Funny Quotes About Children

Best funny quotes about children

I took the wife's family out for tea and biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

Les Dawson

Many people would rather tour a sewer than visit their relatives.

Jane Howard

I don't vising my parents often because Delta Airlines won't wait in the yard while I run in.

Margaret Smith

When I looked up my family tree I found out I was the sap.

Rodney Dangerfield

If turn into my parents, I'' either be an alcoholic blonde chaing 21-year-old boys, or I'll wind up like my mother.

Chandler Bing, Friends

To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to loose both looks like carelessness.

Oscar Wilde

The only advantage to being an adult is that you can eat your dessert without having eaten your vegatables.

Lisa Alther

There are few things more satisfying than seeing your children have teenagers of their own.

Doug Larson

Saw my mom today. It was all right she didn’t see me.

Margaret Smith

Telling a teenager the facts of life is like giving fish a bath.

Arnold Glasgow

No need to worry about teenagers when they're not at home. A national survey reveals that they all go to the same place - 'out' - and they all do the same thing - 'nothing'.

Bruce Lansky

Never lend your car to anyone whom you have given birth.

Nora Ephron

Adults are obsolete children.

Doctor Seuss

There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't aggravate.

Jean Kerr

You know your kids are growing up when they start asking questions which there are answers.

John Plomp

_Jack's up in his room planning his future. _The only thing he's planning is his next wank. Whether he's going to use his left hand or his right.

Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne

I am so absolutely certain there is no life on Mars. It's not listed on my daughter's phone bills.

Larry Matthews

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

Fran Lebowitz

The only thing I ever said to my parents when I was a teenager was 'Hang up, I got it!

Carol Leifer

The worst eternal triangle know is a teenager, parent and telephone.

Lavonne Mathison

Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.

Jim Bishop

My daughter thinks I'm nosy - at least, that's what she wrote in her diary.

Jenny Abrams

If you've never seen a real, fully developed look of disgust, tell your son how you conducted yourself when you were a boy.

Elbert Hubbard

If Abraham's son had been a teenage it wouldn't have been a sacrifice.

Scott Spendlove

Teenagers are God's punishment for having sex.

Patrick Murray

So, you're my daughter's dat. Let me warn you - anything happens to my daughter, I've got a .45 and a shovel. I doubt anybody would miss you.

Mel Horowitz, Clueless

Adolescence is the stage between puberty and adultery.

Denis Norden

On thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.

Dave Barry

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Phyllis Diller

My teenage son is half-man, half-mattress.

Val Valentine

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have an old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was so astonished at how much he learned in seven years.

Mark Twain

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

Erma Bombeck

Yes, I did take money from the kids' piggy banks, but I always left you an IOU.

W.C. Fields

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.

Dick Cavett

I take my children everywhere but they always find their way back home.

Robert Orben

If thine enemy offend thee, give his child a drum.

Fran Lebowitz

Parents are not interested in justice, they are interested in quiet.

Bill Cosby

One thing they never tell about child-raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat , you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.

Erma Bombeck

The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant - and let the air out of their tyres.

Dorothy Parker

I'm against corporal punishment. Mental torture is much more effective.

Lily Savage

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.

John Paul Getty

There are only two things that a child will share willingly - communicable diseases and its mother's age.

Benjamin Spock

Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.

Leo Rosten on W.C. Fields

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Emo Philips

When I was a girl I had only two friends, and they were imaginary. And they would only play with each other.

Rita Rudner

When I was a kid, I had no friends. If I wanted to play on the seesaw, I had to keep running from one end to the other.

Rodney Dangerfield

I had a happy childhood. We were poor, but we were shoplifters.

Lily Savage

Everyone wants to save the earth. No one wants to help mom dry the dishes.

P.J. O'Rourke

any child who is anxious to mow the lawn is too young to do it.

Bob Phillips

When I was a young child, I had an imaginary friend, and I thought that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him, and he could talk to me, and he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up and stopped going to church.

Jimmy Carr

If a kids asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell them is 'God is crying.' And if they ask why god is crying, another cute thing to tell them is, 'Probably because of something you did.

Jack Handey

There are three ways to get something done: dot it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Mona Crane

Even when freshly washed a relieved of all the obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.

Fran Lebowitz

I'd like to smack smug parents who say, "Our three-year-old's reading Harry Potter.' Well, my three-year-old's smearing his shit on the fridge door.

Jack Dee

I'd say half of all our Lego has been through this kid.

Reese, Malcolm in the middle

Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.

Fran Lebowitz

My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.

Phyllis Diller

I am fond of all children except boys.

Lewis Carroll

You can tell the kids are growing up: their bite marks are higher.

Phyllis Diller

My parents finally realize that I've been kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: they rent out my room.

Woody Allen

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He asked for more proof.

Rodney Dangerfield

Oh, honey, you're not the world's worst mother. What about the freezer lady in Georgia?

Homer Simpson

Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.

Red Skelton

Kids are like husbands - they're fine as long as they're someone else's.

Marsha Warfield

If a child shows himself to be incorrigible, he should be decently and quietly beheaded at the age of twelve les he grow to maturity, marry and perpetuate his kind.

Don Marquis

Patience and restraint are what parents have when there are witnesses.

Franklin P. Jones

When kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

Erma Bombeck

The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you start to sound like a five-year-old.

Jean Kerr

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

Emo Philips

I was there at the first night of J.M. Barrie's play, Peter Pan. Oh, for an hour of Herod!

Anthony Hope

Children can be horrible - manipulative, aggressive, rude and unfeeling to a point where I often think that, if armed, they would make up the most terrifying force the world has ever seen.

Jill Tweedie

The worst sensation I know of is getting up at night and stepping on a toy train.

Kin Hubbard

One time I had to go out, so I asked Woody Allen to watch the children. When I returned less than an hour later, he was throwing his hats and gloves on fire. The kids were ecstatic. Woody just shrugged and said, 'I ran out of things.

Mia Farrow

The main purpose of the children's parties is to remind you that there are children worse than yours.

Katherine Whitehorn

The trouble with children is that they are not returnable.

Quentin Crisp

Little kids in supermarkets buy cereal the way men buy lingerie. They get the stuff they have no interested in just to get the price inside.

Jeff Foxworthy

In general, my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced on television.

Erma Bombeck

Toddlers are more likely to eat healthy food if they find it on the floor.

Jan Blaustone

Kids will eat anything - snot, scabs, soil, earwax, toenail clippings. But not sprouts.

Tony Burgess

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.

Fran Lebowitz

My mother never saw the irony of calling me a son of a bitch.

Richard Jeni

I told my mon I was gonna run away from home. She said, 'On your marks…

Rodney Dangerfield

My very first day of school, my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. I didn't know anyone. And there were lots of trees.

Brian Kiley

My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle.

Joan Rivers

Fortunately, my parents were intelligent, enlightened people who accepted me for what I was - a punishment from God.

David Steinburg

When I was a kid, we had a quicksand pit in our backyard. I was the only child … eventually.

Steven Wright

Most men are secretly still mad at their mothers for throwing out their comic books, which would be very valuable now.

Rita Rudner

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.

Joe Namath

Big sisters are crabgrass on the lawn of life.

Charlie Brown

I didn't get a toy train like other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, every so often, you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

Steven Wright

When I was a kid, I played doctors and nurses with the boy next door and goes sued for malpractice.

Phyllis Diller

The child was a keen bed-wetter.

Noel Coward

Children and zip fasteners do not respond to force. Except occasionally.

Katherine Whitehorn

What is a home without children? Quiet.

Henny Youngman

Don’t buy one of those baby monitors. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards and they do it on purpose.

Billy Connolly

It is not advisable to put your head around your child's door to see if it is asleep. It was.

Faith Hines

Notoriously insensitive to subtle shifts in mood, children will persist in discussing the colour of the recently sighted cement-mixer long after one's interest in the topic was waned.

Fran Lebowitz

Warning: remove child before folding.

Instructions on a pushchair

Men who have fought in the world's bloodiest wars are apt to faint at the sight of a truly foul diaper.

Gary Christenson

Out of the mouth of babes - usually when you've got your best suit on.

Geraldine Baxter

I hate to see women breastfeeding in public. The baby's head obscures your view.

Sean Meo

Kids are great. You can teach them to hate the things you hate and they practically raise themselves nowadays, you know, with the Internet and all.

Homer Simpson

My mother didn't breastfeed me. She said she just liked me as a friend.

Rodney Dangerfield

I can't get past the fact that milk is coming of my wife's breasts. What once was an entertainment center hast turned into a juice bar.

Paul Reiser

I have good-looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats one me.

Rodney Dangerfield

I was so ugly as a kid, when I played in the sand pit. The cat kept covering me up.

Rodney Dangerfield

Like so many infants of tender years, he presented to the eye the aspect of a mass murderer suffering from an ingrowing toenail.

P.G. Wodehouse

I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.

Henny Youngman

When I was born, my mother looked at me and look at the afterbirth and screamed, 'Twins!

Joan Rivers

All babies are supposed to look like me - at both ends.

Winston Churchill

When your first baby drops its dummy, you sterilize it. When your second baby drops its dummy, you tell the dog to go 'Fetch!

Bruce Lansky

Never change diapers in mid-stream.

Dom Marquis

I have three children - one of each.

Rodney Dangerfield

I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five ain't bad.

Henny Youngman

If you desire to drain to the dregs the fullest cup of scorn and hatred that a fellow human being can pour out for you, let a young mother hear you call her baby 'it'.

Jerome K. Jerome

An advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.

Erma Bombeck

The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.

Lane Olinghouse

I love my kids. Of course, I'd trade any of them for a dishwasher.


It was on my fifth birthday, my dad put his hand on my shoulder and said, 'Remember, son, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one on the end of your arm.

Sam Levenson

My mother bores everyone with our photo albums. There's even one called 'Pictures We Took Just To Use Up The Rest Of The Film'.

Penelope Lombard

I like flipping through our family photo albums. It's fun to see what I looked like as a baby, and what my apartment furniture looked like new.

Jeff Shaw

My family is so dysfunctional that when I looked up the word 'dysfunctional' in the dictionary there was a picture of my mother.

Paulara Hawkins

I played with my grandfather a lot when I was a kid. He was dead, but my parents had him cremated and put his ashes in my Etch-a-Sketch.

Alan Havey

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps many parents going.

Phyllis Diller

My mother loved children. She would have given anything if I had been one.

Groucho Marx

If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.

Steven Wright

The black dog was the only intelligent member of the family. He died a few years later. He was poisoned, and no one will convince me it wasn't suicide.

Hugh Leonard

Coming from my family, having a happy childhood was as likely as Jeffrey Dahmer being the food critic of New York Times.

Gloria Brinkworth

If murder had been allowed when my Dad was in his prime, our home would have been like the last act of Othelloalmost daily.

Nancy Mitford

My dad was a joker. Whenever I misbehaved, he would burry me in the backyard. Only up to the waist, but you can get really dizzy when all the blood rushes to your head.

Emo Philips

Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

Peter Kay

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot. But I always found them.

Rodney Dangerfield

We used to have fire drill practice in my house. Everybody had their own special duty. My dad had to get the pets, my mom took the jewellery, my brother ran to get help. They told me to save the washer and the dryer.

Ellen DeGeneres

When I was little, my father used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

Steven Wright

When I was a baby, my father used to throw me up in the air and then go and answer the phone.

Rita Rudner

My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and penchant for buggers. My mother was a fifteen-year-old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My childhood was typical: summers in Rangoon; luge lessons. In the spring, we'd make meat helmets.

Austin Powers

I never saw my grandad as I was growing up, because he was excellent at hiding.

Harry Hill

Remember, as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family.

Homer Simpson

_Are you the oldest in the family? _No, no, my mother and father are much older.

Gracie Allen

A family is a unit composed of a man, a woman, children, an occasional animal, and the common cold.

Ogden Nash

I believe in large families. Everyone should have at least three husbands.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

I came from a typical American family. You know, me, my mother, her third husband, his daughter from a second marriage, my stepsister, her illegitimate son.

Carol Henry

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soup-on-a-rope.

Bill Cosby

All a child can expect is that its father be present at the conception.

Joe Orton

A woman knows everything about her children. She knows about dental appointments and football games and best friends and favourite foods and romances and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Dave Barry

You know you're a mother when you use your own saliva to clean your child's face, and when your child throws up, you catch it.

Erma Bombeck

A successful parent is one who raises a child who grows up and is able to pay for their own psychoanalysis.

Nora Ephron

I had dinner with my father last night, and made a classic Freudian slip. I meant to say, 'Please pass the salt,' but it came out, 'You prick, you ruined my childhood.

Jonathan Katz

The thing that best defines a child is the total inability to absorb information from anything not plugged in.

Bill Cosby

I love to go down to the playground and watch all the kiddies jumping and shouting. They don't know I'm firing blanks.

Emo Philips

_Yeah, sure, for you, a baby's all fun and games. For me, it's diaper changes and midnight feedings. _Doesn't Mom do all that stuff? _Year, but I have to hear about it.

Homer and Lisa Simpson

My unhealthy affection for my second daughter was waned. I know despise all of my seven children equally.

Evelyn Waugh

They fuck you, your mom and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. And fill you with the faults they had And add some extra, just for you.

Philip Larkin

The only thing you have to remember about labour babies is not to stick your thumb in that soft bit on their heads.

Linda Smith

Having children gives your life a purpose. Right now, my purpose is to get some sleep.

Reno Goodale

I love children, especially when they cry, because then somebody takes them away.

Nancy Mitford

Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething.

Mark Twain

Becoming a grandmother is great fun because you can use the kid to get back at your daughter.


If your baby is beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses, sleeps on schedule and burps on time - you're the grandma.

Theresa Bloomingdale

My father thought I was so ugly he carried around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

Rodney Dangerfield

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. My parents gave me a rattle that was still attached to the snake.

Joan Rivers

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

Rodney Dangerfield

I was never a mother's favourite - I was an only child.

Thomas Berger

When I was born, I was so surprised that I didn't talk for a year and a half.

Gracie Allen

A baby is nothing more than a loud noise at one end no sense of responsibility at the other.

Ronald Knox

When I got my foster son, he was the cutest little guy I'd ever seen but there was always a little voice at the back of my mind going, 'Remember, the saxophone was in the closet after a month.

Paula Poundstone

Having a baby is like suddenly getting the world's worst roommate, like having Janis Joplin with a bad hangover and PMS come to stay with you.

Anne Leriott

My friends keep wanting to show me films of their baby's birth. No, thanks, but I'll look at the video of conception, if you have one.

Garry Shandling

I was a caesarean birth, but you can't really tell, except that every time I leave the house I go out by the window.

Steven Wright

I love children - if they're properly cooked.

W.C. Fields

If pregnancy were a book, they would cut the last two chapters.

Nora Ephron

To simulate the birth experience, take one car jack, insert into rectum, pump to maximum height and replace with a jack-hammer. And that would be a good birth.

Kathy Lette

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Carol Burnett

You have this myth, as the father, that if you're there at the birth, you're sharing the birthing experience. Unless you're opening an umbrella up your ass, I don't think so.

Robin Williams

One of my friends told me she was in labour for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

Rita Rudner

When first they brought the baby in to me I stared inert, and thought, this is the author of my pain.

Bessie Breuer

I remember the very first time I ever held my son in my arms as a new born. Everything else in the universe melted away. There was just a father, a son, and the distant sound of my wife saying, 'If you ever come near me again, I'll drop you with a deer rifle.

Frasier Crane, Frasier

I felt like a man trapped in a woman's body. Then I was born.

Chris Bliss

For a father, a home birth is preferable. That way you're not missing anything on television.

Jeremy Hardy

I told my wife I don't want to be there at the birth. I don't see why my evening should be ruined too.

Dennis Wolfberg

I got married and we had a baby nine months and ten seconds later.

Jayne Mansfield

My wife, God bless her, was in labour for 32 hours, and I was faithful to her the entire time.

Jonathan Katz

Good work, Mary. We all knew you had it in you.

Dorothy Parker

It's kind of ironic that they caution pregnant women not to drink alcohol in case it harms the baby. If it wasn't for alcohol, most women wouldn't be that way.

Rita Rudner

By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.

Phyllis Diller

I'm hooping my baby boy is a homosexual because they're good to their mothers.

Ruth Sansom

_What are you hoping it is? _My husband's.

Roy Chubby Brown

My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt.

Gracue Allen

To enter life by way of the vagina is as good a way as any.

Henry Miller

I envy Kangaroos. The baby Crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, and gets into the pouch, and starts to grow. I'd have a baby if it would mature in my handbag.

Rita Rudner

Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to conceive.

Don Herold

Giving away baby clothes and nursery furniture is a major cause of pregnancy.

Esther Slesdom

My husband and I have decide to start a family while my parents are still young enough to look after them.

Rita Rudner

Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies who like to eat theirs.

P.J. O'Rourke

I'll never have a baby because I'm scared I'll leave it on top of my car.

Liz Winstead

I do get broody occasionally - like when I'm lying on the couch and can't get the remote I think, a kid would be nice right now.

Kathleen Madigan

I can't have children because I have white couches.

Carrie Snow

Parenthood is a lot easier to get into than out of.

Bruce Lansky

Pregnancy is incredible. I can't believe you can create a human being just from things you have around the house.


I was asking a friend who has children, 'What if I have a baby and I dedicate my life to it and it grows up and hate me, and it blames everything wrong with its life on me.' And she said, "What do you mean, if?

Rita Rudner

My friends are like, oh, you should have a baby. You'll learn all sorts of stuff, like how to survive on two hours' sleep. If I want to learn that, I'll just become a political prisoner.

Cathryn Michon

_Imagine a child with my beauty and your brains. _Yes, but what if the child inherits my beauty and your brains?

Isadora Duncan and George Bernard Shaw

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin or carpet or our lives.

Rita Rudner

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