Funny Quotes About Dating

Best funny quotes about dating

The day he moved out was terrible - that evening she went through hell. His absence wasn't a problem but the corkscrew had gone as well.

Wendy Cope

Only time can heal a broken heart, just as only time can heal his broken arm and legs.

Miss Piggy

Sensitive break-up letters are my specialty: Dear baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you. P.S. I'm gay.

Homer Simpson

You can always tell when the relationship is over. Little things start grating on your nerves. 'Would you please stop that! That breathing in and out, it's so repetitious.

Ellen DeGeneres

When it's over, it's over. And I should know. I would get into bed and she would mentally dress me.

Richard Lewis

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, great. If they don't they're probably having dinner with someone more attractive than you.

Bill Greiser

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they're probably broke.

Rhoda Dickson

I waited for the phone to ring, and when at last it didn't, I knew it was you.

Karen Muir

If he hadn't called you in about three weeks and you have no idea where he is, the chances are he's not in an emergency room moaning your name.

Diane Conway

When someone asks, 'Why do you think he's not calling me?' there's always one answer - 'He's not interested.' There's not over any other answer.

Fran Lebowitz

Get your tongue out of my moth, I'm kissing you goodbye.

Cynthia Heimel

This guy dumped me because he said I have low self-esteem. I said, 'No kidding. I slept with you didn't I?

Tracey Macdonald

If you leave me, can I come too?


Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can't do it in one push. You have to rock it back and forth a few times until it goes over.

Jerry Seinfeld

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

Rita Rudner

_What do you say when you break up with a woman? _I usually say, 'I'll call you tomorrow.

Rebecca Howe and Sam Malone, Cheers

Take me or leave me. Or as most people do - both.

Dorothy Parker

One a woman has given her heart you can never get rid of the rest of her.

John Vanbrugh

_I saw her giving me the once over. _Yes, she looked once and it was all over.

Frasier Crane and Roz Doyle, Frasier

I'm still going on bad dates when by now I should be in a bad marriage.

Laura Kightlinger

If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead yet?


I'm single by choice. Not my choice.

Orny Adams

I'd be equally as willing for a dentist to be drilling than to ever let a woman in my life.

Henry Higgins, My Fair Lady

I broke up with my girlfriend. She moved in with another guy, and I draw the line at that.

Garry Shandling

If you never want to see a man again say, 'I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have your children.' Sometimes the leave skid marks.

Rita Rudner

I was dating this girl for two years, and then the nagging starts, 'I wanna know your name.

Mike Binder

I don't use the word 'relationship'. Unless you're screwing your cousin, that's a 'relationship'.

Lewis Grizzard

_What do you do when the romance start to go out of a relationship? _I get dressed and go home.

Frasier Crane,Roz Doyle, Frasier

To Keep a man you must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom. I hire the other two and take care of the bedroom bit myself.

Jerry Hall

The fastest way to a man's heart is through his chest.


I don't know what went wrong between me and my girlfriend - or Tubby as I called her.

Stewart France

Most beautiful but dump girls think they are smart and get away with it, because other people, on the whole, aren't much smarter.

Louise Brooks

Brains are never a handicap to a girl if she hides them under a see-through blouse.

Bobby Vinton

Boys don't make passes at female smart-asses.

Letty Cottin Pogrebin

A woman who has a head full of Greek or carries on fundamental controversies about mechanics, might as well have a beard.

Immanuel Kant

No man ever stuck his hand up your dress looking for a library ticket.

Joan Rivers

I think … therefore I'm single.

Liz Winston

A woman, especially if she has the misfortune of knowing anything should conceal it as well as she can.

Jane Austen

The only place men want depth in a woman is in her décolletage.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

Two out of five Irish women prefer alcohol to sex and it's just my luck to have gone out with both of them.

Joseph O'Connor

Every man I meet want to protect me. I can't figure out from what.

Mae West

I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was fun until we ran out of quarters.

Susie Louks

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

Wendy Liebman

My girlfriend told me she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

Emo Philips

Don't think of him as a date, think of him as a dinner.

Lucille Ball

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform and old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancée.

W.C. Fields

When I finally met Mr right, I had no idea his first name was 'Always'.

Rita Rudner

Young man, if she asks if you like her hair that way, beware; the woman has already committed matrimony in her heart.

Don Marquis

I am going to cancel my date and spend the evening eating doughnuts in a cardigan with egg on it.

Helen Fielding

When I'm not in a relationship, I shave one leg. That way, when I sleep, it feels like I'm with a woman.

Garry Shandling

I can't get a relationship to last longer than it takes to copy their CDs.

Margaret Smith

I'm a one-man woman. One man at a time.

Mae West

Another one of your 'till dawn do us part' relationships?

Frasier Crane, Frasier

I took up a collection for a man in our office but I didn't get enough money to buy one.

Ruth Buzzi

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

Emo Philips

Last night she was banging on my door for forty-five minutes - but I wouldn't let her out.

Dean Martin

Oh, Why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills - I mean, flee to my lodge in the hills.

Groucho Marx

Valerie fondles men like a mousetrap fondles mice.

Roger McGough

One woman I was dating called and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

Rodney Dangerfield

I'm not into the one-night thing. I think a person should get to know someone and even be in love with them before you use them and degrade them.

Steve Martin

Using a complex, sophisticated technique to get a man excited is like preparing a gourmet French meal for a Labrador retriever.

Dave Barry

She plucked from my lapel the invisible strand of lint - the universal act of women to proclaim worship.

O. Henry

_I'm a southern belle. Flirting is part of my heritage. _What she means is, he mother was a slut too.

Blanche Deveraux and Dorothy Zbornak, The Golden Girls

Many men like to pursue an elusive woman, like a cake of wet soup in a bathtub.

Gelett Burgess

_What are you doing in the closet? _Nothing. Come on in.

Groucho Marx

I like only to types of men - domestic and foreign.

Mae West

I have no problem with British men. I think there is something endearing about desperation and hopelessness.

Melinda Messenger

Why is it so difficult to fined men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking? The already have boyfriends.

Jane Caron

The difference between Charles Manson and every woman I've dated is that Manson had the decency to look like a nut the first time you meet him.

Richard Jeni

I'm all for computer dating but I wouldn't want my sister to marry one.

Emo Philips

I'm married now, so I do most of my dating on the Internet.

Buddy Parkes

Odds on meeting a single man: 1 in 23; a cute, single man: 1 in 529; a cute, single, smart man, 1 in 3,245,873; when you look your best, 1 in a billion.

Lorna Adler

_How many women you slept with? _Roughly… _I don't care how you did it…just the number.

James Herbert and Stuart Bondek, Spin City

A lot of girls date me just to further their careers. Damn anthropologists.

Emo Philips

Men date thin girls because they're too weak to argue and they only eat salads.

Jennifer Fairbanks

When I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

Rita Rudner

Women might be able to fake orgasm, but me can fake whole relationships.

Jimmy Shubert

I want a man who is kind and understanding. Is that to much to ask of a millionaire?

Zsa Zsa Gabor

Romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized and sold off piece by piece.

Lisa Simpson

Your idea of romance is popping the can away from my face.


_It was so romantic, Mr Rigsby -champagne, soft lights, Tchaikovsky in the background… _Oh, was he there too?

Miss Jones and Rigsby, Rising Damp

Do you like Pina Colonics and getting caught in the rain?

Homer Simpson

Oh, those June nights on the Riviera … we were young, gay, and reckless! I drank champagne from your slipper - two quarts. It would have been more but you were wearing inner soles.

Groucho Marx

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Mitch Hedberg

I have such poor vision, I can date anybody.

Garry Shandling

People are going on dates now to coffee bars. This is a bad idea. Four cappuccinos later, your date does not look any better.

Margot Black

Natural childbirth classes are a great place to meet chicks, if you're into the fuller figure. And you can be reasonably sure these girls put out.

Jonathan Katz

The nice thing about a stalker - they're always there for you.

Jenny Abrams

I've been chased by women before but never while I was awake.

Bob Hope

I once had three dates on a single Saturday and still had time to defrost my refrigerator and rotate my tyres.

Roz Doyle, Fraiser

The older he gets, the younger his girlfriends get. Soon he'll be dating sperm.

Billy Crystal

I was dating a younger man. I asked him where he was when Elvis died. He said he was in amniotic fluid.

Robin Roberts

There is no furry like an ex-wife searching for a new lover.

Cyril Connolly

When going away for the weekend with a man, the woman has her hair cut, he bikini waxed, borrows a skirt from her best friend, buys a new top, dyes her eyelashes, diets, fills fifteen small plastic containers with lotion, tries on all her clothes, irons them, packs something 'sexy'. The man wonders if his wellies are in the car.

Debora McKinlay

The advantages of dating younger men is that on them everything, like hair and teeth, is in the right place as opposed to being on the bedside table or bathroom floor.

Candace Bushnell

I was dating a transvestite. My mother said, 'Marry him. You'll double your wardrobe.

Joan Rivers

I had a great time tonight. Really. It was like the Nuremberg Trials.

Woody Allen

I was dating a guy for a while because he told me he had an incurable disease. I didn't realize it was stupidity.

Gracie Hart

I asked this girl out and she said, 'You got a friend?' I said yes, she said 'Then go out with him.

Dom Irrera

_What's your new boyfriend like? _Did you ever see An Officer and a Gentleman? Well, he's kinda like the guy I went to see that with.

Phoebe Buffay, Friends

I have no self-confidence. When girls say yes, I tell them to think it over.

Rodney Dangerfield

A woman says to a man, 'I haven't seen you around here.' 'Yes,' he says, 'I just got out of jail for killing my wife.' 'So you're single….

Bernard Manning

--You wanna go see a movie? --No, thanks, I've already seen one.

Phoebe Buffay, Friends

The worst is when a guy lies to you about being married. He tells he is when he isn't.

Rhoda Morgenstern, Rhoda

I could sit in your lap all day if you don't stand up.

Groucho Marx

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag of her toes.

Emo Philips

A good place to meet a man is the dry cleaner's. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

Rita Rudner

I prefer young girls. Their stories are shorter.

Thomas McGuane

I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn't really a date date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed.

Dave Attell

I'm dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over.

Garry Shandling

I asked my date what she wanted to drink. She said, 'Oh, I guess I'll have champagne.' I said, 'Guess again.

Slappy White

Sometimes I'd rather stay home and watch the new movie of the week on TV than go out to a bar and see reruns of the guys I've dated.

Pamela Yager

So, do you live around here often?

Steven Wright

It's nights like this that drive men like me to women like you for nights like this.

Bob Hope

I'll meet you tonight under the moon. Oh, I can see you now, you and the moon. You wear a necktie so I'll know you.

Groucho Marx

Employees make the best dates. You don't have to pick them up and they're always tax-deductible.

Andy Warhol

One woman's Titanicis another woman'sLove Boat.

Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But I never met a girl who has fallen with an old ugly man who's broke.

Rodney Dangerfield

In time, you'll meet someone very special. Someone who won't press charges.

Gomez Addams, The Addams Family

A woman waits motionless until she is wooed. That is how the spider waits for the fly.

George Bernad Shaw

A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman Knows.

Monica Piper

I went out on a first date, but I don't think I'll be seeing her again. She got mad when I didn't open the car door. I just swam to the surface.

Emo Philips

--My idea of a perfect date would be a man who takes me for a romantic dinner, and then we walk along the beach barefoot discussing books and music. --No wonder you're still a virgin.

Cheryl Frasier and Karen Krantz, Miss Congeniality

Have the florist send some roses to Mrs Upjohn and write 'Emily, I love you,' on the back of the bill.

Groucho Marx

What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.

Jerry Seinfeld


Prince de Jounville and Great Rachel

More Funny Quotes