He was dull in a new way, and that made many people thinkhim great.
I'm an electric eel in a pond full of flatfish.
I don't fit in. I'm like the only one in a nudist colony with a duffel coat.
The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons.
Remember, you're fighting for this woman's honour - which is probably more than she ever did.
I don't have ulcers. I give them.
Aunt Agatha, who eats broken bottles and wears barbed wire next to the skin.
He is a very hard guy, indeed. In fact, the softest thing about him is his front teeth.
The meek shall inherit the earth. Serves them right.
The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights.
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
She looked as if butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. Or anywhere else.
It's innocence when it charms us, ignorance when it doesn't.
His neck looks as if it could dent an axe.
Infamy, infamy, they've all got it in for me!
The worst-tempered people I've ever met were people who knew they were wrong.
He never let the sun go down on his wrath, though there were some colourful sunsets while it lasted.
She was heaving gently like a Welsh rarebit about to come to the height of its fever.
People in a temper often say a lot of silly things that they really mean.
Ask him the time and he'll tell you how the watch was made.
He has as much backbone as a chocolate eclair.
Nobody knows anything, but I, knowing I know nothing, am the smartest man in the world.
Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you fall flat on your face.
It ain't the things you don't know that get you into trouble; it's the things you know for sure which ain't so.
I wish I was as cocksure of anything as Tom Macaulay is of everything.
He's a very weak-minded fellow and, like the feather pillow, bears the marks of the last person who has sat on him.
No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating one peanut.
I may be middle class, but I'm hard. Al dente, you might say.
He has a heart like a twelve-minute egg.
The most dangerous thing in the world is to leap a chasm in two jumps.
A coward dies a hundred deaths, a brave man only once. But then once is enough isn't it?
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
I don't think I've ever been to an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up.
I'm not afraid of heights but I'm afraid of widths.
You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the guy next to you.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
She's the sort of person who goes through life holding on to the sides.
Mothers, food, love and career are the four major guilt groups.
I'm afraid of sharks, but only in a water situation.
I have the heart of a small boy. I keep it in a jar on my desk.
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
To be positive is to be mistaken at the top of one's voice.
Self-respect is the secure feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious.
I was so embarrassed I could feel my nerves curling like bacon over a hot fire.
Men are never so serious, thoughtful, and intent, as when they are at stool.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
If there is one thing hypocrites hate, it's hypocrisy.
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it is possible you haven't grasped the gravity of the situation.
When a person tells you, 'I'll think it over and let you know' - you know.
Patience is the willingness to listen to the other person tell you his troubles before you tell him yours.
Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.
I have a really nice step ladder but, sadly, I never knew my real ladder.
Mom said she learned to swim when someone rowed her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.
I have my standards. They may be low, but I have them.
You know you're trailer trash when you allow your 12-year-old daughter to smoke at the dinner table in front of all her kids.
- I don't mind if I do. You must come over and try mine some time.
My mom is so cautious. I broke a glass on the kitchen floor in 1954, my parents sold the house in 1985, and my mom warns the new owners, 'I think we got all the big pieces, but watch out for slivers.
I've tried listening to a relaxation tape. The rain is supposed to calm me down but I keep worrying that I left my car windows down.
You're the only man in the world with clenched hair.
I'm as comfortable as a lame turkey sat on a pile of Paxo listening to Christmas carols.
Dean Martin could make a plate of cooked spaghetti seem tense.
Check your neck. You may be a redneck if.. you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without; you've worn a tube top to a wedding; your family tree doesn't fork; in tough situations you ask yourself, 'What would Curly do?
Experience is a comb life gives you after you lose your hair.
I thought I wasn't gonna make it. Then I started to think positive. Now I'm positive I'm not gonna make it.
I was going to buy a book called The Power of Positive Thinkingand then I thought, what the hell good would that do?
We are all worms, but I do believe I am a glow-worm.
Before they made S.J. Perelman they broke the mould.
Do you know how helpless you feel if you have a cupful of coffee in your hand and you start to sneeze?
The only flair is in her nostrils.
You have to admire Madonna. She hides her lack of talent so well.
The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest about it.
My veins are filled once a week with a Neapolitan carpet cleaner distilled from the Adriatic and I am bald as an egg. However, I still get around and am mean to cats.
I could see that, if not actually disgruntled, he was far from gruntled.
Don't say you agree with me. Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.
My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
I could never learn to like her - except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.
Always acknowledge a fault frankly. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you opportunity to commit more.
He's as slippery as an eel that's been rubbed all over with axle-grease.
There's just something I don't like about him. I can't put my finger on it, but if I did, I'd have to wash it.
Know him? I know him so well that I haven't spoken to him for ten years.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of car payments.
I've had death threats before - well, okay, a petition.
Not everybody hates me. Only the people who've met me.
I admire his work, but I couldn't warm to him if I was cremated next to him.
The Texan turned out to be good-natured, generous and likeable. In three days, no one could stand him.
W.C. Fields never wanted to hurt anyone. He just felt an obligation.
One of the worst things in life is not how nasty the nasty people are. You know that already. It is how nasty the nice people can be.
Lady Constance looks on me as a sort of cross between a leper and a nosegay of deadly nightshade.
If you think you're too small to make an impact, try going to bed with a mosquito in the room.
I am a doormat in a world of boots.
If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve.
As a source of entertainment, conviviality and good fun, she ranks somewhere between a sprig of parsley and a single ice-skate.
I like her from a distance. You know, the way you like the sun. Maris is like the sun - except without the warmth.
Few great men could pass Personnel.
He's a self made man, the living proof of the horrors of unskilled labour.