The media. It sounds like a convention of spiritualists.
Need a hug? Then call now for tickets to a taping of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart! And good luck with that hug.
I don't watch television. I think it destroys the art of talking about oneself.
Norwegian television gives you the sensation of a coma without the worry and inconvenience.
The American people love the Home Shopping Network because it's commercial-free.
In Russia, we had only two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you, 'Turn back immediately to Channel One.
On television you can say you've pricked your finger but not the other way around.
Television is very educational. Every time it comes on, I go into another room and read a book.
If you read a lot of books, you're said to he well-read, but if you watch a lot of television you're not said to be 'well-viewed'.
I keep Radio Three on all the time, just to deter burglars.
I have a problem with the strip that runs along the bottom of programmes. Do you want me to watch the show, or do you want me to read the strip? Don't these idiots who run the networks know we don't want to read? That's why we're watching TV.
Fine art and pizza delivery - being a talk-show host falls neatly in between.
Ideas for television shows: Knowing M.E. Knowing You; Inner City Sumo; Cooking in Prison; Youth Hostelling With Chris Eubank; Monkey Tennis.
As an American, I classify I'm a Celebrity, Get me out of Here in the category of Impenetrable British Mysteries - like beans on toast.
Americans call it the Tonight Show so they can remember when it's on.
In Los Angeles, they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
You don't own a TV? What's all your furniture pointed at?
The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people, and don't come in clearly enough.
I prefer television to movies. It's not so far to the bathroom.
With high definition TV, everything looks bigger and wider. Kind of like going to your 25th high school reunion.
Never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
Television is for appearing on, not for looking at.
I watch about six hours of TV a day. Seven if there's something good on.
Don't you wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'brightness' but it doesn't work.
There's all this talk about violence on TV causing violence on the street. Well, there's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy on the street?
You have to be pretty special to be able to cheapen TV any further. I can't take credit for that. It's like finding a way of making the sun hotter.
If anyone is in the grip of some habit of which they are greatly ashamed, I implore you not to give way to it in secret, but to do it on television.
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
Television is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you wouldn't have in your home.
The other day a woman came up to me and said, 'Didn't I see you on television?' I said, 'don't know. You can't see out the other way.
It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in eight hours of TV a day.
Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.
Television is a weapon of mass distraction.