Funny Quotes About Character


Best funny quotes about character

He was dull in a new way, and that made many people thinkhim great.

Samuel Johnson

I'm an electric eel in a pond full of flatfish.

Edith Sitwell

I don't fit in. I'm like the only one in a nudist colony with a duffel coat.

Victoria Wood

The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Remember, you're fighting for this woman's honour - which is probably more than she ever did.

Groucho Marx

I don't have ulcers. I give them.

Harry Cohn

Aunt Agatha, who eats broken bottles and wears barbed wire next to the skin.

P.G. Wodehouse

He is a very hard guy, indeed. In fact, the softest thing about him is his front teeth.

Damon Runyon

The meek shall inherit the earth. Serves them right.

Denis Leary

The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights.

John Paul Getty

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

Rita Rudner

She looked as if butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. Or anywhere else.

Elsa Lanchester

It's innocence when it charms us, ignorance when it doesn't.

Mignon McLaughlin

His neck looks as if it could dent an axe.

Richard Brautigan

Infamy, infamy, they've all got it in for me!

Kenneth Williams

The worst-tempered people I've ever met were people who knew they were wrong.

Wilson Mizner

He never let the sun go down on his wrath, though there were some colourful sunsets while it lasted.

A.A. Thomson

She was heaving gently like a Welsh rarebit about to come to the height of its fever.

P.G. Wodehouse

People in a temper often say a lot of silly things that they really mean.

Penelope Gilliat

Ask him the time and he'll tell you how the watch was made.

Jane Wyman

He has as much backbone as a chocolate eclair.

Theodore Roosevelt

Nobody knows anything, but I, knowing I know nothing, am the smartest man in the world.

Socrates

Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you fall flat on your face.

L. Binder

It ain't the things you don't know that get you into trouble; it's the things you know for sure which ain't so.

Josh Billings

I wish I was as cocksure of anything as Tom Macaulay is of everything.

Lord Melbourne

He's a very weak-minded fellow and, like the feather pillow, bears the marks of the last person who has sat on him.

Earl Haig

No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating one peanut.

Channing Pollock

I may be middle class, but I'm hard. Al dente, you might say.

Jimmy Carr

He has a heart like a twelve-minute egg.

Jay Mclnerney

The most dangerous thing in the world is to leap a chasm in two jumps.

David Lloyd George

A coward dies a hundred deaths, a brave man only once. But then once is enough isn't it?

Harry Stone

I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Boscoe Pertwee

I don't think I've ever been to an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up.

George Costanza, Seinfeld

I'm not afraid of heights but I'm afraid of widths.

Steven Wright

You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the guy next to you.

Peter Benchley

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Kevin James

She's the sort of person who goes through life holding on to the sides.

Alice Thomas Ellis

Mothers, food, love and career are the four major guilt groups.

Cathy Guisewite

I'm afraid of sharks, but only in a water situation.

Demetri Martin

I have the heart of a small boy. I keep it in a jar on my desk.

Stephen King

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

Mark Twain

To be positive is to be mistaken at the top of one's voice.

Ambrose Bierce

Self-respect is the secure feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious.

H.L. Mencken

I was so embarrassed I could feel my nerves curling like bacon over a hot fire.

Margaret Halsey

Men are never so serious, thoughtful, and intent, as when they are at stool.

Jonathan Swift

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Abraham Lincoln

If there is one thing hypocrites hate, it's hypocrisy.

Jack Rosenthal

If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it is possible you haven't grasped the gravity of the situation.

Jean Kerr

When a person tells you, 'I'll think it over and let you know' - you know.

Olin Miller

Patience is the willingness to listen to the other person tell you his troubles before you tell him yours.

Herbert Prochnow

Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.

Oscar Wilde

I have a really nice step ladder but, sadly, I never knew my real ladder.

Harry Hill

Mom said she learned to swim when someone rowed her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.

Paula Poundstone

I have my standards. They may be low, but I have them.

Bette Midler

You know you're trailer trash when you allow your 12-year-old daughter to smoke at the dinner table in front of all her kids.

Greta Garbage

- I don't mind if I do. You must come over and try mine some time.

Groucho Marx

My mom is so cautious. I broke a glass on the kitchen floor in 1954, my parents sold the house in 1985, and my mom warns the new owners, 'I think we got all the big pieces, but watch out for slivers.

Elayne Boosler

I've tried listening to a relaxation tape. The rain is supposed to calm me down but I keep worrying that I left my car windows down.

Rose Martin, The Golden Girls

You're the only man in the world with clenched hair.

Oscar Madison, The Odd Couple

I'm as comfortable as a lame turkey sat on a pile of Paxo listening to Christmas carols.

Les Dawson

Dean Martin could make a plate of cooked spaghetti seem tense.

Frank Sinatra

Check your neck. You may be a redneck if.. you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without; you've worn a tube top to a wedding; your family tree doesn't fork; in tough situations you ask yourself, 'What would Curly do?

Jeff Foxworthy

Experience is a comb life gives you after you lose your hair.

Judith Stern

I thought I wasn't gonna make it. Then I started to think positive. Now I'm positive I'm not gonna make it.

Sammy Shaw

I was going to buy a book called The Power of Positive Thinkingand then I thought, what the hell good would that do?

Ronnie Shakes

We are all worms, but I do believe I am a glow-worm.

Winston Churchill

Before they made S.J. Perelman they broke the mould.

Groucho Marx

Do you know how helpless you feel if you have a cupful of coffee in your hand and you start to sneeze?

Jean Kerr

The only flair is in her nostrils.

Pauline Kael

You have to admire Madonna. She hides her lack of talent so well.

Manolo Blahnik

The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest about it.

James Agate

My veins are filled once a week with a Neapolitan carpet cleaner distilled from the Adriatic and I am bald as an egg. However, I still get around and am mean to cats.

John Cheever

I could see that, if not actually disgruntled, he was far from gruntled.

P.G. Wodehouse

Don't say you agree with me. Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

Oscar Wilde

My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.

Benjamin Disraeli

I could never learn to like her - except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.

Mark Twain

Always acknowledge a fault frankly. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you opportunity to commit more.

Mark Twain

He's as slippery as an eel that's been rubbed all over with axle-grease.

P.G. Wodehouse

There's just something I don't like about him. I can't put my finger on it, but if I did, I'd have to wash it.

Dorothy Zbornak, The Golden Girls

Know him? I know him so well that I haven't spoken to him for ten years.

Anon

If you think nobody cares if you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of car payments.

Flip Wilson

I've had death threats before - well, okay, a petition.

Jack Dee

Not everybody hates me. Only the people who've met me.

Emo Philips

I admire his work, but I couldn't warm to him if I was cremated next to him.

Keith Richards

The Texan turned out to be good-natured, generous and likeable. In three days, no one could stand him.

Joseph Heller

W.C. Fields never wanted to hurt anyone. He just felt an obligation.

Gregory LaCava

One of the worst things in life is not how nasty the nasty people are. You know that already. It is how nasty the nice people can be.

Anthony Powell

Lady Constance looks on me as a sort of cross between a leper and a nosegay of deadly nightshade.

P.G. Wodehouse

If you think you're too small to make an impact, try going to bed with a mosquito in the room.

Betty Reese

I am a doormat in a world of boots.

Jean Rhys

If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve.

Ashleigh Brilliant

As a source of entertainment, conviviality and good fun, she ranks somewhere between a sprig of parsley and a single ice-skate.

Dorothy Parker

I like her from a distance. You know, the way you like the sun. Maris is like the sun - except without the warmth.

Frasier Crane, Frasier

Few great men could pass Personnel.

Paul Goodman

He's a self made man, the living proof of the horrors of unskilled labour.

Ed Wynn

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