Funny Quotes About Marriage

Whether you’re in a state of wedded bliss or feel like you’re tied to a ball and chain, you’ll probably find something on this page of funny quotes about marriage to make you chuckle. There’s also a great deal of material here for best man speeches – or wait a few years and you might be able to use them at a divorce party.

I married a few people I shouldn't have, but haven't we all?

Mamie Van Doren

When a divorced man marries a divorced woman, four get into bed.

The Talmud

I think every woman's entitled to a middle husband she can forget.

Adela Rogers St Johns

I've been married eight times. My marriage licence reads, 'To Whom it May Concern.

Mickey Rooney

I'd only marry again if I found a man who had 15 million dollars, would sign over half of it to me before marriage, and guarantee he'd be dead within a year.

Bette Davis

I got married again last year because my first wife died in a wishing well.

Tony Gerrard

I had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.

Bob Monkhouse

Taking advice about marriage from Elizabeth Taylor is like taking sailing lessons from the captain of the Titanic.

Joan Rivers

The first time you buy a house you see how pretty the paint is and buy it. The second time you look to see if the basement has termites. It's the same with men.

Lupe Velez

I remember my brother once saying, 'I'd like to marry Elizabeth Taylor,' and my father said, 'Don't worry son, your turn will come.

Spike Milligan

I always say a girl must get married for love- and just keep on getting married until she finds it.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

I don't think I'll marry again. I'll just find a woman I hate and give her a house.

Lewis Grizzard

He had married young and kept on marrying, springing from blonde to blonde like the chamois of the Alps leaping from crag to crag.

P.G. Wodehouse

This wife-swapping business wasn't such a bad idea. I only hope our wives are hitting it off as well as we are.

Frank Reid

Wives are people who think it's against the law not to answer the phone when it rings.

Ring Lardner

What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.

Mark Twain

I can't for the life of me understand why people keep insisting that marriage is doomed. All five of mine worked out.

Peter de Vries

It was our son that kept our marriage together. Neither of us wanted custody of him.

Roy Chubby Brown

The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend of both parties tactfully intervenes.

G.K. Chesterton

When you see a married couple coming down the street, the one who is two or three steps ahead is the one that's mad.

Helen Rowland

The most difficult year of marriage is the one you're in.

Minnie Peal

My parents had only one argument in 45 years. It lasted 43 years.

Cathy Ladman

You can't go by what a girl says when she's giving you hell. It's like Shakespeare. Sounds well but doesn't mean anything.

P.G. Wodehouse

I screamed a lot, but it was that or firearms.


My wife and I had words - but I never got to use mine.

Carl Gilligan

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Phyllis Diller

In a marriage, it takes just one to make a quarrel.

Ogden Nash

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations- we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

Rodney Dangerfield

For the first year of marriage, I had a bad attitude. I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

Woody Allen

Marriage is a wonderful invention; but, then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

Billy Connolly

When a man brings his wife a gift for no reason, there's a reason.

Molly McGee

I married beneath tne. All women do.

Nancy Astor

Some people ask what is the secret of our long marriage. Two times a week, we take time to go to a nice restaurant, candlelight, a little wine, soft music. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.

Henny Youngman

My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.

Bob Monkhouse

You can tell a marriage is on the rocks when a couple talk to each other rationally.

Rod Cohen

At whatever stage you apologize to your wife the answer is always the same: 'It's too late now.

Denys Parsons

Take my wife - please.

Henny Youngman

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.


My parents stayed together for 40 years but that was out of spite .

Woody Allen

I was married for two years, which is a long time if you break it down into half-hour segments.

Charisse Savarin

Marriage is the roughest thing you ever gonna get into. Nelson Mandela, he endured 2 7 years in prison in South Africa. But once he was out, it only took two years before his marriage busted his ass.

Chris Rock

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

Roy Chubby Brown

After seven years of marriage, I'm sure of two things: first, never wallpaper together; and second, you'll need two bathrooms, both for her.

Dennis Miller

That married couples can live together day after day is one miracle the Vatican has overlooked.

Bill Cosby

My wife's nagging is like living near the airport. After a while you don't notice it any more.

Tom Arnold

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home taking a bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

Woody Allen

Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.

Edith Summerskill

The comfortable estate of widowhood is the only hope that keeps up a wife's spirits.

John Gay

She was a freelance castrator.

James Thurber

Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife. She has thought much worse things about you.

Jean Rostand

My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.


The pain of death is nothing compared to the pain of sharing a coffeepot with a peevish woman.

John Cheever

-I'm afraid that after we've been married a while a beautiful girl will come along and you'll forget all about me. -Don't be silly. I'll write you twice a week.

Groucho Marx

Marriage is the most advanced form of warfare in the modern world.

Malcolm Bradbury

The only thing that keeps me from being happily married is my husband.

Andra Douglas

I've known for years our marriage has been a mockery. My body lying there night after night In the wasted moonlight. I know now how the Taj Mahal must feel.

Alan Bennett

It was a perfect marriage- she didn't want to and he couldn't.

Spike Milligan

On Quiet nights, when I'm alone, I like to run our wedding video backwards, just to watch myself walkout of the church a free man.

Jim Davidson

Married life is like being banged up in prison but with fewer screws.


You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Henny Youngman

My wife gets so jealous. She came home from work and was mad at me because there was a pretty girl on the bus she thought I would have liked.

Ray Romano

My wife told me I'll drive her to her grave. I had the car out in two minutes.

Tommy Cooper

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Rita Rudner

It was a mixed marriage. I'm human, he was a Klingon.

Carol Leifer

You may marry the man of your dreams, but fourteen years later, you're married to a couch that burps.


Being Married to Marge is like being married to my best friend - and he lets me feel his boobs.

Homer Simpson

No matter who you marry, you wake up married to someone else.

Marlon Brando

Marrying a man is like buying a something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get home, but it doesn't always go with everything else in the house.

Jean Kerr

The first part of our marriage was very happy. Then, on the way back from ceremony...

Henny Youngman

My husband and I didn't sign a prenuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.


I told a friend I was getting married, and he said, 'Have you picked a date yet?' I said 'Wow, you can bring a date to your own wedding?' What a country!

Yakov Smirnoff

Always get married in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.

Mickey Rooney

Marriage is a great institution, but i'm not ready for an institution yet.

Mae West

A wedding is a funeral where you smell your own flowers.

Eddie Cantor

Nowadays, only the gay people get married in LA. Straight people don't bother any more.

Craig Chester

In Hollywood, marriage is a success if it outlast milk.

Rita Rudner

Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you will have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.

Ethel Banks

Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.

Jeff Foxworthy

It's sad fact that 50 per cent of marriages end in divorce. But other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones.

Richard Jeni

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.

Joan Rivers

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing - and the marry him.


I met my wife during the war. She blew in through the drawing room window with a bit of shrapnel, become embedded in the sofa, and one thing led to here mother and we were married within the hour.

Peter Cook

- What do you think of my fiancee? - She's a lovely girl. She deserve a good husband. Marry here before she finds one.

Harpo Marx and Robert Benchley

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.

Ogden Nash

Before a marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you. After marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.

Helen Rowland

Yes, my husband is younger than me, but it is not a problem. If he dies, he dies.

Joan Collins

Your are 40 and he's 22. Do you have to marry him? Couldn't you just adopt him?

Ann Stanley

Marriage isn't that big a deal any more 'cause it is so easy to get divorced. You want commitment? Buy a house. Nothing says love like thirty years of debt together.'

Tom Pecora

Damn it, sir, it is your duty to get married. You can't be always living for pleasure.

Oscar Wilde

This afternoon he asked me to be his wife, and I turned him down like a bedspread.

P.G. Wodehouse

Marry me and you will be farting through silk for the rest of your life.

Robert Mitchum

Marriage is a punishment for shoplifting in some countries.

Wayne Campbell

Marriage is like the Middle East. There is no solution.

Willy Russell

Marriage is just first step towards divorce.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

Never marry for money. Divorce for money.

Wendy Liebman

There's a way of transferring funds that's even faster then electronic banking. It's called marriage

Ronnie Shakes

Will you marry me? Did he leave you any money? Answer the second question first.

Groucho Marx

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