Art is art, isn't it? And water is water and east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like apple-sauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does.
If you have a burning restless urge to paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass.
The true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art.
An amateur is an artist who supports himself with outside jobs which enable him to paint. A professional is someone whose wife works to enable him to paint.
What is an artist? For every thousand people there's nine hundred doing the work, ninety doing well, nine doing good, and one lucky bastard who's the artist.
He had the great traditional stimulant to the industry of an artist - laziness and debt.
Multi-images of Marilyn Monroe are now as dated as hula-hoops. Where does that leave Warhor's art? On the wall, is the unfortunate answer.
A sculpture is just a drawing you fall over in the dark.
Sculpture: mud pies which endure.
One should either be a work of art, or wear a work of art.
Henry Moore's sculpture in Hyde Park looks like something that's fallen off a jumbo jet.
The only way I'd find a waxwork museum interesting is if it was set on fire.
I went to a museum where they have all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
Visiting museums bastardizes the personality, just as hobnobbing with priests makes you lose your faith.
How often my soul visits the National Gallery, and how seldom I go there myself.
Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise man to be able to sell it.
If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable?
Rembrandt painted 700 pictures. Of these 3,000 are in existence.
I inherited a painting and a violin, which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made awful violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.
Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves they have a better idea.
It's amazing that you can win the Turner Prize with an E in A-Level art, a twisted imagination and a chainsaw.
He was our greatest living painter, until he died.
Who among us has not gazed at a painting of Jackson Pollock's and thought, 'What a piece of crap'?
This is either a forgery or a damn clever original.
Jeff Koon's work is the last bit of methane left in the intestine of the dead cow that is post-modernism.
The more you look at modern art exhibits, the more everything begins to look like an exhibit, including the attendant's chair and the fire extinguisher.
- For two days' labour, you ask two hundred guineas? - No, I ask it for the knowledge of a lifetime.
Turner's painting The Slave Ship looks like a tortoiseshell cat having a fit in a plate of tomatoes.
The naked truth about me is to the naked truth about Salvador Dali as an old ukulele in the attic is to a piano in a tree, and I mean a piano with breasts.
I doubt that art needed Ruskin any more than a moving train needs one of its passengers to shove it.
If the old masters had labelled their fruit, one wouldn't be so likely to mistake pears for turnips.
Whistler, with all his faults, was never guilty of writing a line of poetry.
I hate flowers. I paint them because they're cheaper than models and they don't move.
I simply refuse to countenance paintings that do not have at least a horse, gladioli or a canal in them.
Every time I paint a portrait, I lose a friend.
There are three kinds of people in the world: those who can't stand Picasso, those who can't stand Raphael, and those who have never heard of either.
Dada wouldn't buy me a Bauhaus.
Art, like morality, consists in drawing the line somewhere.
Art is anything you can get away with.
There is no more sombre enemy of art than the pram in the hall.
The day is coming when a single carrot, freshly observed, will spark off a revolution.
Did you hear about the ship that ran aground carrying a cargo of red and black paints? The entire crew was marooned.
There is something wrong with a work of art if it can be understood by a policeman.
Van Gogh would have sold more than one painting if he'd put tigers in them.
- I like Chagall. It feels like how being in love should be - floating through a dark blue sky. - With a goat playing the violin.
I do not paint a portrait to look like the subject, rather does the person grow to look like his portrait.
In a good portrait, the eyes follow you around the room.
Oh, I wish I could draw. I'd give my right arm to be able to draw.
There are only two styles of portrait painting; the serious and the smirk.
A portrait is a picture in which there is something wrong with the mouth.
When having my portrait painted I don't want justice, I want mercy.
Graham Sutherland's portrait of me makes me look as if I was having a difficult stool.
I would never have taken up painting if women did not have breasts.
When their backsides look good enough to slap, there's nothing more to do.
Michaelangelo's David? Now there's a guy who works out.
Bring my umbrella - I am going to see John Constable's pictures.
A picture is worth a thousand words - particularly if you can't read.
They couldn't find the artist so they hung the picture.
I couldn't have that painting hanging in my home. It would be like living with a gas leak.
How Botticellian! How Fra Angelican!