The day he moved out was terrible - that evening she went through hell. His absence wasn't a problem but the corkscrew had gone as well.
Only time can heal a broken heart, just as only time can heal his broken arm and legs.
Sensitive break-up letters are my specialty: Dear baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you. P.S. I'm gay.
You can always tell when the relationship is over. Little things start grating on your nerves. 'Would you please stop that! That breathing in and out, it's so repetitious.
When it's over, it's over. And I should know. I would get into bed and she would mentally dress me.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, great. If they don't they're probably having dinner with someone more attractive than you.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they're probably broke.
I waited for the phone to ring, and when at last it didn't, I knew it was you.
If he hadn't called you in about three weeks and you have no idea where he is, the chances are he's not in an emergency room moaning your name.
When someone asks, 'Why do you think he's not calling me?' there's always one answer - 'He's not interested.' There's not over any other answer.
Get your tongue out of my moth, I'm kissing you goodbye.
This guy dumped me because he said I have low self-esteem. I said, 'No kidding. I slept with you didn't I?
If you leave me, can I come too?
Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can't do it in one push. You have to rock it back and forth a few times until it goes over.
My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
_What do you say when you break up with a woman? _I usually say, 'I'll call you tomorrow.
Take me or leave me. Or as most people do - both.
One a woman has given her heart you can never get rid of the rest of her.
_I saw her giving me the once over. _Yes, she looked once and it was all over.
I'm still going on bad dates when by now I should be in a bad marriage.
If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead yet?
I'm single by choice. Not my choice.
I'd be equally as willing for a dentist to be drilling than to ever let a woman in my life.
I broke up with my girlfriend. She moved in with another guy, and I draw the line at that.
If you never want to see a man again say, 'I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have your children.' Sometimes the leave skid marks.
I was dating this girl for two years, and then the nagging starts, 'I wanna know your name.
I don't use the word 'relationship'. Unless you're screwing your cousin, that's a 'relationship'.
_What do you do when the romance start to go out of a relationship? _I get dressed and go home.
To Keep a man you must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom. I hire the other two and take care of the bedroom bit myself.
The fastest way to a man's heart is through his chest.
I don't know what went wrong between me and my girlfriend - or Tubby as I called her.
Most beautiful but dump girls think they are smart and get away with it, because other people, on the whole, aren't much smarter.
Brains are never a handicap to a girl if she hides them under a see-through blouse.
Boys don't make passes at female smart-asses.
A woman who has a head full of Greek or carries on fundamental controversies about mechanics, might as well have a beard.
No man ever stuck his hand up your dress looking for a library ticket.
I think … therefore I'm single.
A woman, especially if she has the misfortune of knowing anything should conceal it as well as she can.
The only place men want depth in a woman is in her décolletage.
Two out of five Irish women prefer alcohol to sex and it's just my luck to have gone out with both of them.
Every man I meet want to protect me. I can't figure out from what.
I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was fun until we ran out of quarters.
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
My girlfriend told me she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
Don't think of him as a date, think of him as a dinner.
Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform and old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancée.
When I finally met Mr right, I had no idea his first name was 'Always'.
Young man, if she asks if you like her hair that way, beware; the woman has already committed matrimony in her heart.
I am going to cancel my date and spend the evening eating doughnuts in a cardigan with egg on it.
When I'm not in a relationship, I shave one leg. That way, when I sleep, it feels like I'm with a woman.
I can't get a relationship to last longer than it takes to copy their CDs.
I'm a one-man woman. One man at a time.
Another one of your 'till dawn do us part' relationships?
I took up a collection for a man in our office but I didn't get enough money to buy one.
I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.
Last night she was banging on my door for forty-five minutes - but I wouldn't let her out.
Oh, Why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills - I mean, flee to my lodge in the hills.
Valerie fondles men like a mousetrap fondles mice.
One woman I was dating called and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
I'm not into the one-night thing. I think a person should get to know someone and even be in love with them before you use them and degrade them.
Using a complex, sophisticated technique to get a man excited is like preparing a gourmet French meal for a Labrador retriever.
She plucked from my lapel the invisible strand of lint - the universal act of women to proclaim worship.
_I'm a southern belle. Flirting is part of my heritage. _What she means is, he mother was a slut too.
Many men like to pursue an elusive woman, like a cake of wet soup in a bathtub.
_What are you doing in the closet? _Nothing. Come on in.
I like only to types of men - domestic and foreign.
I have no problem with British men. I think there is something endearing about desperation and hopelessness.
Why is it so difficult to fined men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking? The already have boyfriends.
The difference between Charles Manson and every woman I've dated is that Manson had the decency to look like a nut the first time you meet him.
I'm all for computer dating but I wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
I'm married now, so I do most of my dating on the Internet.
Odds on meeting a single man: 1 in 23; a cute, single man: 1 in 529; a cute, single, smart man, 1 in 3,245,873; when you look your best, 1 in a billion.
_How many women you slept with? _Roughly… _I don't care how you did it…just the number.
A lot of girls date me just to further their careers. Damn anthropologists.
Men date thin girls because they're too weak to argue and they only eat salads.
When I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
Women might be able to fake orgasm, but me can fake whole relationships.
I want a man who is kind and understanding. Is that to much to ask of a millionaire?
Romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized and sold off piece by piece.
Your idea of romance is popping the can away from my face.
_It was so romantic, Mr Rigsby -champagne, soft lights, Tchaikovsky in the background… _Oh, was he there too?
Do you like Pina Colonics and getting caught in the rain?
Oh, those June nights on the Riviera … we were young, gay, and reckless! I drank champagne from your slipper - two quarts. It would have been more but you were wearing inner soles.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I have such poor vision, I can date anybody.
People are going on dates now to coffee bars. This is a bad idea. Four cappuccinos later, your date does not look any better.
Natural childbirth classes are a great place to meet chicks, if you're into the fuller figure. And you can be reasonably sure these girls put out.
The nice thing about a stalker - they're always there for you.
I've been chased by women before but never while I was awake.
I once had three dates on a single Saturday and still had time to defrost my refrigerator and rotate my tyres.
The older he gets, the younger his girlfriends get. Soon he'll be dating sperm.
I was dating a younger man. I asked him where he was when Elvis died. He said he was in amniotic fluid.
There is no furry like an ex-wife searching for a new lover.
When going away for the weekend with a man, the woman has her hair cut, he bikini waxed, borrows a skirt from her best friend, buys a new top, dyes her eyelashes, diets, fills fifteen small plastic containers with lotion, tries on all her clothes, irons them, packs something 'sexy'. The man wonders if his wellies are in the car.
The advantages of dating younger men is that on them everything, like hair and teeth, is in the right place as opposed to being on the bedside table or bathroom floor.
I was dating a transvestite. My mother said, 'Marry him. You'll double your wardrobe.
I had a great time tonight. Really. It was like the Nuremberg Trials.
I was dating a guy for a while because he told me he had an incurable disease. I didn't realize it was stupidity.
I asked this girl out and she said, 'You got a friend?' I said yes, she said 'Then go out with him.
_What's your new boyfriend like? _Did you ever see An Officer and a Gentleman? Well, he's kinda like the guy I went to see that with.
I have no self-confidence. When girls say yes, I tell them to think it over.
A woman says to a man, 'I haven't seen you around here.' 'Yes,' he says, 'I just got out of jail for killing my wife.' 'So you're single….
--You wanna go see a movie? --No, thanks, I've already seen one.
The worst is when a guy lies to you about being married. He tells he is when he isn't.
I could sit in your lap all day if you don't stand up.
I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag of her toes.
A good place to meet a man is the dry cleaner's. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
I prefer young girls. Their stories are shorter.
I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn't really a date date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed.
I'm dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over.
I asked my date what she wanted to drink. She said, 'Oh, I guess I'll have champagne.' I said, 'Guess again.
Sometimes I'd rather stay home and watch the new movie of the week on TV than go out to a bar and see reruns of the guys I've dated.
So, do you live around here often?
It's nights like this that drive men like me to women like you for nights like this.
I'll meet you tonight under the moon. Oh, I can see you now, you and the moon. You wear a necktie so I'll know you.
Employees make the best dates. You don't have to pick them up and they're always tax-deductible.
One woman's Titanicis another woman'sLove Boat.
Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But I never met a girl who has fallen with an old ugly man who's broke.
In time, you'll meet someone very special. Someone who won't press charges.
A woman waits motionless until she is wooed. That is how the spider waits for the fly.
A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman Knows.
I went out on a first date, but I don't think I'll be seeing her again. She got mad when I didn't open the car door. I just swam to the surface.
--My idea of a perfect date would be a man who takes me for a romantic dinner, and then we walk along the beach barefoot discussing books and music. --No wonder you're still a virgin.
Have the florist send some roses to Mrs Upjohn and write 'Emily, I love you,' on the back of the bill.
What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.