The council election in Bolton has been done by e-mail, and was won by Click Here For Penis Enlargement.
We used to have lots of questions to which there were no answers. Now, with the computer, there are lots of answers to which we haven't thought up the questions.
The trouble with the Internet is that it is replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in, 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire,' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.
They call it 'surfing' the net. It's not surfing. It's typing in your bedroom.
The Internet is so big, so powerful and so pointless that for some people it is a complete substitute for life.
Getting information from the Internet is like trying to get a glass of water from Niagara Falls.
When I log on to AOL it says, 'You've got problems.
How do I set my laser printer to stun?
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
Bill Gates is only a white Persian cat and a monocle away from being the villain in a James Bond movie.
I have emerged unscathed from the information explosion.
Bill Gates declared to the world, 'I am Microsoft.' Mrs Gates had no comment.
Computers are like humans - they do everything except think.
I don't know anything about computers. I don't even know how often to change the oil.
I got a computer. I wrote an apology note to my VCR for ever thinking it was difficult. You find someone in this country who can print out an envelope.
In view of all the deadly computer viruses that have been spreading lately, I would like to remind you: when you link up to another computer, you're linking up to every computer that that computer has ever linked up to.
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history, with the possible exception of handguns and tequila.
Computers don't poop, fart, luck or laugh, and cannot detect irony. These, then, are the distinguishing characteristics of humanity.
To Start Press Any Key. Where's the ANY key?
To err is human and to blame it on the computer is even more so.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
No matter which computer you buy, no matter how much money you spend, by the time you get it back to your car, it's an eight-track tape player.
A computer is like an Old Testament God - lots of rules and no mercy.