Funny Quotes About Home

Best funny quotes about home

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

Steven Wright

If it wasn't for Venetian blinds, it would be curtains for all of us.

Eric Morecambe

In painting a ceiling, a good rule of thumb is that there should be at least as much paint on the ceiling as on your hair.

P.J. O'Rourke

It takes only four men to wallpaper a house, but you have to slice them thinly.

Jo Brand

The house was full of dry rot. The only reason the building still stood was that the woodworm obligingly held hands.

Daphne Du Maurier

The most popular labour-saving device today is still money.

Joey Adams

You can tell a man isn't handy when he asks the man next door how to get blood off a saw.

Milton Berle

My husband and I save pounds each year on household wear and tear by living in a tent in our garden.

Ivy Stokes

I used to live in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

Steven Wright

It was a swell house, with all the modern inconveniences.

Mark Twain

How often does the house need to be cleaned anyway? Just once every girlfriend. After that she can get to know the real you.

P.J. O'Rourke

If your children write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

Phyllis Diller

There's no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years, the dust doesn't get any worse.

Quentin Crisp

The only thing I've ever been able to figure out about stove cleaning is to move house every couple of years.

P.J. O'Rourke

A man with a vacuum cleaner just has to discover exactly what the machine will suck up. Full ashtrays are fun. A gentleman of my acquaintance burned the guts out of three consecutive vacuum cleaners by cleaning out the grate with them. All the same, when vacuuming, one should resist the goldfish bowl.

Joe Bennett

I will clean the house when Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.


A guy gets married and the morning after his wedding night, goes into the bathroom and finds a dead horse in the bathtub. He runs out and says, 'Darling, there's a dead horse in the bathtub.' And his wife replies, 'Well, I never said I was neat.

Walter Matthau

I would like to marry a nice, domesticated homosexual guy who has a fetish for wiping down Formica and different vacuum-cleaner attachments.

Jenny Éclair

Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else. This is not a piece of advice, it is merely a custom.

Mark Twain

She's not organized. She's insane. She's got a shoebox labelled, 'Pieces of Strings Too Small to Use.

Frank Barone, Everybody Loves Raymond

She's incredibly organized. She folds her underwear like an origami.

Linda Barnes

My mother wrapped the living room furniture in plastic. We practised safe sitting in our household.

Adam Ferrara

Cleanliness is next to impossible.

Audrey Austin

Blood is thicker than water and much more difficult to get out of the carpet.

Woody Allen

Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum. 'My God, the floor's immaculate. Lie down, you hot bitch.

Joan Rivers

I would rather lie on a sofa than sweep beneath it.

Shirley Conran

As far as I know, a single man has never vacuumed behind a couch.

Rita Rudner

Don't spend two dollars to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They will clean it and put it on a hanger.Then you can buy it back for seventy-five cents.

Billiam Coronel

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

Phyllis Diller

My second favourite household chore is ironing, my first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

Erma Bombeck

I'm eighteen years behind on my ironing. There's no use doing it now it doesn't fit anyone I know.

Phyllis Diller

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

Ron Schmidt

You know it's time to do the Iaundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

Zach Galifianakis

My mother from time to time puts on her wedding dress. Not because she's sentimental. She just gets really far behind with her laundry.

Brian Kiley

Have you ever taken anything out of the laundry basket because it has become, relatively, the cleaner thing?

Kathanne Whitehorn

Three roommates, and still nobody washes a dish in my apartment. Last week I was thirsty and I had to get out my Yahtzee game for a clean cup.

Dobie Maxwell

I do clean up sometimes. If I'm expecting company, I'll wipe the lipstick off the milk container.

Elayne Boosler

Housework can kill you if done right.

Erma Bombeck

Cleaning your house while the kids are still growing is like shovelling the walk before It stops snowing.

Phyllis Diller

The way I figure it, when my husband comes home from work, if the kids are still alive, I've done my job.


I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again.

Joan Rivers

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door, greet them with 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies.

Phyllis Diller

Excuse the mess, but we live here.


Housework is what a woman does that nobody notices unless she hasn't done it.

Evan Esar

Love your neighbour, but don't pull down your hedge.

Benjamin Franklin

The walls of my apartment are so thin that when my neighbours have sex, I have an orgasm.

Linda Herskovic

The bible tells us to love our neighbours, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.

G.K. Chesterton

I went to the store and bought some blank CDs. When I got home, I put one in my CD player and turned it up full blast. I was walking around my house, when I heard a knock at my door. It was my neighbour complaining about the noise. He's mine.

Steven Wright

A neighbour is someone who has just run out of something.

Robert Benchley

There are two things we can all live without - haemorrhoids and neighbours.

Spike Milligan

I'm a wonderful housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

I woke up the other morning and found that everything in my room had been replaced by an exact replica.

Steven Wright

An attic is where you store all the junk you'd throw away if you didn't have one.

Herbert Prochnow

I know the room looks small. That's the heavy wallpaper.

Rigsby, Rising Damp

Joe Beamish was knitting a sock in the tiny living-room which smelled in equal proportions of mice, ex-burglars and shag tobacco.

P.G. Wodehouse

Our terraced house was so small the mice walked about on their back legs.

Les Dawson

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

Steven Wright

The person who owns their own home is always just coming out of a hardware store.

Kin Hubbard

A friend of mine bought a castle in Scotland. When his daughter had a birthday part, he hired a bouncy council estate.

Harry Hill

Does that screwdriver really belong to Philip?

George Carlin

I'm being show around this house and the realtor says, 'It's got a great view.' And I'm thinking, for the money they're asking, I'd better open the curtains and see breasts against the window.

Garry Shandling

There comes a time in every man's life when he needs his own toilet.

Patrick Suskind

All I need is room enough to lay my hat and a few friends.

Dorothy Parker

What's with people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking: 'Gosh, if we have a party, there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toiled too.

Jerry Seinfeld

Home is the place where you can scratch any place you itch.

David Brenner

Home is where the mortgage is.

Billy Connolly

Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they take you in.

Robert Frost

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