Funny Quotes About Divorce

Best funny quotes about divorce - My wife and I are getting remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.

I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

My wife and I are getting remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.

Rodney Dangerfield

Divorce? Never. Murder? Often!

Sybil Thorndike

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.

Elayne Boosler

Divorce is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left.

Jean Kerr

My wife got the house, the car, the bank account, and if I marry again and have children, she gets them too.

Woody Allen

Marriage is but for a little while. It is alimony that is for ever.

Quentin Crisp

A lawyer is never entirely comfortable with a friendly divorce, any more than a good mortician wants to finish his job and then have the patient sit up on the slab.

Jean Kerr

Conrad Hilton was very generous to me in the divorce settlement. He gave me 5,000 Gideon Bibles.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

Johnny Carson

I come from a wealthy divorced family. My mom's wealthy. My dad's divorced.

Pauley Shore

When you live by yourself again, it's like, as if by magic, all your annoying habits are gone.

Merrill Markoe

Alimony is the screwing you get for the screwing you got.

Jim Davidson

The happiest time of anyone's life is just after the first divorce.

J.K. Galbraith

I know what 'custody of the children' means. It means 'get even'.

Lenny Bruce

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.

Vera Foster

Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

Saddam Hussein went from living in a palace to a one-bedroom hovel with next to no possessions. Where I come from, we call that divorce.

Johnnie Casson

When I got divorced, I went through the various stages of grieving - anger, denial, and dancing around my settlement cheque.

Maura Kennedy

Being a divorcee in a small town is a little like playing Monopoly; eventually you land on all the properties.

John Updike

Why do Hollywood divorces cost so much? Because they're worth it.

Johnny Carson

If you made a list of the reasons why any couple got married, and another list of the reasons for their divorce, you'd have a hell of a lot of overlapping.

Mignon McLaughlin

I never speak about my ex-husbands except under hypnosis.

Joan Collins

Roseanne went on Saturday Night Liveand said I had a 3-inch penis. Well, even a 747 looks small if it's landing in the Grand Canyon.

Tom Arnold

I'm not upset about my divorce. I'm only upset I'm not a widow.


I still miss my ex, but my aim is improving.

Woody Woodbury

Honey, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.

Homer Simpson

It's tough. After five years of marriage, it's difficult to lose the one with the good credit rating.

Rich Voss

Divorce can be seen as the legal alternative to murder.

Jeff Foxworthy

Divorce is the sacrament of adultery.

Jean Guichard

My wife and I pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.

Woody Allen

It was a very messy divorce because there was a baby involved. Him.

Wendy Liebman

I never even believed in divorce until after I got married.

Diane Ford

Divorce comes from the Latin word divorcerummeaning 'to have your genitals torn out through your wallet'.

Robin Williams

When I won the golf challenge in South Africa, I asked my wife if she'd like a designer dress or diamonds as a present, but she said, 'No, I want a divorce.' I said I wasn't planning on spending that much.

Nick Faldo

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