I took the wife's family out for tea and biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.
Many people would rather tour a sewer than visit their relatives.
I don't vising my parents often because Delta Airlines won't wait in the yard while I run in.
When I looked up my family tree I found out I was the sap.
If turn into my parents, I'' either be an alcoholic blonde chaing 21-year-old boys, or I'll wind up like my mother.
To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to loose both looks like carelessness.
The only advantage to being an adult is that you can eat your dessert without having eaten your vegatables.
There are few things more satisfying than seeing your children have teenagers of their own.
Saw my mom today. It was all right she didn’t see me.
Telling a teenager the facts of life is like giving fish a bath.
No need to worry about teenagers when they're not at home. A national survey reveals that they all go to the same place - 'out' - and they all do the same thing - 'nothing'.
Never lend your car to anyone whom you have given birth.
Adults are obsolete children.
There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't aggravate.
You know your kids are growing up when they start asking questions which there are answers.
_Jack's up in his room planning his future. _The only thing he's planning is his next wank. Whether he's going to use his left hand or his right.
I am so absolutely certain there is no life on Mars. It's not listed on my daughter's phone bills.
Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
The only thing I ever said to my parents when I was a teenager was 'Hang up, I got it!
The worst eternal triangle know is a teenager, parent and telephone.
Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.
My daughter thinks I'm nosy - at least, that's what she wrote in her diary.
If you've never seen a real, fully developed look of disgust, tell your son how you conducted yourself when you were a boy.
If Abraham's son had been a teenage it wouldn't have been a sacrifice.
Teenagers are God's punishment for having sex.
So, you're my daughter's dat. Let me warn you - anything happens to my daughter, I've got a .45 and a shovel. I doubt anybody would miss you.
Adolescence is the stage between puberty and adultery.
On thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
My teenage son is half-man, half-mattress.
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have an old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was so astonished at how much he learned in seven years.
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
Yes, I did take money from the kids' piggy banks, but I always left you an IOU.
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
I take my children everywhere but they always find their way back home.
If thine enemy offend thee, give his child a drum.
Parents are not interested in justice, they are interested in quiet.
One thing they never tell about child-raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat , you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.
The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant - and let the air out of their tyres.
I'm against corporal punishment. Mental torture is much more effective.
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
There are only two things that a child will share willingly - communicable diseases and its mother's age.
Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
When I was a girl I had only two friends, and they were imaginary. And they would only play with each other.
When I was a kid, I had no friends. If I wanted to play on the seesaw, I had to keep running from one end to the other.
I had a happy childhood. We were poor, but we were shoplifters.
Everyone wants to save the earth. No one wants to help mom dry the dishes.
any child who is anxious to mow the lawn is too young to do it.
When I was a young child, I had an imaginary friend, and I thought that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him, and he could talk to me, and he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up and stopped going to church.
If a kids asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell them is 'God is crying.' And if they ask why god is crying, another cute thing to tell them is, 'Probably because of something you did.
There are three ways to get something done: dot it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
Even when freshly washed a relieved of all the obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.
I'd like to smack smug parents who say, "Our three-year-old's reading Harry Potter.' Well, my three-year-old's smearing his shit on the fridge door.
I'd say half of all our Lego has been through this kid.
Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.
My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.
I am fond of all children except boys.
You can tell the kids are growing up: their bite marks are higher.
My parents finally realize that I've been kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: they rent out my room.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He asked for more proof.
Oh, honey, you're not the world's worst mother. What about the freezer lady in Georgia?
Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.
Kids are like husbands - they're fine as long as they're someone else's.
If a child shows himself to be incorrigible, he should be decently and quietly beheaded at the age of twelve les he grow to maturity, marry and perpetuate his kind.
Patience and restraint are what parents have when there are witnesses.
When kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.
The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you start to sound like a five-year-old.
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
I was there at the first night of J.M. Barrie's play, Peter Pan. Oh, for an hour of Herod!
Children can be horrible - manipulative, aggressive, rude and unfeeling to a point where I often think that, if armed, they would make up the most terrifying force the world has ever seen.
The worst sensation I know of is getting up at night and stepping on a toy train.
One time I had to go out, so I asked Woody Allen to watch the children. When I returned less than an hour later, he was throwing his hats and gloves on fire. The kids were ecstatic. Woody just shrugged and said, 'I ran out of things.
The main purpose of the children's parties is to remind you that there are children worse than yours.
The trouble with children is that they are not returnable.
Little kids in supermarkets buy cereal the way men buy lingerie. They get the stuff they have no interested in just to get the price inside.
In general, my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced on television.
Toddlers are more likely to eat healthy food if they find it on the floor.
Kids will eat anything - snot, scabs, soil, earwax, toenail clippings. But not sprouts.
Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.
My mother never saw the irony of calling me a son of a bitch.
I told my mon I was gonna run away from home. She said, 'On your marks…
My very first day of school, my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. I didn't know anyone. And there were lots of trees.
My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle.
Fortunately, my parents were intelligent, enlightened people who accepted me for what I was - a punishment from God.
When I was a kid, we had a quicksand pit in our backyard. I was the only child … eventually.
Most men are secretly still mad at their mothers for throwing out their comic books, which would be very valuable now.
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.
Big sisters are crabgrass on the lawn of life.
I didn't get a toy train like other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, every so often, you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
When I was a kid, I played doctors and nurses with the boy next door and goes sued for malpractice.
The child was a keen bed-wetter.
Children and zip fasteners do not respond to force. Except occasionally.
What is a home without children? Quiet.
Don’t buy one of those baby monitors. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards and they do it on purpose.
It is not advisable to put your head around your child's door to see if it is asleep. It was.
Notoriously insensitive to subtle shifts in mood, children will persist in discussing the colour of the recently sighted cement-mixer long after one's interest in the topic was waned.
Warning: remove child before folding.
Men who have fought in the world's bloodiest wars are apt to faint at the sight of a truly foul diaper.
Out of the mouth of babes - usually when you've got your best suit on.
I hate to see women breastfeeding in public. The baby's head obscures your view.
Kids are great. You can teach them to hate the things you hate and they practically raise themselves nowadays, you know, with the Internet and all.
My mother didn't breastfeed me. She said she just liked me as a friend.
I can't get past the fact that milk is coming of my wife's breasts. What once was an entertainment center hast turned into a juice bar.
I have good-looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats one me.
I was so ugly as a kid, when I played in the sand pit. The cat kept covering me up.
Like so many infants of tender years, he presented to the eye the aspect of a mass murderer suffering from an ingrowing toenail.
I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.
When I was born, my mother looked at me and look at the afterbirth and screamed, 'Twins!
All babies are supposed to look like me - at both ends.
When your first baby drops its dummy, you sterilize it. When your second baby drops its dummy, you tell the dog to go 'Fetch!
Never change diapers in mid-stream.
I have three children - one of each.
I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five ain't bad.
If you desire to drain to the dregs the fullest cup of scorn and hatred that a fellow human being can pour out for you, let a young mother hear you call her baby 'it'.
An advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.
The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.
I love my kids. Of course, I'd trade any of them for a dishwasher.
It was on my fifth birthday, my dad put his hand on my shoulder and said, 'Remember, son, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one on the end of your arm.
My mother bores everyone with our photo albums. There's even one called 'Pictures We Took Just To Use Up The Rest Of The Film'.
I like flipping through our family photo albums. It's fun to see what I looked like as a baby, and what my apartment furniture looked like new.
My family is so dysfunctional that when I looked up the word 'dysfunctional' in the dictionary there was a picture of my mother.
I played with my grandfather a lot when I was a kid. He was dead, but my parents had him cremated and put his ashes in my Etch-a-Sketch.
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps many parents going.
My mother loved children. She would have given anything if I had been one.
If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
The black dog was the only intelligent member of the family. He died a few years later. He was poisoned, and no one will convince me it wasn't suicide.
Coming from my family, having a happy childhood was as likely as Jeffrey Dahmer being the food critic of New York Times.
If murder had been allowed when my Dad was in his prime, our home would have been like the last act of Othelloalmost daily.
My dad was a joker. Whenever I misbehaved, he would burry me in the backyard. Only up to the waist, but you can get really dizzy when all the blood rushes to your head.
Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot. But I always found them.
We used to have fire drill practice in my house. Everybody had their own special duty. My dad had to get the pets, my mom took the jewellery, my brother ran to get help. They told me to save the washer and the dryer.
When I was little, my father used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
When I was a baby, my father used to throw me up in the air and then go and answer the phone.
My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and penchant for buggers. My mother was a fifteen-year-old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My childhood was typical: summers in Rangoon; luge lessons. In the spring, we'd make meat helmets.
I never saw my grandad as I was growing up, because he was excellent at hiding.
Remember, as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family.
_Are you the oldest in the family? _No, no, my mother and father are much older.
A family is a unit composed of a man, a woman, children, an occasional animal, and the common cold.
I believe in large families. Everyone should have at least three husbands.
I came from a typical American family. You know, me, my mother, her third husband, his daughter from a second marriage, my stepsister, her illegitimate son.
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soup-on-a-rope.
All a child can expect is that its father be present at the conception.
A woman knows everything about her children. She knows about dental appointments and football games and best friends and favourite foods and romances and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
You know you're a mother when you use your own saliva to clean your child's face, and when your child throws up, you catch it.
A successful parent is one who raises a child who grows up and is able to pay for their own psychoanalysis.
I had dinner with my father last night, and made a classic Freudian slip. I meant to say, 'Please pass the salt,' but it came out, 'You prick, you ruined my childhood.
The thing that best defines a child is the total inability to absorb information from anything not plugged in.
I love to go down to the playground and watch all the kiddies jumping and shouting. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
_Yeah, sure, for you, a baby's all fun and games. For me, it's diaper changes and midnight feedings. _Doesn't Mom do all that stuff? _Year, but I have to hear about it.
My unhealthy affection for my second daughter was waned. I know despise all of my seven children equally.
They fuck you, your mom and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. And fill you with the faults they had And add some extra, just for you.
The only thing you have to remember about labour babies is not to stick your thumb in that soft bit on their heads.
Having children gives your life a purpose. Right now, my purpose is to get some sleep.
I love children, especially when they cry, because then somebody takes them away.
Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething.
Becoming a grandmother is great fun because you can use the kid to get back at your daughter.
If your baby is beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses, sleeps on schedule and burps on time - you're the grandma.
My father thought I was so ugly he carried around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. My parents gave me a rattle that was still attached to the snake.
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
I was never a mother's favourite - I was an only child.
When I was born, I was so surprised that I didn't talk for a year and a half.
A baby is nothing more than a loud noise at one end no sense of responsibility at the other.
When I got my foster son, he was the cutest little guy I'd ever seen but there was always a little voice at the back of my mind going, 'Remember, the saxophone was in the closet after a month.
Having a baby is like suddenly getting the world's worst roommate, like having Janis Joplin with a bad hangover and PMS come to stay with you.
My friends keep wanting to show me films of their baby's birth. No, thanks, but I'll look at the video of conception, if you have one.
I was a caesarean birth, but you can't really tell, except that every time I leave the house I go out by the window.
I love children - if they're properly cooked.
If pregnancy were a book, they would cut the last two chapters.
To simulate the birth experience, take one car jack, insert into rectum, pump to maximum height and replace with a jack-hammer. And that would be a good birth.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
You have this myth, as the father, that if you're there at the birth, you're sharing the birthing experience. Unless you're opening an umbrella up your ass, I don't think so.
One of my friends told me she was in labour for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
When first they brought the baby in to me I stared inert, and thought, this is the author of my pain.
I remember the very first time I ever held my son in my arms as a new born. Everything else in the universe melted away. There was just a father, a son, and the distant sound of my wife saying, 'If you ever come near me again, I'll drop you with a deer rifle.
I felt like a man trapped in a woman's body. Then I was born.
For a father, a home birth is preferable. That way you're not missing anything on television.
I told my wife I don't want to be there at the birth. I don't see why my evening should be ruined too.
I got married and we had a baby nine months and ten seconds later.
My wife, God bless her, was in labour for 32 hours, and I was faithful to her the entire time.
Good work, Mary. We all knew you had it in you.
It's kind of ironic that they caution pregnant women not to drink alcohol in case it harms the baby. If it wasn't for alcohol, most women wouldn't be that way.
By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
I'm hooping my baby boy is a homosexual because they're good to their mothers.
_What are you hoping it is? _My husband's.
My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt.
To enter life by way of the vagina is as good a way as any.
I envy Kangaroos. The baby Crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, and gets into the pouch, and starts to grow. I'd have a baby if it would mature in my handbag.
Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to conceive.
Giving away baby clothes and nursery furniture is a major cause of pregnancy.
My husband and I have decide to start a family while my parents are still young enough to look after them.
Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies who like to eat theirs.
I'll never have a baby because I'm scared I'll leave it on top of my car.
I do get broody occasionally - like when I'm lying on the couch and can't get the remote I think, a kid would be nice right now.
I can't have children because I have white couches.
Parenthood is a lot easier to get into than out of.
Pregnancy is incredible. I can't believe you can create a human being just from things you have around the house.
I was asking a friend who has children, 'What if I have a baby and I dedicate my life to it and it grows up and hate me, and it blames everything wrong with its life on me.' And she said, "What do you mean, if?
My friends are like, oh, you should have a baby. You'll learn all sorts of stuff, like how to survive on two hours' sleep. If I want to learn that, I'll just become a political prisoner.
_Imagine a child with my beauty and your brains. _Yes, but what if the child inherits my beauty and your brains?
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin or carpet or our lives.