Funny Quotes About Insults

Best funny quotes about insults

I want loyalty. I want you to kiss my ass in Macy's window at high noon and tell me it smells like roses. I want your pecker in my pocket.

Lyndon B. Johnson

You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.

Groucho Marx

How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

Stephen Fry

-So has syphilis. Now get out!

Blackadder and Baldrick, Blackadder II

Go, and never darken my towels again!

Groucho Marx

I've had a wonderful evening - but this wasn't it.

Groucho Marx

My piles bleed for you.

Herbert Beerbohm Tree

I wouldn't piss down your throat if your heart was on fire.

James Carville

Would thou wert clean enough to spit upon.

William Shakespeare

I even hate the way you lick stamps.

Danny de Vito

I've had ear infections I'm fonder of.

Luke Meyer

Don't torture yourself. That's my job.

Morticia Addams, The Addams Family

I worship the ground he's buried in.

Harry Cohn

And I hope your mother dies in a freak yachting accident.

Captain Blackadder to Captain Darling, Blackadder Goes Forth

Goodbye, and don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't.

Bugs Bunny

I will make you shorter by a head.

Queen Elizabeth I

When they circumcised you, they threw away the wrong bit.

David Lloyd George

If I found you floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.

Joan Rivers

May you dig up your father by moonlight and make a soup out of his bones.


May your left ear wither and fall into your right pocket.


May your piles hang like a bunch of grapes.


May you live in interesting times.


I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smells of elderberries.

Monty Python

I'll ruin you! You'll never waitress in Torquay again!

Basil FawIty

Go take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut.

Kelvin MacKenzie

My last assistant left because I called her a cunt. Would that be a problem for you?

Dawn Steel

When you said you went to university, presumably it was to be studied by others.

Anne Robinson

But not in those exact words.

Woody Allen

If you're going out of your mind, I suggest you pack light. It's a short trip.

Anne Robinson

May all your teeth fall out but one - to get toothaches.


May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.


A hundred thousand sperm, and you were the fastest?

Jim Hightower

When you go to a mind-reader, do you get half price?

David Letterman

If your IQ was any lower, we'd have to water you.

Anne Robinson

You have a brain like Einstein's - dead since 1955.

Gene Perret

I would rather eat my own scrotum.

David Horton, The Vicar of Dibley

I shan't be taking my wife with me to Paris. You don't take a sausage roll to a banquet.

Winston Churchill

I described you in terms which were positively glowing, which is exactly how I'd like to see you in hell.

Lilith Sternin, Frasier

If you give us any more trouble I shall visit you in the small hours and put a bat up your nightdress.

Basil Fawlty

I decided that the worst thing you can call Paul Keating, quite frankly, is Paul Keating.

John Hewson

It's probably the worst idea since Hitler's dad said to Hitler's mum, me upstairs, Briinnhilde, I'm feeling saucy tonight.

Hugo Horton, The Vicar of Dibley

When he said we were trying to make a fool of him, I could only murmur that the Creator had beat us to it.

Ilka Chase

Who is one cell short of an amoeba?

Anne Robinson

Unless you're served in a frosted glass, never come within four feet of my lips.

Karen Walker, Will and Grace

The answer is in the plural and they bounce.

Edwin Lutyens

What's on your mind - if you'll forgive the overstatement?

Fred Allen

I treasure every moment that I do not see her.

Oscar Levant

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.


He hasn't been himself lately, so let's hope he stays that way.

Irvin S. Cobb

buy a piece of the rope for a keepsake.

Mark Twain

He's not unlike Hitler, but without the charm.

Gore Vidal

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