I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
My wife and I are getting remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.
Divorce? Never. Murder? Often!
I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.
Divorce is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left.
My wife got the house, the car, the bank account, and if I marry again and have children, she gets them too.
Marriage is but for a little while. It is alimony that is for ever.
A lawyer is never entirely comfortable with a friendly divorce, any more than a good mortician wants to finish his job and then have the patient sit up on the slab.
Conrad Hilton was very generous to me in the divorce settlement. He gave me 5,000 Gideon Bibles.
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
I come from a wealthy divorced family. My mom's wealthy. My dad's divorced.
When you live by yourself again, it's like, as if by magic, all your annoying habits are gone.
Alimony is the screwing you get for the screwing you got.
The happiest time of anyone's life is just after the first divorce.
I know what 'custody of the children' means. It means 'get even'.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.
Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
Saddam Hussein went from living in a palace to a one-bedroom hovel with next to no possessions. Where I come from, we call that divorce.
When I got divorced, I went through the various stages of grieving - anger, denial, and dancing around my settlement cheque.
Being a divorcee in a small town is a little like playing Monopoly; eventually you land on all the properties.
Why do Hollywood divorces cost so much? Because they're worth it.
If you made a list of the reasons why any couple got married, and another list of the reasons for their divorce, you'd have a hell of a lot of overlapping.
I never speak about my ex-husbands except under hypnosis.
Roseanne went on Saturday Night Liveand said I had a 3-inch penis. Well, even a 747 looks small if it's landing in the Grand Canyon.
I'm not upset about my divorce. I'm only upset I'm not a widow.
I still miss my ex, but my aim is improving.
Honey, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.
It's tough. After five years of marriage, it's difficult to lose the one with the good credit rating.
Divorce can be seen as the legal alternative to murder.
Divorce is the sacrament of adultery.
My wife and I pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.
It was a very messy divorce because there was a baby involved. Him.
I never even believed in divorce until after I got married.
Divorce comes from the Latin word divorcerummeaning 'to have your genitals torn out through your wallet'.
When I won the golf challenge in South Africa, I asked my wife if she'd like a designer dress or diamonds as a present, but she said, 'No, I want a divorce.' I said I wasn't planning on spending that much.