If you want people to think you're wise, just agree with them.
Do not take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive.
You'll find as you go through life that great depth and smouldering sexuality don't always win, I'm sorry to say.
I have problems flown in fresh daily wherever I am.
I have had more trouble with D.L. Moody than with any other man I ever met.
There are ways out of everything , apart from Birmingham's one-way system.
Solutions are not the answer.
It is a mistake to think you can solve major problem just with potatoes.
Keep cool. It will be all one a hundred years hence.
No problem is insoluble given a big enough plastic bag.
It is better to give then to lend, and it costs about the same.
Treat a whore like a lady and a lady like a whore.
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning… sleep late.
It is useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk, or running for office.
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
Always look out for number one and be careful not to step in number two.
Be yourself!' is about the worst advice you can give to some people.
The eleventh commandment: thou shalt not be found out.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
People who live in glass houses might as well answer the door.
I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.
There are few problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosive.
When I asked my accountant if anything could get me out of the mess I am in now, he thought for a long time… 'Yes,' he said. 'Death would help.
When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
If you want to get rid of somebody, just tell them something for their own good.
You will always find some Eskimo ready to instruct the Congolese on how cope with heatwaves.
It's easier to put on slippers than to carpet the whole world.
If you're going through hell, keep going.
Everything is in the hands of man. Therefore wash them often.
Never buy a portable television set in the street from a man who is out of breath.
Of all the thirdy-six alternatives, running away is best.
I'm reading Hints From Heloise and she says that if you put an angora sweater in the freezer for an hour, it won't shed for the rest of the day. And I'm thinking, my cat sheds an awful lot.
Two heads are better than one - unless they're on the same body.
If you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself', as O.J. Simpson once told me.
If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot yourself in the posterior.
Always burn correspondence. Disregard everybody. Faint gracefully. Howsoever interpret John Keats. Learn macramé. Nibble only. Untangle vines.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
You haven't got the guts to pull that trigger' is almost always a bad thing to say.
Just remember: it's lonely at the top, when there's no one on the bottom.
Always say Benjamin Franklin said it first and people will accept your idea much more readily.
A red port-wine stain on the face can be removed with white wine or lemon.
Never be afraid to try something new. Noah was an amateur; the Titanic was built by professionals.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
Never do anything in bed that you can't pronounce.
Pissing in his shoe keeps no man warm for long.
If you can't take the heat, don't tickle the dragon.
Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
The good thing about procrastination is that you always have something planned for tomorrow.
Never put off until tomorrow what can be off until the day after tomorrow.
Always buy a good pair of shoes and a good bed, because if you're not in one, you're in the other.
Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a faceful of rain.
Start off every day with a smile and get it over with.
For sincere advice and the correct time, call any number at random at 3.00 am.
I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.
Remember: it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to pull the trigger of a decent sniper rifle.
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
When a man comes to me for advice, I find out the kind of advice he wants, and I give it to him.
The best advice I was ever given was on my twenty-first birthday when my father said, 'Son, here's a million dollars. Don't lose it.
I always advise people never to give advice.
No vice is so bad as advice.