I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
If it wasn't for Venetian blinds, it would be curtains for all of us.
In painting a ceiling, a good rule of thumb is that there should be at least as much paint on the ceiling as on your hair.
It takes only four men to wallpaper a house, but you have to slice them thinly.
The house was full of dry rot. The only reason the building still stood was that the woodworm obligingly held hands.
The most popular labour-saving device today is still money.
You can tell a man isn't handy when he asks the man next door how to get blood off a saw.
My husband and I save pounds each year on household wear and tear by living in a tent in our garden.
I used to live in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
It was a swell house, with all the modern inconveniences.
How often does the house need to be cleaned anyway? Just once every girlfriend. After that she can get to know the real you.
If your children write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
There's no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years, the dust doesn't get any worse.
The only thing I've ever been able to figure out about stove cleaning is to move house every couple of years.
A man with a vacuum cleaner just has to discover exactly what the machine will suck up. Full ashtrays are fun. A gentleman of my acquaintance burned the guts out of three consecutive vacuum cleaners by cleaning out the grate with them. All the same, when vacuuming, one should resist the goldfish bowl.
I will clean the house when Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.
A guy gets married and the morning after his wedding night, goes into the bathroom and finds a dead horse in the bathtub. He runs out and says, 'Darling, there's a dead horse in the bathtub.' And his wife replies, 'Well, I never said I was neat.
I would like to marry a nice, domesticated homosexual guy who has a fetish for wiping down Formica and different vacuum-cleaner attachments.
Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else. This is not a piece of advice, it is merely a custom.
She's not organized. She's insane. She's got a shoebox labelled, 'Pieces of Strings Too Small to Use.
She's incredibly organized. She folds her underwear like an origami.
My mother wrapped the living room furniture in plastic. We practised safe sitting in our household.
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
Blood is thicker than water and much more difficult to get out of the carpet.
Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum. 'My God, the floor's immaculate. Lie down, you hot bitch.
I would rather lie on a sofa than sweep beneath it.
As far as I know, a single man has never vacuumed behind a couch.
Don't spend two dollars to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They will clean it and put it on a hanger.Then you can buy it back for seventy-five cents.
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
My second favourite household chore is ironing, my first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
I'm eighteen years behind on my ironing. There's no use doing it now it doesn't fit anyone I know.
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
You know it's time to do the Iaundry when you dry off with a sneaker.
My mother from time to time puts on her wedding dress. Not because she's sentimental. She just gets really far behind with her laundry.
Have you ever taken anything out of the laundry basket because it has become, relatively, the cleaner thing?
Three roommates, and still nobody washes a dish in my apartment. Last week I was thirsty and I had to get out my Yahtzee game for a clean cup.
I do clean up sometimes. If I'm expecting company, I'll wipe the lipstick off the milk container.
Housework can kill you if done right.
Cleaning your house while the kids are still growing is like shovelling the walk before It stops snowing.
The way I figure it, when my husband comes home from work, if the kids are still alive, I've done my job.
I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again.
If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door, greet them with 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies.
Excuse the mess, but we live here.
Housework is what a woman does that nobody notices unless she hasn't done it.
Love your neighbour, but don't pull down your hedge.
The walls of my apartment are so thin that when my neighbours have sex, I have an orgasm.
The bible tells us to love our neighbours, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.
I went to the store and bought some blank CDs. When I got home, I put one in my CD player and turned it up full blast. I was walking around my house, when I heard a knock at my door. It was my neighbour complaining about the noise. He's mine.
A neighbour is someone who has just run out of something.
There are two things we can all live without - haemorrhoids and neighbours.
I'm a wonderful housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
I woke up the other morning and found that everything in my room had been replaced by an exact replica.
An attic is where you store all the junk you'd throw away if you didn't have one.
I know the room looks small. That's the heavy wallpaper.
Joe Beamish was knitting a sock in the tiny living-room which smelled in equal proportions of mice, ex-burglars and shag tobacco.
Our terraced house was so small the mice walked about on their back legs.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
The person who owns their own home is always just coming out of a hardware store.
A friend of mine bought a castle in Scotland. When his daughter had a birthday part, he hired a bouncy council estate.
Does that screwdriver really belong to Philip?
I'm being show around this house and the realtor says, 'It's got a great view.' And I'm thinking, for the money they're asking, I'd better open the curtains and see breasts against the window.
There comes a time in every man's life when he needs his own toilet.
All I need is room enough to lay my hat and a few friends.
What's with people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking: 'Gosh, if we have a party, there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toiled too.
Home is the place where you can scratch any place you itch.
Home is where the mortgage is.
Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they take you in.