The dumbest question I was ever asked by a sports reporter was whether I hit harder with red or white gloves. As a matter of fact, I hit harder with red.
Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast the disc jockey is not allowed to talk.
The one function TV news performs very well is that when there is no news we give it to you with the same emphasis as if there were.
I was on the subway sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes up and says, 'Are you reading that?' I didn't know what to say, so I just said, `Yes,' stood up, turned the page and sat down again.
Reading someone else's newspaper is like sleeping with someone else's wife. Nothing seems to be precisely in the right place, and when you find what you are looking for, it is not clear then how to respond to it.
Every good journalist has a novel in him - which is an excellent place for it.
As a humour columnist, I don't do witty off the cuff remarks; it's like throwing five-pound notes into the gutter.
I daren't take a holiday. If I stop writing my column for a month it might affect the circulation of the newspaper - or it might not.
A daily column is a grave two inches wide and twenty inches deep.
I get up in the morning with an idea for a three-volume novel and by nightfall, it's a paragraph in my column.
The article is long yet vigorous, like the penis of a jackass.
Sorry the article's late. Someone was using the pencil.
Give someone half a page in a newspaper and they think they own the world.
No passion in the world, no love or hate, is equal to the passion to alter someone else's copy.
Although most magazines pay so much a word, virtually none of them will be words submitted individually.
If you are Editor of The Times, you can never get away for an evening. It's worse than a herd of dairy cows.
Only editors, presidents and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial 'we'.
An editor should have a pimp for a brother so he'd have someone to look up to.
The conscience of an editor is purely decorative.
If you can't plug it into the mains or fuck it, the editor's not interested.
Half of the American people never read a newspaper. Half never vote for President. One hopes it is the same half.
An editor is a person employed on a newspaper, whose business it is to separate the wheat from the chaff, and to see that the chaff is printed.
Rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read.
I thought about becoming a political cartoonist because they only have to come up with one idea a day, but then I thought I'd become a sportswriter because they don't have to come up with any. It's the toy department.
Politicians who complain about the media are like ships' captains who complain about the sea.
Whenever I write for the Times Literary Supplement,I feel I ought to be wearing a knitted tie.
Freedom of the press in Britain means freedom to print such of the proprietor's prejudices as the advertisers don't object to.
Exclusives aren't what they used to be. We tend to put 'exclusive' on everything just to annoy other papers. I once put 'exclusive'on the weather by mistake.
Most of what you read in the papers is lies. I should know. A lot of the lies are mine.
Except for the Flood, nothing was ever as bad as reported.
Everything you read in the newspapers is absolutely true, except for that rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge, which is absolutely false.
You should always believe all you read in the newspapers, as this makes them more interesting.
Here's the weird thing about the Murdoch family - they believe what they read in the papers.
Never criticize a man who buys ink by the barrel.
No self-respecting fish would be wrapped in a Murdoch newspaper.
I like The Times. It's not too rough on the buttocks.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Modern journalism is survival of the vulgarest.
There is much to be said in favour of modern journalism. By giving us the opinions of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community.
A reporter for Time magazine was spending two weeks on an aircraft carrier, but sent back an expenses claim which included a sum for 'taxis'. His editor asked him to justify the item. He cabled back, 'Big ship.
fact that he has arrived to cover it.
No news is good news; no journalists is even better.
A reporter is someone who has renounced everything in life except the world, the flesh, and the devil.
He's a fastidious journalist. He once telephoned a semicolon from Moscow.
The only qualities essential for real success in journalism arc rat-like cunning, a plausible manner, and a little literary ability.
A journalist is somebody who possesses himself of a fantasy and lures the truth towards it.
There are four sexes: men, women, clergymen and journalists.
What makes me qualified to be a reporter? Well, I'm willing to violate anyone's privacy for my personal gain and then claim with a straight face that the public has a right to know.
Journalism largely consists in saying 'Lord Jones Dead' to people who never knew Lord Jones was alive.
People everywhere confuse what they read in newspapers with news.
Journalism consists in buying paper at two cents a pound and selling it for ten cents a pound.
- The Financial Times crossword.