Funny Quotes About Sex


Whether you’re trying to impress a potential date, get a laugh from your spouse or add a touch of adult banter to a friends’ night out, these quotes will come in handy and provide all the laughs you need. But best not to take any of the advice, chat up lines, or ‘tips’ too seriously – especially if you’re looking for a second date. While these quotes about sex will get you a heap of laughs at the pub, they won’t win you any awards in the bedroom department.

An Australian guy's idea of foreplay is, 'Are you awake?'

Paul Hogan

Of course size matters. Whoever says it doesn't matter is just a liar with a small dick.

Pamela Anderson

I once dated a waitress. In the middle of sex she'd say, 'How is everything? Is everything okay over here?'

David Corrado

Foreplay is like beefburgers - three minutes on each side.

Victoria Wood

Men are like fireman. To us, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on other hand are like fire. They've very excited, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.

Jerry Seinfeld

He made love faster than the time it takes to get a vaccination.

Roz Doyle

Don't have sex. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.

Steve Martin

I'm a great lover - I'll bet.

Emo Philips

I remember the first time I had sex because I kept the receipt.

Bill Brandis

I don't know if my first experience was heterosexual or homosexual because I was too polite to ask.

Gore Vidal

Until I was fifteen I was more familiar with Africa than my own body.

Joe Orton

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.

Rodney Dangerfield

Sex is like money; only too much is enough.

John Updike

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experience go, it's one of the best.

Woody Allen

I believe that sex is the most beautiful, natural and wholesome thing that money can buy.

Steve Martin

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