The mobile phone ... the fax machine ... the e-mail. Call me old-fashioned, but what's wrong with a chain of beacons?
-I'm sure you remember my number. -Still 666?
Only a man will think of a burp as a greeting for another man.
The technological advance I'm waiting for on my phone is the 'get to the point' button.
I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get ahold of me they just say, 'Mitch,' and I say, 'What?' and turn my head slightly.
Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.
Have you ever noticed that wrong numbers are never engaged?
At the end of every year, I add up the time that I have spent on the phone on hold and subtract it from my age. I don't count that time as really living. By the time I die, I'm going to be quite young.
I need a mobile phone like I need a hole in the head. Which may turn out to be the same thing.
The cell phone people say there's absolutely no danger from cell phone radiation. Boy, it didn't take those tobacco executives long to find new jobs, did it?
New York is the first state to ban talking on hand-held cell phones while driving. First-time violators could receive a fine of $100, with an additional mandatory six-month jail sentence if your ring tone plays a Latin theme novelty song.
The concept behind the mobile phone is that you have absolutely nothing to say and you've got to talk to someone about it right now.
When I'm on a train and someone starts to bellow into their mobile phone I shout, 'Quiet! I'm trying to travel.
You need a mobile phone. How else can you let people know that you are on the train?
Mobile phones are the only subject on which men boast about who's got the smallest.
You're at home you're on the phone, you're in the car you're makin' calls, you get to work, 'Any messages for me?' You've got to give people a chance to miss you a little bit.
Hello, this is Harris. I'm in right now, so you can talk to me personally. Please start talking at the sound of the beep.
I climbed a mountain and hollered, 'Hellooo!' A voice came back, `The echo is busy at the moment. Leave a message at the beep, and we'll get back to you.
Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
I like to leave a message before the beep.
Hi, this is Sylvia. I'm not home right now, so when you hear the beep ... hang up.
All phone calls are obscene.
What fresh hell is this?
I don't answer the telephone because I have this feeling there is going to be somebody on the other end.
I have e-mail, a pager, a cell phone, a fax. I've got an answering machine, three phone lines at home, one in my purse, and a phone in my car. The only excuse I have if I don't return your call is I just don't like you.
Sending your girlfriend's love letters to your rival after he has married her is one form of revenge.
To write a love letter we must begin without knowing what we intend to say, and end without knowing what we have written.
A real love letter is absolutely ridiculous to everyone except the writer and the recipient.
A woman seldom writes her mind but in her postscript.
Nine-tenths of the letters in which people speak unreservedly of their inmost feelings are written after ten at night.
In my life, I have received no more than one or two letters that were worth the postage.
Correspondences are like knickers without elastic. It is impossible to keep them up.
One of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that they need no answer.
Ever get a letter and you aren't sure who it's from? Run after the postman and shout, '1471'. He'll have to tell you.
Never answer a letter until you get a second one on the same subject from the same person.
Good news rarely comes in a brown envelope.
I believe in opening my mail once a month - whether it needs it or not.
There is a kind of person who will sit down and compose an answer to a family letter directly it has been received.
You can e-mail me, but I prefer letters that come through conventional mail. I like letters that have been licked by strangers.