I married a few people I shouldn't have, but haven't we all?
When a divorced man marries a divorced woman, four get into bed.
I think every woman's entitled to a middle husband she can forget.
I've been married eight times. My marriage licence reads, 'To Whom it May Concern.
I'd only marry again if I found a man who had 15 million dollars, would sign over half of it to me before marriage, and guarantee he'd be dead within a year.
I got married again last year because my first wife died in a wishing well.
I had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.
Taking advice about marriage from Elizabeth Taylor is like taking sailing lessons from the captain of the Titanic.
The first time you buy a house you see how pretty the paint is and buy it. The second time you look to see if the basement has termites. It's the same with men.
I remember my brother once saying, 'I'd like to marry Elizabeth Taylor,' and my father said, 'Don't worry son, your turn will come.
I always say a girl must get married for love- and just keep on getting married until she finds it.
I don't think I'll marry again. I'll just find a woman I hate and give her a house.
He had married young and kept on marrying, springing from blonde to blonde like the chamois of the Alps leaping from crag to crag.
This wife-swapping business wasn't such a bad idea. I only hope our wives are hitting it off as well as we are.
Wives are people who think it's against the law not to answer the phone when it rings.
What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.
I can't for the life of me understand why people keep insisting that marriage is doomed. All five of mine worked out.
It was our son that kept our marriage together. Neither of us wanted custody of him.
The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend of both parties tactfully intervenes.
When you see a married couple coming down the street, the one who is two or three steps ahead is the one that's mad.
The most difficult year of marriage is the one you're in.
My parents had only one argument in 45 years. It lasted 43 years.
You can't go by what a girl says when she's giving you hell. It's like Shakespeare. Sounds well but doesn't mean anything.
I screamed a lot, but it was that or firearms.
My wife and I had words - but I never got to use mine.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
In a marriage, it takes just one to make a quarrel.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations- we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
For the first year of marriage, I had a bad attitude. I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
Marriage is a wonderful invention; but, then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
When a man brings his wife a gift for no reason, there's a reason.
I married beneath tne. All women do.
Some people ask what is the secret of our long marriage. Two times a week, we take time to go to a nice restaurant, candlelight, a little wine, soft music. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.
My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.
You can tell a marriage is on the rocks when a couple talk to each other rationally.
At whatever stage you apologize to your wife the answer is always the same: 'It's too late now.
Take my wife - please.
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
My parents stayed together for 40 years but that was out of spite .
I was married for two years, which is a long time if you break it down into half-hour segments.
Marriage is the roughest thing you ever gonna get into. Nelson Mandela, he endured 2 7 years in prison in South Africa. But once he was out, it only took two years before his marriage busted his ass.
I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
After seven years of marriage, I'm sure of two things: first, never wallpaper together; and second, you'll need two bathrooms, both for her.
That married couples can live together day after day is one miracle the Vatican has overlooked.
My wife's nagging is like living near the airport. After a while you don't notice it any more.
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home taking a bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.
The comfortable estate of widowhood is the only hope that keeps up a wife's spirits.
She was a freelance castrator.
Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife. She has thought much worse things about you.
My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.
The pain of death is nothing compared to the pain of sharing a coffeepot with a peevish woman.
-I'm afraid that after we've been married a while a beautiful girl will come along and you'll forget all about me. -Don't be silly. I'll write you twice a week.
Marriage is the most advanced form of warfare in the modern world.
The only thing that keeps me from being happily married is my husband.
I've known for years our marriage has been a mockery. My body lying there night after night In the wasted moonlight. I know now how the Taj Mahal must feel.
It was a perfect marriage- she didn't want to and he couldn't.
On Quiet nights, when I'm alone, I like to run our wedding video backwards, just to watch myself walkout of the church a free man.
Married life is like being banged up in prison but with fewer screws.
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
My wife gets so jealous. She came home from work and was mad at me because there was a pretty girl on the bus she thought I would have liked.
My wife told me I'll drive her to her grave. I had the car out in two minutes.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
It was a mixed marriage. I'm human, he was a Klingon.
You may marry the man of your dreams, but fourteen years later, you're married to a couch that burps.
Being Married to Marge is like being married to my best friend - and he lets me feel his boobs.
No matter who you marry, you wake up married to someone else.
Marrying a man is like buying a something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get home, but it doesn't always go with everything else in the house.
The first part of our marriage was very happy. Then, on the way back from ceremony...
My husband and I didn't sign a prenuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.
I told a friend I was getting married, and he said, 'Have you picked a date yet?' I said 'Wow, you can bring a date to your own wedding?' What a country!
Always get married in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
Marriage is a great institution, but i'm not ready for an institution yet.
A wedding is a funeral where you smell your own flowers.
Nowadays, only the gay people get married in LA. Straight people don't bother any more.
In Hollywood, marriage is a success if it outlast milk.
Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you will have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.
Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.
It's sad fact that 50 per cent of marriages end in divorce. But other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones.
Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing - and the marry him.
I met my wife during the war. She blew in through the drawing room window with a bit of shrapnel, become embedded in the sofa, and one thing led to here mother and we were married within the hour.
- What do you think of my fiancee? - She's a lovely girl. She deserve a good husband. Marry here before she finds one.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.
Before a marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you. After marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.
Yes, my husband is younger than me, but it is not a problem. If he dies, he dies.
Your are 40 and he's 22. Do you have to marry him? Couldn't you just adopt him?
Marriage isn't that big a deal any more 'cause it is so easy to get divorced. You want commitment? Buy a house. Nothing says love like thirty years of debt together.'
Damn it, sir, it is your duty to get married. You can't be always living for pleasure.
This afternoon he asked me to be his wife, and I turned him down like a bedspread.
Marry me and you will be farting through silk for the rest of your life.
Marriage is a punishment for shoplifting in some countries.
Marriage is like the Middle East. There is no solution.
Marriage is just first step towards divorce.
Never marry for money. Divorce for money.
There's a way of transferring funds that's even faster then electronic banking. It's called marriage
Will you marry me? Did he leave you any money? Answer the second question first.