Funny Quotes About Politics


Best funny quotes about politics

When Ann Widdecombe read out the Ten Commandments at Westminster Cathedral it sounded as though she had written them herself.

Father Michael Seed

Burly and greasy-haired, John Prescott looks rather like one of those plain-talking policemen who, during the late 1970s, were always being photographed on yachting holidays with villains somewhere in the Mediterranean.

Craig Brown

John Prescott has the face of a man who clubs baby seals to death.

Denis Healey

When Gordon Brown leaves a room, the lights go on.

Anon

Peter Mandelson is someone who can skulk in broad daylight.

Simon Hoggart

Tony Blair is only Bill Clinton with his zip done up.

Neil Hamilton

Tony Blair has as much charisma as a pair of dentures grinning in a glass of water.

Trevor Bayliss

- I am not a doctor.

Edward Heath

As God once said, and I think rightly…

Margaret Thatcher

Margaret Thatcher even dresses to the right.

Patrick Murray

Margaret Thatcher is democratic enough to talk down to anyone.

Austin Mitchell

I keep a video of Tony Blair reading Corinthians at Princess Diana's funeral and threaten to show it to anyone who is impressed by Prime Minister's sincerity.

Bob Marshall-Andrews

Margaret Thatcher behaved with all the sensitivity of a sex-starved boa constrictor.

Anonymous MP

If, one morning, I walked over the River Thames, the headline that afternoon would read, 'Prime Minister Can't Swim.

Margaret Thatcher

In politics while there is death, there is hope.

Harold Laski

I don't mind how much my ministers talk, so long as they do what I say.

Margaret Thatcher

When a politician addresses you, all you have to ask yourself is, 'Why is this bastard lying to me?

Claud Cockburn

An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought.

Simon Cameron

I have not met Norman Scott face to face for many years.

Jeremy Thorpe

If you want to be a leader with a large following, just obey the speed limit on a winding, two-lane road.

Charles Barr

I must follow them for I am their leader.

Alexandre Ledru-Rollin

He may be a son of a bitch, but at least he's our son of a bitch.

Franklin Roosevelt

Dictators always look good until the last minutes.

Thomas Masaryk

When smashing monuments, save the pedestals - they always come in handy.

Stanislaw J. Lec

I believe in benevolent dictatorships, provided I am the dictator.

Richard Branson

Margaret Thatcher is the sort of woman who wouldn't give you your ball back.

Mike Harding

He's a sheep in sheep's clothing.

Winston Churchill

Assassination is the extreme form of censorship.

George Bernard Shaw

In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has at last produced a political leader worthy of assassination.

Irving Layton

The ideal form of government is democracy tempered with assassination.

Voltaire

You realize you're no longer in government when you get in the back of your car and it doesn't go anywhere.

Malcolm Rifkind

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people - it wasn't so long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.

Jon Stewart

Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.

H.L. Mencken

The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.

Winston Churchill

Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them.

Marquis de Flers

Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

Laurence J. Peter

All politics are based on the indifference of the majority.

James Reston

The largest turnout at elections is always where there is only one candidate.

Peter Ustinov

Any political party that includes the word 'democratic' in its name, isn't.

Patrick Murray

It's not the voting that's democracy, it's the counting.

Tom Stoppard

One day the don't-knows will get in, and then where will we be?

Spike Milligan

If voting changed anything, they'd abolish it.

Ken Livingstone

Who sleeps with whom is intrinsically more interesting than who votes for whom.

Malcolm Muggeridge

The vote means nothing to women. We should be armed.

Edna O'Brien

The voters have spoken - the bastards.

Richard Nixon

One-fifth of the people are against everything all the time.

Robert Kennedy

They couldn't pour piss out of a shoe if the instructions were written on the heel.

Lyndon B. Johnson

When you say that you agree to a thing in principle you mean that you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.

Otto von Bismarck

Poor George Bush, he can't help it - he was born with a silver foot in his mouth.

Ann Richard

It is not enough to have every intelligent person in the country voting for me - I need a majority.

Adlai Stevenson

I never vote for anybody; I always vote against.

W.C. Fields

Clement Atlee reminds me of a dead fish before it has had time to stiffen.

George Orwell

Clement Atlee is a modest little man with much to be modest about.

Winston Churchill

One could drive a prairie schooner through any part of the arguments of William Jennings Bryan and never scrape against a fact.

David Huston

I like Republicans, and I would trust them with anything in the world except public office.

Adlai Stevenson

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

George Bernard Shaw

That one never asks a question unless one knows the answer is basic to parliamentary questioning.

John Diefenbaker

Sometimes I look at Billy and Jimmy and I say to myself 'Lilian, you should have stayed a virgin.

Lilian Carter

George Bush reminds every woman of her first husband.

Jane O'Reilly

Gerald Ford is so dumb he can't fart and chew gum at the same time.

Lyndon B. Johnson

If you walk like a duck, and you quack like a duck, and you say you're a duck, you're a duck.

George Bush Sr

A politician will double-cross that bridge when he comes to it.

Oscar Levant

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

Ronald Reagan

A politician will always be there when he needs you.

Ian Walsh

Rhodes Boyson looks like a character out of an unpublished novel by Charles Dickens.

Anon

The senator got so tired on the campaign trail that he started kissing hands and shaking babies.

David Letterman

Let him join our campaign. I'd rather have him inside our tent pissing out than outside our tent pissing in.

Lyndon B. Johnson

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

Mark Twain

A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment.

Willis Player

A liberal is a man too broad-minded to take his own side in a quarrel.

Robert Frost

How the hell would I know why there are Nazis? I don't even know how a can opener works.

Woody Allen

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even when there is no river.

Nikita Kruschev

Nixon could tell two separate lies out of different corners of his mouth at the same time.

Anon

Nixon's motto is, if two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

Laurence J. Peter

I would have made a good Pope.

Richard Nixon

Richard Nixon is the kind of politician who would cut down a redwood tree, and then mount the stump and make a speech on conservation.

Adlai Stevenson

There cannot be a world crisis next week, my schedule is full.

Henry Kissinger

The duty of an opposition is very simple: to oppose everything, and propose nothing.

Lord Derby

Today, the LA Timesaccuse Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling you, this guy is presidential material.

David Letterman

The only reason I'm not running for President is that I'm afraid no woman will come forward and say she's slept with me.

Garry Shandling

Clinton's problem was that he misunderstood the role of the President, which is to screw the country as a whole, not individually.

Betsy Salkind

Did you sleep with Bill Clinton? No, neither did I. Small world, isn't it?

Marty Allen

The biggest mistake Bill Clinton made was not getting Teddy Kennedy to drive Monica Lewinsky home.

Denis Leary

My husband is a hard dog to keep on the porch.

Hillary Rodham Clinton

Bill Clinton's foreign policy stemmed mainly from having breakfast at the International House of Pancakes.

Pat Buchanan

There's nothing so improves the mood of the party as the imminent execution of a senior colleague.

Alan Clark

The forest fires are the worst disaster in California since I was elected.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

He handles political crises with all the confidence of a man dialling his own telephone number.

John Bell

I always have one golden rule for such occasions - I ask myself what Nanny would have expected me to do.

Lord Carrington

Bill Clinton gets so much in speaking fees these days that when I saw him in New York the other day and said hello to him he said, 'That'll be $10.

Bob Dole

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. They would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

Bernard Ingham

It will be a clash between the political will and the administrative won't.

Jonathan Lynn

Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs or cutting hair.

George Burns

The Vice-President is a man who sits in the outer office of the White Office, hoping to hear the President sneeze.

H.L. Mencken

The Vice-Presidency is sort of like the last cookie on the plate. Everybody insists he won't take it, but somebody always does.

Bill Vaughan

The Vice-Presidency ain't worth a pitcher of warm spit.

John Nance Garner

Republicans don't understand the importance of bondage between a mother and daughter.

Dan Quayle

The government solution to any problem is usually at least as bad as the problem.

Milton Friedman

If a tree fell in a forest, and no one was there to hear it, it might sound like Dan Quayle looks.

Tom Shales

Dan Quayle taught the kids a valuable lesson: if you don't study you could wind up as Vice-President.

Jay Leno

A fascist is anyone who disagrees with you.

John Koski

Am I the only one to think that John F. Kennedy was killed by a peanut allergy?

Harry Hill

I discovered that being a president is like riding a tiger. A man has to keep on riding or be swallowed.

Harry S. Truman

We've never had a president named Bob. I think it's about time we had one.

Bob Dole

Being President is like running a cemetery: you've got a lot of people under you and nobody's listening.

Bill Clinton

If Presidents don't do it to their wives, they do it to the country.

Mel Brooks

Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.

Douglas Adams

Politics has become so expensive that it takes a million dollars even to be defeated.

Will Rogers

When I was a boy, I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it.

Clarence Darrow

In America any boy may become President and I suppose it's just one of the risks he takes.

Adlai Stevenson

The US presidency is a Tudor monarchy plus telephones.

Anthony Burgess

He's going around the country stirring up apathy.

William Whitelaw

If you would know the depth and meanness of human nature, you have got to be a prime minister running a general election.

John A. MacDonald

Working in Westminster is like having the nutters on the bus beside you every day.

Amanda Platell

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

P.J. O'Rourke

If I saw Mr Haughey buried at midnight at a crossroads, with a stake driven through his heart - politically speaking - I should continue to wear a clove of garlic round my neck, just in case.

Conor Cruise O'Brien

Prime ministers are wedded to the truth, but like other married couples they sometimes live apart.

Saki

Governments are like underwear. They need to be changed often and for the same reason.

Italian proverb

Minorities are almost always in the right.

Sydney Smith

Ninety per cent of politicians give the other ten per cent a bad reputation.

Henry Kissinger

It's easy to be politically correct and a liberal when you live in a gated community.

Bobcat Goldthwait

No one grows up wanting to be a junkie, eating Utterly Butterly or listening to Phil Collins but capitalism wears you down.

Jeremy Hardy

You can't get good Chinese takeout in China, and Cuban cigars are rationed in Cuba. That's all you need to know about communism.

P.J. O'Rourke

I am a Marxist - of the Groucho tendency.

Anon

She said, 'What do you think of Marx?' I said, 'I think their pants have dropped off but you can't fault their broccoli.

Victoria Wood

There is nothing in socialism that a little age or a little money will not cure.

Will Durant

We started off trying to set up a small anarchist community, but people wouldn't obey the rules.

Alan Bennett

Politicians are interested in people in the same way that dogs are interested in fleas.

P.J. O'Rourke

The public say they are getting cynical about politicians. They should hear how politicians talk about them.

George Walden

I don't object to Gladstone always having the ace of trumps up his sleeve, but merely to his belief that God Almighty put it there.

Henry Labouchere

Tories are not always wrong, but they are always wrong at the right moment.

Violet Bonham Carter

If there is anything a public servant hates to do it's doing something for the public.

Kin Hubbard

Jeffrey Archer, is there no beginning to your talents?

Clive Anderson

The Lord Privy Seal is neither a lord, nor a privy, nor a seal.

S.D. Bailey

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's precisely the opposite.

J.K. Galbraith

Being criticized by Geoffrey Howe is like being savaged by a dead sheep.

Denis Healey

The cardinal rule of politics: never get caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy.

Edwin W. Edwards

If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

Jay Leno

A fool and his money are soon elected.

Will Rogers

University politics make me long for the simplicity of the Middle East.

Henry Kissinger

Gerald Ford looks like the guy in a science-fiction movie who is first to see the Creature.

David Frye

I never did give anybody hell. I just told the truth and they thought it was hell.

Harry S. Truman

Three people marooned on a desert island would soon reinvent politics.

Mason Cooley

When there is a great cry that something should be done, you can depend on it that something remarkable silly probably will be done.

Tony Benn

Political skill is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen.

Winston Churchill

There ought to be one day, just one, when there is open season on senators.

Will Rogers

If you want to rise in politics in the United States there is one subject you must stay away from, and that is politics.

Gore Vidal

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

George W. Bush

The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.

H.L. Mencken

George W. Bush went into a think tank this week and almost drowned.

Jay Leno

the word as 'electrocution' and knew that was something he liked.

Jeremy Hardy

You can't have it both ways. You can't take the high horse and then claim the low road.

George W. Bush

I think the voters misunderestimate me.

George W. Bush

Bush says he's being stalked. He says wherever he goes, people are following him. Finally someone told him, 'Psst. That's the Secret Service.

Jay Leno

George W. Bush has taken a urine test. But beforehand he wrote the answers on his hand.

Conan O'Brien

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some jokes just write themselves.

David Letterman

I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.

Will Rogers

I have orders to be awakened at any time in case of a national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Ronald Reagan

Government is to life what pantyhose are to sex.

P.J. O'Rourke

Politics is so corrupt, even the dishonest people get screwed.

George Carlin

Mr Speaker, I withdraw my statement that half the cabinet are asses - half the cabinet are not asses.

Benjamin Disraeli

Generally speaking, politicians are generally speaking.

John Sergeant

A politician never believes anything he says, so he is always amazed when other people do.

Charles de Gaulle

I did not become a politician because I could not stand the strain of having to be right all the time.

Peter Ustinov

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, order more tunnel.

John Quinton

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.

Texas Guinan

I'm a political activist. I support lots of causes. I don't wear leather. I don't wear Nike trainers. I boycott Nestle - apart from KitKats, obviously.

Bunk Bed Boy

Politics ain't worrying this country one-tenth as much as where to find a parking space.

Will Rogers

Politics are almost as exciting as war and quite as dangerous. In war, you can only be killed once, but in politics - many times.

Winston Churchill

The reason there are so few female politicians is that it is too much trouble to put make-up on two faces.

Maureen Murphy

I've decided to take up a life of crime, but I can't decide which political party to join.

Roy Chubby Brown

Politics is the systematic organization of hatred.

Henry Adams

Politics is derived from two words - poly, meaning many, and tics, meaning small blood-sucking insects.

Chris Clayton

Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's important.

Eugene McCarthy

The only difference between the Republican and Democratic parties is the velocity with which their knees hit the floor when corporations knock on their door.

Ralph Nader

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it wrongly and applying unsuitable remedies.

Groucho Marx

Politics is just like show business, you have a hell of an opening, coast for a while, and then have a hell of a close.

Ronald Reagan

Politics is Hollywood for ugly people.

Jay Leno

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