Funny Quotes About Christmas

If it all feels overrated and overindulgent, try out some of these funny Christmas quotes to ease your festive anxiety and help you through the celebrations. From witty quips by Graham Norton and Woody Allen to bah humbug observations from Bernard Manning, you can cheer yourself up during the season of goodwill with these laugh-out- loud quotes.

What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? Their balls are just for decoration.

Graham Norton

Do we have to keep talking about religion? It's Christmas!

Danielle Chase

I feel sorry for Jesus. It's always tough when your birthday's Christmas Day.

David Corrado

My worst Christmas? One Christmas morning, I woke up, I ran into the living room and my mother said, 'I just forgot.'

Rob Burton

I never believed in Santa Clause because I knew no white dude would come into my neighbourhood after dark.

Dick Gregory

Christmas was awful when I was a kid, because I believed in Sant Clause. Unfortunately, so did my parents.

Charlie Viracola

Christmas at my house is always more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone is seeing only one Sant Clause, we're seeing six or seven.

W.C Fields

- We're going to have a baby. That's my Christmas present to you. - All I need was a tie.

Woody Allen

Last Christmas, in my stocking there was an Odour-Eater.

Rodney Dangerfield

I never know what to give my father for Christmas. I gave him $100 and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother.

Rita Rudner

I gave my wife a brand new watch for Christmas - waterproof, shockproof, unbreakable, and antimagnetic. Absolutely nothing could happen to it. She lost it.

Milton Berle

Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.


What I hate about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Phyllis Diller

Christmas, or as Sky TV calls it, When Relatives Attack.

Jenny Abrams

I bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note attached saying, 'Toys not included.'

Bernard Manning

Hey, Winona, only 153 shoplifting days till Christmas.


Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Johnny Carson

Christmas begins about December 1st with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April 15th of the next year.

P.J. O'Rourke

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