I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
As repressed sadists are supposed to become policemen or butchers, so those with an irrational fear of lofe become publishers.
Don't tell my mother I work in an advertising agency. She thinks I play the piano in a whorehouse.
The longer the title, the less important the job.
Interviewing a tree surgeon on his television quiz show You Bet Your Life, Groucho Marx asked: 'Tell me, doctor, did you ever fall out of a patient?
A man was muggled and lay bleeding to death by the side of the road. A social worker passed by and said, 'Tell me the name of the person who did this to you. He needs help immediately.
Diamonds is my career.
A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to 35 and your job still requires you to wear a nametag, you've probably made a serious vocational error.
A secretary is not a toy.
I remember how me and my family would huddle around the fire on cold winter evenings, my father fretting about the coming harvest, my mother consoling him because he was a chartered accountant.
The only difference between a pigeon and a farmer today is that a pigeon can still make a deposit on a tractor.
When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
If you can keep your head while those about you are losing theirs, have you considering becoming a guillotine operator?
I should be working in a job that I have some kind of aptitude for - like donating sperm to an artificial insemination lab.
Wanted: curate for country parish, slow left-arm bowler preferred.
Normally when I'm on holiday and I'm asked what to do,I say that I'm a traffic warden. That makes me much more popular.
As the mentally unstable become psychiatrists, and the impotent become pornographers, so writers of thrillers tend to gravitate to the Secret Service.
I used to work at the unemployment office. I really hated that job because when they fired me, I still had to show up at work the next day.
I like being President. The pay is good and I can walk to work.
I used to be a proofreader for a skywriting company.
I would prefer to be a judge than a coal miner because of the absence of falling coal.
Estate agents are people who didn't make it as second-hand car dealers.
I was ashamed of being a lawyer, so now I manually masturbate caged animals for artificial insemination.
I worked on a suicide hotline for a while. Every time I tried to call in sick, my boss would talk me out of it.
Looking for a career in television is like looking for love in the eyes of a Bangkok bargirl. It can only end in tears.
I've never fired anyone in my life. I had a cleaning lady once I couldn't fire, so I had to move.
I had a job as an airline pilot. I was fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80-foot stepladder with a coat hanger.
A vocation is any badly paid job that someone has taken out of choise.
My dad used to say, 'Always fight fire with fire,' which is probably why he was thrown out of the fire brigade.
I used to be the bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
Actuaries are about as interesting as the footnotes on a pension plan.
Did you ever hear of a kid, while playing, pretend to be an accountant, even if he wanted to be one?
Of course prostitutes have babies. Where do you think traffic wardens come from?
I had a secretarial job but I called in sick a lot. I would say I had 'female troubles'. My boss didn't know I meant her.
At a job interview, tell them you're willing to give 110 per cent - unless the job is statistician.
I used to be translator for bad mimes.
After I finished school, I took one of those aptitude tests, and based on my verbal score, they suggested I become a mime.
People make a living donating to sperm banks. Last year I let $500 slip through my fingers.
I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow dishes for Chinese restaurants.
Let me put it this way, I have an extensive collection of nametags and hairnets.
Always suspect any job men willingly vacate for women.
I got a job at an amusement park. I liked to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
I don't have a job. I'm still waiting for Bill Gates to reply to my business plan for him to invest in my new pencil sharpening company.
Help wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
If you really want to hurt your parents and you are not brave enough to become a homosexual, go into the arts.
I had a job selling hearing aids door to door. It wasn't easy, because your best prospects never answered.
With all due respect, it ain't rocket surgery.
What is it about people who repair shoes makes them so good at cutting keys?
The easiest job I ever had was store detective in a piano shop.
I called a temp agency for work and they asked me if I had any phone skills. I said, 'I called you, didn't I?
Being an astronomer is a very noble profession, but it does leave you at rather a loose end during the day.
The easiest job in the world has to be a coroner. Surgery on dead people - what's the worst thing could happen? Maybe you'd get a pulse.
My mother wanted me to become a nun. It's steady work, they supply the uniform, and you're married to God - at least he's home every night.
For a long time, I wanted to become a nun. Then I realized that what I really wanted to be was a lesbian.
My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
One of my first office jobs was cleaning the windows on the brown envelopes.
If the garbage man calls, tell him we don't want any.
At the unemployment exchange, my father fave his occupation as astronaut but not prepared to travel.
I am glad to hear you smoke. A man should always have an occupation of some kind.