Funny Quotes About Death


Best funny quotes about death

The trouble with quotes about death is that 99.99 percent of them are made by people who are still alive.

Joshua Burns

Do you wish to be remembered? Leave a lot of debts.

Elbert Hubbard

I'll always remember the last words of my grandfather, 'A truck!'

Emo Philips

-What's it feel like to be dead for 200 years? -Like spending weekend in Beverly Hills.

Woody Allen

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Woody Allen

For Catholics, death is a promotion.

Bob Fosse

Never say you know a person until you have divided an inheritance with them.

Johann Lavater

Once you're dead, you're made for life.

Jimi Hendrix

You live and learn. Then you die and forget it all.

No?l Coward

Only the young die good.

Oliver Herford

You will find my last words in the blue folder on my desk.

Max Beerbohm

Drown in a vat of liquor? Death where is thy sting?

W.C. Fields

When I die, I want to decompose in a barrel of porter and have it served in all the pubs in Dublin.

J.P. Donleavy

Elvis Presley has died. Good career move.

Music industry executive

I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.

Francois Rabelais

In this world, nothing is certain, except death and taxes.

Benjamin Franklin

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls tapper off.

Johnny Carson

-When we die, certain things keep growing - fingernails, toenails, the hair on your head, the hair on your chest. -Not the hair on my chest! -My dear, you give up hope too easily.

Lawrence Olivier and Edith Evans

I don't mind dying. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Spike Milligan

I bequeath my entire estate to my wife on condition that she marries again. That will ensure there will be at least one man who will regret my death.

Heinrich Heine

Life is a great surprise; I do not see why death should not be an even greater one.

Vladimir Nabokov

Razors pain you; rivers are damp; acids stain you; and drugs cause cramp. Guns aren't lawful; nooses give; gas smells awful; you might as well live.

Dorothy Parka

Soap-on-a-rope - for those times you're in the shower, and want to hang yourself.

Jerry Seinfeld

Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.

Anon

Guns are always the best method for private suicide. Drugs are too chancy. You might miscalculate the dosage and just wind up having a good time.

P.J. O'Rourke

How would I kill myself? With kindness.

George S. Kaufman

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

Steven Wright

Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me. I quit.'

Bill Maher

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

Woody Allen

-I predict that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease. -That all depends upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.

William Gladstone and Benjamin Disraeli

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered in hundreds and thousands. Police say he topped himself.

Tommy Cooper

I contemplated suicide again - this time by inhaling next to an insurance salesman.

Woody Allen

I don't mind dying. Trouble is, you feel so bloody stiff the next day.

George Axelrod

Self-decapitation is an extremely difficult, not to say dangerous thing to attempt.

W.S. Gilbert

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Woody Allen

The first sign of his approaching end was when one of my old aunts, when undressing him, removed a toe with one of his socks.

Graham Greene

Reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.

Mark Twain

-My uncle fell through a trap door and broke his neck. -Was he building a house? -No, they were hanging him.

Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my father, not screaming in terror like his passengers.

Bob Monkhouse

Suppose he hadn't been dressed as a peanut. Would his death still be funny?

Mary Slaughter, Rhoda

I want to die with a smile on my face. Hopefully it won't be mine.

Matt Vance

When the Earl of Sandwich died they buried him in between two other guys.

David Corrado

No man goes before his time. Unless the boss leaves early.

Bob Hope

A natural death is where you die without the aid of a doctor.

Mark Twain

My uncle was a circus clown, and when he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

Steven Wright

My cousin died. He was stung by a wasp - the natural enemy of the tightrope walker.

Emo Philips

My auntie used to say, 'What you can't see can't hurt you.' She died of radiation poisoning a few months back.

Harry Hill

In case my life should end with cannibals, I hope they will write on my tombstone: 'We have eaten Dr Schweitzer. He was good to the end.'

Albert Schweitzer

The man who invented the hokey-cokey has died. His funeral was a strange affair. First, they put his left leg in...

Al Ferrera

How did Captain Hook die? He wiped with the wrong hand.

Tommy Sledge

When I die, I want it to be on my 100th birthday, in my beach house on Maui, and I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.

Roz Doyle, Frasier

Drug kingpin, Amado Carrillo Fuentes, has died from nine hours of liposuction and plastic surgery or, as it's known in Beverly Hills, natural causes.

Bill Maher

It was confusion of ideas between him and one of the lions he was hunting in Kenya that had caused A.B. Spottsworth to make the obituary column. He thought the lion was dead, and the lion thought it wasn't.

P.G. Wodehouse

My brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then he joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

Henny Youngman

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

Sam Levenson

The inventor of Crest passed away. Four out of five dentists came to the funeral.

Jay Leno

Our gardener passed away. He had a heart attack when he was out trimming the elaborate hedge maze. The paramedics never stood a chance.

Niles Crane, Frasier

If I die before my cat, I want some of my ashes put in his food so I can live on inside him.

Drew Barrymore

I'm terrified of dying in a plane crash. I hate the thought that peanuts would be my last meal.

Tanya Luckerath

Death is very sophisticated. It's like a Noel Coward comedy. You light a cigarette and wait for it in the library

Theadora Van Runkle

The French duke, while on the tumbrel, was seen to be reading a book. Arriving at the steps of the guillotine, he turned down the corner of his text, and took the steps to the Great Library in the Sky.

George Steiner

I went into the undertaker's, lay out across the counter and shouted, `Shop!'

Spike Milligan

There are worse things in life than death. Think of death as cutting down on your expenses.

Woody Allen

In the past year, over 800,000 million people have died. Despite millions of dollars of research, death continues to be our nation's number one killer.

Henry Gibson

What do I dislike about death? Probably the hours.

Woody Allen

Death is like the rumble of distant thunder at a picnic.

W.H. Auden

I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, 'There goes the neighbourhood!'

Rodney Dangerfield

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

J.J. Furnas

Death: to stop sinning suddenly.

Elbert Hubbard

What's death like? It's as bad as the chicken at Tresky's Restaurant.

Woody Allen

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

Groucho Marx

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