The truth is that our race survived ignorance; it is our scientific genius that will do us in.
The most useful and least expensive household repair tool is the telephone.
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
Modern science was conceived largely as an answer to the servant problem.
If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the Peasants' Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd.
50 per cent of the public don't actually know what the term 50 per cent means.
A newspaper has come out with a new survey. Apparently, three out of four people make up 75 per cent of the population.
There are two kinds of statistics: the kind you look up, and the kind you make up.
Statistics are figures that prove the best time to buy anything was last year.
He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lampposts - for support rather than illumination.
Statistics are like loose women; once you get your hands on them you can do anything you like with them.
When I die, I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
You can't make anything idiot proof because idiots are so ingenious.
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot, but the guy who invented the other three, now he was a genius.
I'm lazy. But it's the lazy people who invented the wheel and the bicycle because they didn't like walking or carrying things.
My father invented the burglar alarm, but it was stolen from him.
It's the greatest thing since they reinvented unsliced bread.
He's a millionaire. He made all his money designing the little diagrams that tell you which way to put batteries in.
If you build a better mousetrap, you will catch better mice.
The telescope is a device having a relation to the eye similar to that of the telephone to the ear, enabling, distant objects to plague us with a multitude of needless details. Luckily, it is unprovided with a bell summoning us to the sacrifice.
My wife insisted on looking through the telescope. She heard a nasty rumour that the star I bought for her birthday imploded.
The last time I came up with an invention, I passed the sketch round the pub and I never got the bit of paper back. Three years later ... Microsoft Word for Windows.
I have a telescope on the peephole of my door so that I can see who's at the door for 200 miles.
I am an expert on electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the State Prison.
I've had all the electric leads in my house shortened to save on electricity.
And God said, 'Let there be light,' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said he would have to wait till Thursday to be connected.
Every great scientific truth goes through three stages. First, people say it conflicts with the Bible. Next, they say it has been discovered before. Lastly, they say they have always believed it.
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
Automatic simply means that you cannot repair it yourself.
The thing with high-tech is that you always end up using scissors.
You can stop almost anything from functioning by hitting it with a large rock.
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three major categories - those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
How do you get that non-stick stuff to stick to frying pans?
It's called a pen. It's like a printer, hooked straight to my brain.
Let's be frank, the Italians' technological contribution to humankind stopped with the pizza oven.
The public is not really concerned with atomic fallout, because so far it has not affected television reception.
It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds die they would stay up there.
Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.
A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.
I tried to imagine the easiest way God could have done it.
A good scientific theory should be explicable to a barmaid.
When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute, and it's longer than any hour. That's relativity.
The greatest unsolved scientific problem is: how can you be sitting on a damp towel for half an hour and not realize it until you stand up?
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
If Darwin's theory of evolution was correct, cats would be able to operate a can-opener by now.
It is more comfortable to believe that we are a slight improvement on a monkey than such a falling off from the angels.
My suspicion is that the universe is not only queerer than we suppose, but queerer than we can suppose.
I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along.
Scientists have enlarged the brains of mice, so you know what that means? Smarter hot dogs.
I can't wait till they start cloning humans. I could have sex with my underage clone.
Dolly the cloned sheep got pregnant in the old-fashioned, conventional way - by a shepherd.
Scientists think they can now clone an all-white zebra. Now, I'm no expert, but isn't that a horse?
Not all chemicals are bad. Without hydrogen or oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
Apparently, the difference between a stink bomb and a Level 3 Toxin Biohazard is two extra drops of sulphur textraoxide. I am totally suing that website.
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
The Smithsonian Museum found my wife's shoe. On the basis of its measurements, they constructed a dinosaur.
Scientists have discovered a noise made just prior to the Big Bang that sounds something like 'oops'.
According to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought, particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
Outer space is no place for a person of breeding.
The Chinese just put a man in space. They didn't use a rocket: they stood on each other's shoulders and passed him up.
Buzz Aldrin, tell me the truth, were you really mad when you were beaten to the moon by Louis Armstrong?
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
Space isn't remote at all. It's only an hour's drive away if your car could go straight upwards.
There is speculation. Then there is wild speculation. Then there is cosmology.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Only two things are infinite - the universe and human stupidity and I'm not sure about the former.
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.
If the universe is expanding, why can't I find a parking space?
I love mathematics. Add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide our legs, and multiply!
Mathematics was always my worst subject. I couldn't convince my teachers that many of my answers were meant ironically.
A man has one hundred dollars and you leave him with two dollars, that's subtraction.
Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.
Few persons invent algebra on their own.
The metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimetre bullet.
I'm not good at math. I've never been good at math. I accepted it from an early age. My teacher would hand me a math test. I'd just write on it, 'I'm going to marry someone who can do this.
- A very small casserole.
I once dated a guy who was so dumb he couldn't count to twenty-one unless he was naked.
That's 24 points for Schumacher and 23 points for Hill, so there's only one point between them if my mental arithmetic is correct.
If those scientists are so smart, why do they all count backwards?
If it squirms, it's biology; if it stinks, it's chemistry; if it doesn't work, it's physics and if you can't understand it, it's mathematics.
Your equation isn't right. It isn't even wrong.
The real goal of physics is to come up with an equation that could explain the universe but still be small enough to fit on a T-shirt.
In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
Quantum mechanics: the dreams stuff is made of.
If a scientist were to cut his ear off, no one would take it as evidence of a heightened sensibility.
Scientists are rarely to be counted among the fun people. Awkward at parties, shy with strangers, deficient in irony - they have no choice but to turn their attention to the close study of everyday objects.
Science is a lot of little guys in tweed suits cutting up frogs on foundation grants.
Oh, there's so much I don't know about astrophysics. I wish I'd read that book by that wheelchair guy.
Okay, so what's the speed of dark?