What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? Their balls are just for decoration.
Do we have to keep talking about religion? It's Christmas!
I feel sorry for Jesus. It's always tough when your birthday's Christmas Day.
My worst Christmas? One Christmas morning, I woke up, I ran into the living room and my mother said, 'I just forgot.'
I never believed in Santa Clause because I knew no white dude would come into my neighbourhood after dark.
Christmas was awful when I was a kid, because I believed in Sant Clause. Unfortunately, so did my parents.
Christmas at my house is always more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone is seeing only one Sant Clause, we're seeing six or seven.
- We're going to have a baby. That's my Christmas present to you. - All I need was a tie.
Last Christmas, in my stocking there was an Odour-Eater.
I never know what to give my father for Christmas. I gave him $100 and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother.
I gave my wife a brand new watch for Christmas - waterproof, shockproof, unbreakable, and antimagnetic. Absolutely nothing could happen to it. She lost it.
Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
What I hate about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Christmas, or as Sky TV calls it, When Relatives Attack.
I bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note attached saying, 'Toys not included.'
Hey, Winona, only 153 shoplifting days till Christmas.
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
Christmas begins about December 1st with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April 15th of the next year.