Funny Quotes About Men

All women like to have a rant about men from time to time – and vice versa. This is the page to visit if the loo seat’s been left up again or an anniversary has been forgotten. Famous names share their funny quotes about men and they definitely don’t hold back: from the sarcastic to the scathing, you can share your frustrations with the likes of Rita Rudner, Jo Brand and Margaret Thatcher.

Where would men be today if it weren’t for women? In the Garden of Eden eating watermelon and taking it easy.

C. Kennedy

Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.

Nicole Hollander

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she assumes she has gained weight. When a man tires on clothing from his closet that feels tight, he assumes the clothing has shrunk.

Rita Rudner

Men are like car alarms - they both make a lot of noise no one listens to.

Diane Jordan

Men do cry, but only when assembling furniture.

Rita Rudner

Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, ‘Are we going to have sex again?’ He said, ‘Yes, but not with each other.’

Rita Rudner

Man talk to women so they can sleep with them, and women sleep with men so they can talk to theme.

Jay McInerney

The difference between a man and battery is that a battery has a positive side.

Jo Brand

There are three types of men in the world. One type learns from books. One type learns from observations. And one type just has to urinate on the electric fence himself.

Carl Barney

God gave men both penis and brain, but only enough blood supply to run one at a time.

Robin Williams

One of the things that being in politics has taught me is that men are not a reasoned or a reasonable sex.

Margaret Thatcher

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ’em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.

Betsy Salkind

Deep down inside, men are biological creatures, like jellyfish or trees, only less likely to clean the bathroom.

Dave Barry

A man is two people, himself and his cock. A man always takes his friend to the party. Of the two, the friend is the nicer, being more able to show his feelings.

Beryl Bainbridge

Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands.

Jayne Mansfield

The useless piece of flesh at the end of a penis is called a man

Jo Brand

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

Tim Allen

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