When Ann Widdecombe read out the Ten Commandments at Westminster Cathedral it sounded as though she had written them herself.
Burly and greasy-haired, John Prescott looks rather like one of those plain-talking policemen who, during the late 1970s, were always being photographed on yachting holidays with villains somewhere in the Mediterranean.
John Prescott has the face of a man who clubs baby seals to death.
When Gordon Brown leaves a room, the lights go on.
Peter Mandelson is someone who can skulk in broad daylight.
Tony Blair is only Bill Clinton with his zip done up.
Tony Blair has as much charisma as a pair of dentures grinning in a glass of water.
- I am not a doctor.
As God once said, and I think rightly…
Margaret Thatcher even dresses to the right.
Margaret Thatcher is democratic enough to talk down to anyone.
I keep a video of Tony Blair reading Corinthians at Princess Diana's funeral and threaten to show it to anyone who is impressed by Prime Minister's sincerity.
Margaret Thatcher behaved with all the sensitivity of a sex-starved boa constrictor.
If, one morning, I walked over the River Thames, the headline that afternoon would read, 'Prime Minister Can't Swim.
In politics while there is death, there is hope.
I don't mind how much my ministers talk, so long as they do what I say.
When a politician addresses you, all you have to ask yourself is, 'Why is this bastard lying to me?
An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought.
I have not met Norman Scott face to face for many years.
If you want to be a leader with a large following, just obey the speed limit on a winding, two-lane road.
I must follow them for I am their leader.
He may be a son of a bitch, but at least he's our son of a bitch.
Dictators always look good until the last minutes.
When smashing monuments, save the pedestals - they always come in handy.
I believe in benevolent dictatorships, provided I am the dictator.
Margaret Thatcher is the sort of woman who wouldn't give you your ball back.
He's a sheep in sheep's clothing.
Assassination is the extreme form of censorship.
In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has at last produced a political leader worthy of assassination.
The ideal form of government is democracy tempered with assassination.
You realize you're no longer in government when you get in the back of your car and it doesn't go anywhere.
You have to remember one thing about the will of the people - it wasn't so long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.
Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.
The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.
Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them.
Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.
All politics are based on the indifference of the majority.
The largest turnout at elections is always where there is only one candidate.
Any political party that includes the word 'democratic' in its name, isn't.
It's not the voting that's democracy, it's the counting.
One day the don't-knows will get in, and then where will we be?
If voting changed anything, they'd abolish it.
Who sleeps with whom is intrinsically more interesting than who votes for whom.
The vote means nothing to women. We should be armed.
The voters have spoken - the bastards.
One-fifth of the people are against everything all the time.
They couldn't pour piss out of a shoe if the instructions were written on the heel.
When you say that you agree to a thing in principle you mean that you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.
Poor George Bush, he can't help it - he was born with a silver foot in his mouth.
It is not enough to have every intelligent person in the country voting for me - I need a majority.
I never vote for anybody; I always vote against.
Clement Atlee reminds me of a dead fish before it has had time to stiffen.
Clement Atlee is a modest little man with much to be modest about.
One could drive a prairie schooner through any part of the arguments of William Jennings Bryan and never scrape against a fact.
I like Republicans, and I would trust them with anything in the world except public office.
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
That one never asks a question unless one knows the answer is basic to parliamentary questioning.
Sometimes I look at Billy and Jimmy and I say to myself 'Lilian, you should have stayed a virgin.
George Bush reminds every woman of her first husband.
Gerald Ford is so dumb he can't fart and chew gum at the same time.
If you walk like a duck, and you quack like a duck, and you say you're a duck, you're a duck.
A politician will double-cross that bridge when he comes to it.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
A politician will always be there when he needs you.
Rhodes Boyson looks like a character out of an unpublished novel by Charles Dickens.
The senator got so tired on the campaign trail that he started kissing hands and shaking babies.
Let him join our campaign. I'd rather have him inside our tent pissing out than outside our tent pissing in.
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment.
A liberal is a man too broad-minded to take his own side in a quarrel.
How the hell would I know why there are Nazis? I don't even know how a can opener works.
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even when there is no river.
Nixon could tell two separate lies out of different corners of his mouth at the same time.
Nixon's motto is, if two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
I would have made a good Pope.
Richard Nixon is the kind of politician who would cut down a redwood tree, and then mount the stump and make a speech on conservation.
There cannot be a world crisis next week, my schedule is full.
The duty of an opposition is very simple: to oppose everything, and propose nothing.
Today, the LA Timesaccuse Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling you, this guy is presidential material.
The only reason I'm not running for President is that I'm afraid no woman will come forward and say she's slept with me.
Clinton's problem was that he misunderstood the role of the President, which is to screw the country as a whole, not individually.
Did you sleep with Bill Clinton? No, neither did I. Small world, isn't it?
The biggest mistake Bill Clinton made was not getting Teddy Kennedy to drive Monica Lewinsky home.
My husband is a hard dog to keep on the porch.
Bill Clinton's foreign policy stemmed mainly from having breakfast at the International House of Pancakes.
There's nothing so improves the mood of the party as the imminent execution of a senior colleague.
The forest fires are the worst disaster in California since I was elected.
He handles political crises with all the confidence of a man dialling his own telephone number.
I always have one golden rule for such occasions - I ask myself what Nanny would have expected me to do.
Bill Clinton gets so much in speaking fees these days that when I saw him in New York the other day and said hello to him he said, 'That'll be $10.
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. They would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
It will be a clash between the political will and the administrative won't.
Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs or cutting hair.
The Vice-President is a man who sits in the outer office of the White Office, hoping to hear the President sneeze.
The Vice-Presidency is sort of like the last cookie on the plate. Everybody insists he won't take it, but somebody always does.
The Vice-Presidency ain't worth a pitcher of warm spit.
Republicans don't understand the importance of bondage between a mother and daughter.
The government solution to any problem is usually at least as bad as the problem.
If a tree fell in a forest, and no one was there to hear it, it might sound like Dan Quayle looks.
Dan Quayle taught the kids a valuable lesson: if you don't study you could wind up as Vice-President.
A fascist is anyone who disagrees with you.
Am I the only one to think that John F. Kennedy was killed by a peanut allergy?
I discovered that being a president is like riding a tiger. A man has to keep on riding or be swallowed.
We've never had a president named Bob. I think it's about time we had one.
Being President is like running a cemetery: you've got a lot of people under you and nobody's listening.
If Presidents don't do it to their wives, they do it to the country.
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.
Politics has become so expensive that it takes a million dollars even to be defeated.
When I was a boy, I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it.
In America any boy may become President and I suppose it's just one of the risks he takes.
The US presidency is a Tudor monarchy plus telephones.
He's going around the country stirring up apathy.
If you would know the depth and meanness of human nature, you have got to be a prime minister running a general election.
Working in Westminster is like having the nutters on the bus beside you every day.
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
If I saw Mr Haughey buried at midnight at a crossroads, with a stake driven through his heart - politically speaking - I should continue to wear a clove of garlic round my neck, just in case.
Prime ministers are wedded to the truth, but like other married couples they sometimes live apart.
Governments are like underwear. They need to be changed often and for the same reason.
Minorities are almost always in the right.
Ninety per cent of politicians give the other ten per cent a bad reputation.
It's easy to be politically correct and a liberal when you live in a gated community.
No one grows up wanting to be a junkie, eating Utterly Butterly or listening to Phil Collins but capitalism wears you down.
You can't get good Chinese takeout in China, and Cuban cigars are rationed in Cuba. That's all you need to know about communism.
I am a Marxist - of the Groucho tendency.
She said, 'What do you think of Marx?' I said, 'I think their pants have dropped off but you can't fault their broccoli.
There is nothing in socialism that a little age or a little money will not cure.
We started off trying to set up a small anarchist community, but people wouldn't obey the rules.
Politicians are interested in people in the same way that dogs are interested in fleas.
The public say they are getting cynical about politicians. They should hear how politicians talk about them.
I don't object to Gladstone always having the ace of trumps up his sleeve, but merely to his belief that God Almighty put it there.
Tories are not always wrong, but they are always wrong at the right moment.
If there is anything a public servant hates to do it's doing something for the public.
Jeffrey Archer, is there no beginning to your talents?
The Lord Privy Seal is neither a lord, nor a privy, nor a seal.
Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's precisely the opposite.
Being criticized by Geoffrey Howe is like being savaged by a dead sheep.
The cardinal rule of politics: never get caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy.
If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
A fool and his money are soon elected.
University politics make me long for the simplicity of the Middle East.
Gerald Ford looks like the guy in a science-fiction movie who is first to see the Creature.
I never did give anybody hell. I just told the truth and they thought it was hell.
Three people marooned on a desert island would soon reinvent politics.
When there is a great cry that something should be done, you can depend on it that something remarkable silly probably will be done.
Political skill is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen.
There ought to be one day, just one, when there is open season on senators.
If you want to rise in politics in the United States there is one subject you must stay away from, and that is politics.
It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.
George W. Bush went into a think tank this week and almost drowned.
the word as 'electrocution' and knew that was something he liked.
You can't have it both ways. You can't take the high horse and then claim the low road.
I think the voters misunderestimate me.
Bush says he's being stalked. He says wherever he goes, people are following him. Finally someone told him, 'Psst. That's the Secret Service.
George W. Bush has taken a urine test. But beforehand he wrote the answers on his hand.
The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some jokes just write themselves.
I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
I have orders to be awakened at any time in case of a national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Government is to life what pantyhose are to sex.
Politics is so corrupt, even the dishonest people get screwed.
Mr Speaker, I withdraw my statement that half the cabinet are asses - half the cabinet are not asses.
Generally speaking, politicians are generally speaking.
A politician never believes anything he says, so he is always amazed when other people do.
I did not become a politician because I could not stand the strain of having to be right all the time.
Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, order more tunnel.
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
I'm a political activist. I support lots of causes. I don't wear leather. I don't wear Nike trainers. I boycott Nestle - apart from KitKats, obviously.
Politics ain't worrying this country one-tenth as much as where to find a parking space.
Politics are almost as exciting as war and quite as dangerous. In war, you can only be killed once, but in politics - many times.
The reason there are so few female politicians is that it is too much trouble to put make-up on two faces.
I've decided to take up a life of crime, but I can't decide which political party to join.
Politics is the systematic organization of hatred.
Politics is derived from two words - poly, meaning many, and tics, meaning small blood-sucking insects.
Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's important.
The only difference between the Republican and Democratic parties is the velocity with which their knees hit the floor when corporations knock on their door.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it wrongly and applying unsuitable remedies.
Politics is just like show business, you have a hell of an opening, coast for a while, and then have a hell of a close.
Politics is Hollywood for ugly people.