Funny Quotes About Sport

Best funny quotes about sport

If you want to know what you'll look like in ten years, look in the mirror after you've run a maraphon.

Jeff Scaff

To describe the agony of a marathon to somebody who's never run it is like trying to explain colour to a person who was born blind.

Jerome Drayton

You don't run 26 miles at five minutes a mile on good looks and a secret recipe.

Frank Shorter

I know that you learned how to play bridge only yesterday, but what timeyesterday?

George S. Kaufman

I used to think the only use for sport was to give small boys something else to kick besides me.

Katharine Whitehorn

I'm afraid I play no outdoor games at all, except dominoes. I have sometimes played dominoes outside a French café.

Oscar Wilde

I climbed Mount Everest - from the inside.

Spike Milligan

The hardest thing about climbing Mount Everest was pissing through six inches of clothing with a three-inch penis.

Unnamed climber

Chess is seldom found above the upper-middle class. It's too hard.

Paul Fussell

When I was four years old, I played chess against ten people all at once - blindfolded. I lost every game.

Robert Benchley

Chess is as elaborate a waste of human intelligance as you could find outside an advertising agency.

Raymond Chandler

I had lunch with a chess champion the other day. I knew he was a chess champion because it took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.

Eric Sykes

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Woody Allen

I was watching what I thought was sumo wrestling on the television for two hours before I realised it was darts.

Hattie Hayridge

A friend got me seats to the World Series. From where I sat, the game was just a rumour.

Henny Youngman

Hating the New York Yankees is as American as apple pie, unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.

Mike Royko

You know what I love best about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt – and that's just in the hot-dogs.

David Letterman

Baseball is like watching grass - no, Astroturf, grow.

Jeff Jarvis

The last positive thing England did for cricket was invent it.

Ian Chappell

A loving wife is better than making 50 at cricket or even 99; beyond that I will not go.

James Barrie

Facing a fast bowler is like standing in the outside lane of the M1, and when a car is 22 yards away, try to get out of the way.

Alec Stewart

England is not ruined because sinewy brown men from a distant colony sometimes hit a ball further and oftener than we do.

J.B. Priestley

I am to cricket what Dame Sybil Thorndike is to non-ferrous welding.

Frank Muir

If the French noblesse had been capable of playing cricket with their peasants, their chateaux would never have been burnt.

George Trevelyan

My definition of a foreigner is someone who doesn't understand cricket.

Anthony Couch

Personally, I have always looked on cricket as organized loafing.

William Temple

Cricket is basically baseball on Valium.

Robin Williams

I watched a cricket match for three hours waiting for it to start.

Groucho Marx

I took an American friend to watch her first ever game of cricket. She took one look at the umpires and said, 'What are the butchers for?

Alan Henderson

The miss on the red will go straight out of my head as soon as I collect my pension book.

John Parrott

Snooker is just chess with balls.

Clive James

If horse racing is the sport of kings, then drag racing must be the sport of queens.

Bert R. Sugar

Bill Shoemaker didn't ride a horse, he joined them. Most riders beat horses as if they were guards in slave-labour camps. Shoe treated them as if he were asking them to dance.

Jim Murray

My horse was in the lead, coming down the home stretch, but the caddie fell off.

Sam Goldwyn

John McCririck looks like a hedge dragged through a man backwards.

Clive James

To own a racehourse is the equivalent of burning a yacht on the front lawn every year.

Adam Nicholson

Ocean racing is like standing under a cold shower in a howling gale tearing up twenty-pound notes.

Edward Heath

When Mike Tyson gets mad, you don't need a referee, you need a priest.

Jim Murray

Mike Tyson brought the evening to a premature close by snacking on the ears of Evander Holyfield. The rules of boxing are quite clear on this: fighters are not allowed to eat each other.

Giles Smith

I'd like to borrow Muhammad Ali's body for just 48 hours. There are three guys I'd like to beat up and four women I'd like to make love to.

Jim Murray

My toughest fight was with my first wife.

Muhammad Ali

I got into the ring with Muhammad Ali once and I had him worried for a while. He thought he’d killed me.

Tommy Cooper

Boxing is a lot of white men watching two black men beat each other up.

Muhammad Ali

To me, boxing is like ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

Jack Handey

Never bet on the white guy - that's all I know when it comes to boxing.

Lt Frank Dreblin, Naked Gun

The biggest mistake I ever made at the Monte Carlo Rally was to let my wife go shopping by herself.

Mario Andretti

The racing car in front is absolutely unique, except for the racing car behind which is absolutely identical.

Murray Walkker

Cornering is like bringing a woman to a climax.

Jackie Stewart

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

Dave Barry

Show me a good sport and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade.

Leo Durocher

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

Dave Barry

Practically every game played internationally today was invented in Britain, and when foreigners became good enough to match or even defeat the British, the British quickly invented a new game.

Peter Ustinov

Losing the Super Bowl is worse than death. With death, you don't have to get up the next morning.

George Allen

Dr Strabismus of Utrecht is carrying out research work with a view to crossing salmon with mosquitoes. He says it will mean a bite every time for fisherman.

J.C. Morton

Fishing is a jerk on one end of the line waiting for a jerk on the other end of the line.

Michael Palin

Good fishing is just a matter of timing. You have to get there yesterday.

Milton Berle

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

Steven Wright

Fishing is something between a sport and a religion.

Josephine Tey

Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach him to fish and you get rid of him for the entire weekend.

Zenna Schaffer

My mom has been nagging my father to take up a sport, so he took up bird-watching. He’s very serious about it. He bought binoculars. And a bird.

Rita Rudner

You never see a fish on the wall with its mouth shut.

Sally Berger

Playing polo is like trying to play golf during an earthquake.

Sylvester Stallone

He enjoys that perfect peace, that peace that beyond all understanding, which comes at its maximum only to the man who has given up golf.

P.G. Wodehouse

Seve Ballesteros hits the ball further than I go on my holidays.

Lee Trevino

The difference between golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.

George Deukmajian

It's good sportsmanship not to pick up lost balls while they are still rolling.

Mark Twain

Show me a man who is a good loser, and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss.

Jim Murray

If you think it's difficult to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.

Jack Lemmon

Give me my golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep my golf clubs and the fresh air.

Jack Benny

I refuse to play golf with Errol Flynn. If I want to play with a prick, I'll play with my own.

W.C. Fields

Golf is an ineffectual attempt to direct an uncontrollable sphere into an inaccessible hole with instruments ill-adapted to the purpose.

Winston Churchill

Golf is not a sport; it's a career move.

Rachel Bradley, Cold Feet

To me, golf is something you did with your hands while you talked. Unless you smoked. Then you never had to leave the clubhouse.

Erma Bombeck

Golf is an expensive way playing marbles.

G.K. Chesterton

Golf is the loneliest of all games, not excluding postal chess.

Peter Dobereiner

You can make a lot of money out of golf. Ask any of my ex-wives.

Lee Trevino

Anyone can be a golf commentator. You just have to use that voice you put on when you call in sick at work. 'I won’t be coming in to work today, I've got to give a golf commentary.

Mike Rowe

If I had to choose between my wife and my putter - I'd miss her.

Gary Player

- I found it.


My golf practice is coming on. I can put seven into the downstairs lav from the landing.

Rigsby, Rising Damp

While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

Henny Youngman

When you are putting well, you are a good putter; when your opponent is putting well, he has a good putter.

John D. Sheridan

The least thing upsets him in the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of the butterflies in the adjoining meadows.

P.G. Wodehouse

Golf is a good walk spoiled.

Mark Twain

A hole-in-one is an occurrence in which a ball is hit directly from the tee into the hole on a single shot by a golfer playing alone.

Roy McKie

Is my friend in the bunker or is the bastard on the green?

David Feherty

The secret of missing a tree is to aim straight at it.

Michael Green

Be funny on the golf course? Do I kid my best friend's mother about her heart condition?

Phil Silvers

Anyone who would pass up an opportunity to see Same Snead swing a golf club at a golf ball would pull down the shades when driving past the Taj Mahal.

Jim Murray

Watching Sam Snead practise hitting a golf ball is like watching a fish practise swimming.

John Schlee

When I play golf, I don't rent a cart. I don't need one.When I hit the ball, I need public transport.

Gene Perret

A caddie is someone who accompanies a golfer and didn't seen the ball either.


I've got a feeling for the game of golf. I did very well on the course in Skegness, until I got stuck in one of the little wooden windmills.

Rigsby, Rising Damp

For me, the worst part of playing golf has always been hitting the ball.

Dave Barry

Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. Eighteen holes later, you're tired and frustrated, and most of your balls are missing.

Tim Allen

Triple jump is only jumping into a sandpit.

Jonathan Edwards

Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.

George Ade

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.

Bob Hope

I was thrown out of the ice skating rink today. Apparently they don't allow ice fishing.

Kevin Nealon

Torvill and Dean were very good on the ice, but you get them out on the street - they're all over the place.

Harry Hill

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Mitch Hedberg

I play Cinderella tennis, that is, I don't quite get to the ball.

Larry Adler

The worst thing I ever said to a tennis umpire was: 'Are you sure?

Rod Laver

Golf balls are attracted to water to as unerringly as the eye of a middle-aged man to a female bosom.

Michael Green

I don't want to sound paranoid, but that electronic line judge knows who I am.

John McEnroe

What about apologizing?' my tennis partner said. 'Shall we do it after every stroke, or at the end of each game, or never? I get so tired of saying, "Sorry".

A.A. Milne

An otherwise happily married couple may turn a mixed doubles game into a scene from Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf.

Rod Laver

No one is more serious about his game than a weekend tennis player.

Jimmy Cannon

90 per cent of this game is half mental.

Yogi Berra

If a man watches three American football games in a row, he should be declares legally dead.

Erma Bombeck

American football combines the two worst features of American life. It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.

George F. Will

Jews aren't athletes. I love hockey, but if you see a Jew on ice, he's in the morgue.

Brad Garrett

Our team lives hockey, it dreams hockey, it eats hockey. Now if it couldonly play hockey.

Milton Berle

Red ice sells hockey tickets.

Bob Stewart

I went to a fight the other night and an ice hockey game broke out.

Rodney Dangerfield

If you think squash is a competitive activity, try flower arrangement.

Alan Bennett

Once rugby players have succeeded in getting their boots on the right feet, the mental challenge of the game is largely over.

Derek Robinson

Beer and rugby are more or less synonymous.

Chris Laidlaw

I don't think the discus will ever attract any interest until they let them start throwing them at each other.

Al Oerter

It is impossible to look cool in a go-kart.

Conan O'Brien

My favourite sport in the Olympics is the one in which you make your way through the snow, you stop, you shoot a gun, and then you continue on. In most of the world it is known as the biathlon, except in New York City, where it is known as winter.

Michael Ventre

The luge is what I would call the ultimate laxative.

Otto Jelinek

Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

Dave Barry

If you ever see any blacks or Mexicans on top of a snow-capped mountain, call 911. There's been a plane accident.

Paul Rodriguez

The only interesting part of skiing is seeing someone crash. Violently.

Denis Leary

Stretch pants - the garment that made skiing a spectator sport.


Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

Dave Barry

I resigned as coach because of illness and fatigue. The fans were sick and tired of me.

John Ralston

Footballers are miry gladiators whose sole purpose in life is to position a surrogate human head between two poles.

Elizabeth Hogg

When middle-class people and women started going to matches, I thought it's a shame that hooliganism has stopped because that used to keep them out.

Frank Skinner

Skiing? I do not participate in any sport that has ambulances at the bottom of the hill.

Erma Bombeck

Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die.

Tim Steeves

The first time I went skiing I wasn't very good, and broke a leg. Luckily, it wasn't one of mine.

Michael Green

If Everton were playing down at the bottom of my garden, I'd draw the curtains.

Bill Shanky

You'd think if any team could put up a decent wall, it would be China.

Terry Venables

In 1978, in between Manchester City winning one game and their next win, there had been three Popes.

Frank Skinner

The entire contents of the Manchester City trophy room have been stolen. Police are looking for a man carrying a light blue carpet.

Bernard Manning

There are only two types of manager. Those who've just been sacked and those who are going to be sacked.

Ben Philip

I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat.

Ron Atkinson

On the Richter scale, this defeat was a force eight gale.

John Lyall

In 1971, I was sent off the football field for arguing with one of my own team-mates.

George Best

The sending off? Well, Jason McAteer would annoy anyone.

Dave Jones

I think the action replay showed it to be worse than it actually was.

Ron Atkinson

If that had gone in it would have been a goal.

David Coleman

Luke Chadwick is proving he's a good footballer. He's no David Beckham, but then again, not many players are.

Tim Flowers

Steve McCahill has limped off with a badly cut forehead.

Tom Ferrie

The manager still has a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve.

John Greig

I never make predictions, and I never will.

Paul Gascoigne

Well, either side could win, or it could be a draw.

Ron Atkinson

Premier League fooball is a multi-million-pound industry with the aroma of a blocked toilet and the principles of a knocking shop.

Michael Parkinson

Come on you blue two-tone hoops with red and white trim and a little emblem on the sleeve and the manufacturer's logo and the sponsor's name across the chest.

Mike Ticher

The English football team - brilliant on paper, shit on grass.

Arthur Smith

Football is not a matter of life and death. It's far more serious than that.

Bill Shanky

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose, it's how drunk you get.

Homer Simpson

Serious sport is war minus the shooting.

George Orwell

Games are the last resort of those who do not know how to idle.

Robert Lynd

I hate all sports as rabidly as a person who likes sports hates common sense.

H.L. Mencken

Sports are dangerous and tiring activities performed by people with whom I share nothing in common except the right to trial by jury.

Fran Lebowitz

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