Funny Quotes About Age

Best funny quotes about age

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age.

Lucille Ball

Growing old is compulsory. Growing up is optional.

Bob Monkhouse

I knew I was getting old when the Pope started looking young.

Billy Wilder

What would I appreciate getting for my 87th birthday? A paternity suit.

George Burns

_What is the secret to your long life? _Keep breathing.

Sophia Tucker

At my age, flowers scare me.

George Burns

The years that a woman subtracts from her age are not lost. They are added to the ages of other women.

Diane de Poitiers

To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early or be respectable.

Oscar Wilde

The Grateful Dead are like bad architecture or an old whore. Stick around long enough and you eventually get respectable.

Jerry Garcia

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets; the more interested he is in her.

Agatha Christie

I attribute my long and healthy life to the fact that I never touched a cigar rete, a drink, or a girl until I was 10 years old.

George Moore

Old age is like waiting in the department lounge of life. Fortunately we are in England and the train is bound to be late.

Milton Shulman

One of the delights know to age and beyond the grasp of youth is that of Not Going.

J.B Priestley

I'm at the age where my back goes out more than I do.

Phyllis Diller

Like the pro said, it's not the work, it's the stairs.

Elaine Stritch

There are three ages of man: youth, middle age, and 'you're looking well'.

Red Skelton

The old believe everything; the middle suspect everything; the young know everything.

Oscar Wilde

To be young, really young, takes a very long time.

Pablo Picasso

I refuse to admit that I'm more than 52, even if that makes my sons illegitimate.

Nancy Astor

As a graduate of the Zsa Zsa Gabor School of Creative Mathematics, I honestly do not know how old I am.

Erma Bombeck

My sister, Jackie, is younger than me. We don't know quite by how much.

Joan Collins

Exactly how old is Joan Collins? We need a expert. Someone who reads the rings on tress.

Ruby Wax

Maturity is a high price to pay for growing up.

Maurice Chevalier

To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am.

Bernard Baruch

Growing old is like being increasingly penalized for a crime you haven't committed.

Anthony Powell

Whenever your friends compliment you about looking young, you may be sure they thing you are growing old.

Washing Irving

Whatever a man's age may be, he can reduce it by several years by putting a bright-coloured flower in his buttonhole.

Mark Twain

Middle age is when you are sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it wasn't for you.

Ogden Nash

Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

Groucho Marx

My grandmother is over 80 and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right of the bottle.

Henny Youngman

Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative.

Maurice Chevalier

As a young man, I used to have four supple members and one stiff one. Now I have four stiff and one supple.

Henri duc D'Aumale

If I'd known I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself.

Adolph Zukor

I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else.

Josh Billings

As a lady of a certain age, I am willing to let the photographers and their zoom lenses stay, but only if they use their Joan Collins lens on for close-ups.

Kay Ullrich

There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.

Bob Phillips

To what do I attribute my longevity? Bad luck mostly?

Billy Wilder

If I marry again at my age, I'll go on honeymoon to Viagra Falls.

George Burns

_Who wants to be 95? _94-year olds.

George Burns

There's one advantage to being 102. No peer pressure.

Dennis Wolfberg

_To what do you attribute your long life? _To the fact that I haven't died yet.

Sir Malcolm Sargent

There's one more terrifying thing about old people: I'm going to be one soon.

P.J. O'Rourke

You can live to be 100 if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be 100.

Woody Allen

When I turn my hearing aid up to ten, I can hear a canary break wind six miles away.

Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls

I was introduced to a beautiful young lady as a man in his nineties. Early nineties, I insisted.

George Burns

If you live to be 90 in England and call still eat a boiled egg, they think you deserve the Nobel Prize.

Alan Bennett

If you are allowed to smack children you should be allowed to smack old people as well, because they are just as much of a nuisance as children, if not more.

Jack Dee

We've all seen them, on the street corners, many of them smoking, many of them on drugs; they've got no jobs to go to, and once a week we see them queuing for the state hand-outs - or pensions, as we call them.

Harry Hill

My grandmother's 85 and starting to get forgetful. The family's upset about it but I don't mind because I get eight cheques on my birthday from her. That's forty bucks.

Tom Arnold

I knew I was getting older when I was in Marks and spencer's, saw a pair of Doctor Scholl's and thought, hmm, they look comfy.

Victoria Wood

You know you're old when your family talk is about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.

Rodney Dangerfield

First, you forget names, then you forget faces. Next, you forget to pull your zipper up and finally you forget to pull it down.

George Burns

I'm too old for a paper round, too young for social security and too tired for an affair.

Erma Bombeck

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

Bob Hope

It's official. I'm middle-aged. I don't need drugs anymore. I can get the same effect just by standing up real fast.

Jonathan Katz

I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over.

Woody Allen

After forty, a woman has to choose between losing her figure or her face. My advice is too keep our face, stay sitting down.

Barbara Cartland

A man is only as old as the women he feels.

Groucho Marx

_How old Carry Grant? _Carry Grant fine. How you?

Cary Grant

Mick Jagger told me the wrinkles on his face were laughter lines but nothing is that funny.

George Melly

Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.

Phyllis Diller

There are people who are beautiful in dilapidation, like houses that were hideous when new.

Logan Pearsall Smith

Is not old wine wholesomest, old pippins toothsomes, old wood burns brightest, old linen wash whitest, and old lovers soundest?

John Webster

Age is something that doesn't matter unless you are cheese.

Billie Burke

How foolish to think that one can ever slam the door in the face of age. Much wiser to be polite and gracious and ask him to lunch in advance.

Noël Coward

_How did your meeting with the movie produce go? _Terrific. He said I have the eyes of a 12-year-old, the complexion of a 20-year-old, and the legs of a 25-year-old. _What about your 60-year-old cunt? _You were never mentioned.

Ernest Borgnine and Ethel Merman, husband and wife

Take my photography? You might as well use a picture of a relief map of Ireland!

Nancy Astor

When I looked at the wrinkled skin on W.H. Auden's face, I kept wondering, what must his balls look like?

David Hockney

Men in their forties are like the New York Times Sunday crossword puzzle - tricky, complicated, and you're never really sure you got the right answer.

Samantha Jones, Sex and the City

Wrinkle cream doesn't work. I've been using it for two years and my balls still look like raisins.

Harland Williams

It's great to have grey hair. Ask anyone who's bald.

Rodney Dangerfield

If you want to know how old a woman is, ask her sister-in-law.

Ed Howe

I'm not really wrinkled. I just took a nap on a chenille bedspread.

Phyllis Diller

_You know what the worst part about getting old is? _Your face?

Blanche Deveraux and Dorothy Zbornak

The secret of my youthful appearance is simple - mashed swede. As a face mask, as a night cap, and in an emergency, as a draught excluder.

Victoria Wood

I found my first grey hair today. On my chest.

Wendy Liebman

I said to my husband, my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs. He said, 'Blue goes with everything.

Joan Rivers

I can't believe I'm thirty. Do you know how much that is in gay years?

Jack McFarland, Will and Grace

In Los Angeles, people don't get older, they just get tighter.

Greg Proops

I don't want to live to be 100. I don't think I could stand to see bell bottom trousers three times.

Jeff Foxworthy

I don't feel 80. In fact I don't feel anything until noon, then it's time for my nap.

Bob Hope

You know you're getting older when you have sex with someone half your age and it's legal.

Dan Savage

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

George Burns

I'm pleased to be here. Let's faced it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.

George Burns

I'm so old, my blood type is discontinued.

Bill Dane

Big 30. It's the perfect age. You can date college girls and their mothers.

Stuart Bondek

I'm 65 but if there were 15 months in every year, I'd only be 48.

James Thurber

There is still no cure for the common birthday.

John Glenn

A women is as old as she looks before breakfast.

Ed Howe

She said she was approaching 40 and I couldn't help wondering from which direction.

Bob Hope

One problem with growing older is that it gets increasingly tougher to find a famous historical figure who didn't amount to much when he was your age.

Bill Vaugham

Never trust a woman who tells you here real age. A woman who would tell you that, would tell you anything.

Oscar Wilde

A women telling her true age is like a buyer confiding his final price to an Armenian rug dealer.

Mignon McLaughlin

From birth to 18, a girl needs good parents. From 18 to 35, she needs good looks. From 35 to 55, good personality. From 55 on, she needs good cash.

Sophie Tucker

Thirty is a nice age for a women. Especially if she happens to be forty.

Phyllis Diller

It's sad to grow old, but nice to ripen.

Brigitte Bardot

The older you get, the better you get - unless you are a banana.

Ross Noble

Every morning I get up, I read the obituary page. If my name's not there, I shave

Georg Burns

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