is a multi-million-pound industry with the aroma of a blocked toilet and the principles of a knocking shop.
Come on you blue two-tone hoops with red and white trim and a little emblem on the sleeve and the manufacturer's logo and the sponsor's name across the chest.
The English football team - brilliant on paper, shit on grass.
Football is not a matter of life and death. It's far more serious than that.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose, it's how drunk you get.
Serious sport is war minus the shooting.
Games are the last resort of those who do not know how to idle.
I hate all sports as rabidly as a person who likes sports hates common sense.
Sports are dangerous and tiring activities performed by people with whom I share nothing in common except the right to trial by jury.