Funny Quotes About Television

Best funny quotes about television

The media. It sounds like a convention of spiritualists.

Tom Stoppard

Need a hug? Then call now for tickets to a taping of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart! And good luck with that hug.

Jon Stewart

I don't watch television. I think it destroys the art of talking about oneself.

Stephen Fry

Norwegian television gives you the sensation of a coma without the worry and inconvenience.

Bill Bryson

The American people love the Home Shopping Network because it's commercial-free.

Will Durst

In Russia, we had only two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you, 'Turn back immediately to Channel One.

Yakov Smirnoff

On television you can say you've pricked your finger but not the other way around.

George Carlin

Television is very educational. Every time it comes on, I go into another room and read a book.

Groucho Marx

If you read a lot of books, you're said to he well-read, but if you watch a lot of television you're not said to be 'well-viewed'.

Lily Tomlin

I keep Radio Three on all the time, just to deter burglars.

Joan O'Hara

I have a problem with the strip that runs along the bottom of programmes. Do you want me to watch the show, or do you want me to read the strip? Don't these idiots who run the networks know we don't want to read? That's why we're watching TV.

Jerry Seinfeld

Fine art and pizza delivery - being a talk-show host falls neatly in between.

David Letterman

Ideas for television shows: Knowing M.E. Knowing You; Inner City Sumo; Cooking in Prison; Youth Hostelling With Chris Eubank; Monkey Tennis.

Alan Partridge

As an American, I classify I'm a Celebrity, Get me out of Here in the category of Impenetrable British Mysteries - like beans on toast.

Molly Ivins

Americans call it the Tonight Show so they can remember when it's on.

Jo Brand

In Los Angeles, they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

Woody Allen

You don't own a TV? What's all your furniture pointed at?

Joey Tribbiani, Friends

The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people, and don't come in clearly enough.

Bill Maher

I prefer television to movies. It's not so far to the bathroom.

Fred Allen

With high definition TV, everything looks bigger and wider. Kind of like going to your 25th high school reunion.

Jay Leno

Never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

Gore Vidal

Television is for appearing on, not for looking at.

Noel Coward

I watch about six hours of TV a day. Seven if there's something good on.

Bart Simpson

Don't you wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'brightness' but it doesn't work.


There's all this talk about violence on TV causing violence on the street. Well, there's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy on the street?

George Carlin

You have to be pretty special to be able to cheapen TV any further. I can't take credit for that. It's like finding a way of making the sun hotter.

Jerry Springer

If anyone is in the grip of some habit of which they are greatly ashamed, I implore you not to give way to it in secret, but to do it on television.

Quentin Crisp

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Jerry Seinfeld

Television is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you wouldn't have in your home.

David Frost

The other day a woman came up to me and said, 'Didn't I see you on television?' I said, 'don't know. You can't see out the other way.

Emo Philips

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in eight hours of TV a day.

Homer Simpson

Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.

Ann Landers

Television is a weapon of mass distraction.

Larry Gelbart

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