The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age.
Growing old is compulsory. Growing up is optional.
I knew I was getting old when the Pope started looking young.
What would I appreciate getting for my 87th birthday? A paternity suit.
_What is the secret to your long life? _Keep breathing.
At my age, flowers scare me.
The years that a woman subtracts from her age are not lost. They are added to the ages of other women.
To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early or be respectable.
The Grateful Dead are like bad architecture or an old whore. Stick around long enough and you eventually get respectable.
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets; the more interested he is in her.
I attribute my long and healthy life to the fact that I never touched a cigar rete, a drink, or a girl until I was 10 years old.
Old age is like waiting in the department lounge of life. Fortunately we are in England and the train is bound to be late.
One of the delights know to age and beyond the grasp of youth is that of Not Going.
I'm at the age where my back goes out more than I do.
Like the pro said, it's not the work, it's the stairs.
There are three ages of man: youth, middle age, and 'you're looking well'.
The old believe everything; the middle suspect everything; the young know everything.
To be young, really young, takes a very long time.
I refuse to admit that I'm more than 52, even if that makes my sons illegitimate.
As a graduate of the Zsa Zsa Gabor School of Creative Mathematics, I honestly do not know how old I am.
My sister, Jackie, is younger than me. We don't know quite by how much.
Exactly how old is Joan Collins? We need a expert. Someone who reads the rings on tress.
Maturity is a high price to pay for growing up.
To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am.
Growing old is like being increasingly penalized for a crime you haven't committed.
Whenever your friends compliment you about looking young, you may be sure they thing you are growing old.
Whatever a man's age may be, he can reduce it by several years by putting a bright-coloured flower in his buttonhole.
Middle age is when you are sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it wasn't for you.
Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
My grandmother is over 80 and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right of the bottle.
Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative.
As a young man, I used to have four supple members and one stiff one. Now I have four stiff and one supple.
If I'd known I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself.
I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else.
As a lady of a certain age, I am willing to let the photographers and their zoom lenses stay, but only if they use their Joan Collins lens on for close-ups.
There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.
To what do I attribute my longevity? Bad luck mostly?
If I marry again at my age, I'll go on honeymoon to Viagra Falls.
_Who wants to be 95? _94-year olds.
There's one advantage to being 102. No peer pressure.
_To what do you attribute your long life? _To the fact that I haven't died yet.
There's one more terrifying thing about old people: I'm going to be one soon.
You can live to be 100 if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be 100.
When I turn my hearing aid up to ten, I can hear a canary break wind six miles away.
I was introduced to a beautiful young lady as a man in his nineties. Early nineties, I insisted.
If you live to be 90 in England and call still eat a boiled egg, they think you deserve the Nobel Prize.
If you are allowed to smack children you should be allowed to smack old people as well, because they are just as much of a nuisance as children, if not more.
We've all seen them, on the street corners, many of them smoking, many of them on drugs; they've got no jobs to go to, and once a week we see them queuing for the state hand-outs - or pensions, as we call them.
My grandmother's 85 and starting to get forgetful. The family's upset about it but I don't mind because I get eight cheques on my birthday from her. That's forty bucks.
I knew I was getting older when I was in Marks and spencer's, saw a pair of Doctor Scholl's and thought, hmm, they look comfy.
You know you're old when your family talk is about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.
First, you forget names, then you forget faces. Next, you forget to pull your zipper up and finally you forget to pull it down.
I'm too old for a paper round, too young for social security and too tired for an affair.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
It's official. I'm middle-aged. I don't need drugs anymore. I can get the same effect just by standing up real fast.
I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over.
After forty, a woman has to choose between losing her figure or her face. My advice is too keep our face, stay sitting down.
A man is only as old as the women he feels.
_How old Carry Grant? _Carry Grant fine. How you?
Mick Jagger told me the wrinkles on his face were laughter lines but nothing is that funny.
Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.
There are people who are beautiful in dilapidation, like houses that were hideous when new.
Is not old wine wholesomest, old pippins toothsomes, old wood burns brightest, old linen wash whitest, and old lovers soundest?
Age is something that doesn't matter unless you are cheese.
How foolish to think that one can ever slam the door in the face of age. Much wiser to be polite and gracious and ask him to lunch in advance.
_How did your meeting with the movie produce go? _Terrific. He said I have the eyes of a 12-year-old, the complexion of a 20-year-old, and the legs of a 25-year-old. _What about your 60-year-old cunt? _You were never mentioned.
Take my photography? You might as well use a picture of a relief map of Ireland!
When I looked at the wrinkled skin on W.H. Auden's face, I kept wondering, what must his balls look like?
Men in their forties are like the New York Times Sunday crossword puzzle - tricky, complicated, and you're never really sure you got the right answer.
Wrinkle cream doesn't work. I've been using it for two years and my balls still look like raisins.
It's great to have grey hair. Ask anyone who's bald.
If you want to know how old a woman is, ask her sister-in-law.
I'm not really wrinkled. I just took a nap on a chenille bedspread.
_You know what the worst part about getting old is? _Your face?
The secret of my youthful appearance is simple - mashed swede. As a face mask, as a night cap, and in an emergency, as a draught excluder.
I found my first grey hair today. On my chest.
I said to my husband, my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs. He said, 'Blue goes with everything.
I can't believe I'm thirty. Do you know how much that is in gay years?
In Los Angeles, people don't get older, they just get tighter.
I don't want to live to be 100. I don't think I could stand to see bell bottom trousers three times.
I don't feel 80. In fact I don't feel anything until noon, then it's time for my nap.
You know you're getting older when you have sex with someone half your age and it's legal.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
I'm pleased to be here. Let's faced it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.
I'm so old, my blood type is discontinued.
Big 30. It's the perfect age. You can date college girls and their mothers.
I'm 65 but if there were 15 months in every year, I'd only be 48.
There is still no cure for the common birthday.
A women is as old as she looks before breakfast.
She said she was approaching 40 and I couldn't help wondering from which direction.
One problem with growing older is that it gets increasingly tougher to find a famous historical figure who didn't amount to much when he was your age.
Never trust a woman who tells you here real age. A woman who would tell you that, would tell you anything.
A women telling her true age is like a buyer confiding his final price to an Armenian rug dealer.
From birth to 18, a girl needs good parents. From 18 to 35, she needs good looks. From 35 to 55, good personality. From 55 on, she needs good cash.
Thirty is a nice age for a women. Especially if she happens to be forty.
It's sad to grow old, but nice to ripen.
The older you get, the better you get - unless you are a banana.
Every morning I get up, I read the obituary page. If my name's not there, I shave