Funny Quotes About Advice

Best funny quotes about advice

If you want people to think you're wise, just agree with them.

Leo Rosten

Do not take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive.

Elbert Hubbard

You'll find as you go through life that great depth and smouldering sexuality don't always win, I'm sorry to say.

Woody Allen

I have problems flown in fresh daily wherever I am.

Richard Lewis

I have had more trouble with D.L. Moody than with any other man I ever met.

D.L. Moody

There are ways out of everything , apart from Birmingham's one-way system.

Jasper Carrott

Solutions are not the answer.

Dan Quayle

It is a mistake to think you can solve major problem just with potatoes.

Douglas Adams

Keep cool. It will be all one a hundred years hence.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

No problem is insoluble given a big enough plastic bag.

Tom Stoppard

It is better to give then to lend, and it costs about the same.

Philip Gibbs

Treat a whore like a lady and a lady like a whore.

Wilson Mizner

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning… sleep late.

Henny Youngman

It is useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk, or running for office.

Shirley MacLaine

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Henry David Thoreau

Always look out for number one and be careful not to step in number two.

Rodney Dangerfield

Be yourself!' is about the worst advice you can give to some people.

Tom Masson

The eleventh commandment: thou shalt not be found out.

George Whyte-Melville

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

George Bernard Shaw

People who live in glass houses might as well answer the door.

Morey Amsterdam

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.

Mark Twain

There are few problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosive.

Merv Price

When I asked my accountant if anything could get me out of the mess I am in now, he thought for a long time… 'Yes,' he said. 'Death would help.

Robert Morley

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Yogi Berra

If you want to get rid of somebody, just tell them something for their own good.

Kin Hubbard

You will always find some Eskimo ready to instruct the Congolese on how cope with heatwaves.

Stanislaw J. Lec

It's easier to put on slippers than to carpet the whole world.

Al Franken

If you're going through hell, keep going.

Winston Churchill

Everything is in the hands of man. Therefore wash them often.

Stanislaw J. Lec

Never buy a portable television set in the street from a man who is out of breath.

Arnold Glasgow

Of all the thirdy-six alternatives, running away is best.

Chinese proverb

I'm reading Hints From Heloise and she says that if you put an angora sweater in the freezer for an hour, it won't shed for the rest of the day. And I'm thinking, my cat sheds an awful lot.

Ellen DeGeneres

Two heads are better than one - unless they're on the same body.

Harry Hershfield

If you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

Military motto, the Green Berets

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

George Carlin

If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself', as O.J. Simpson once told me.


If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot yourself in the posterior.

A.J. Liebling

Always burn correspondence. Disregard everybody. Faint gracefully. Howsoever interpret John Keats. Learn macramé. Nibble only. Untangle vines.

Edward Gorey

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Ashleigh Brilliant

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

Erma Bombeck

You haven't got the guts to pull that trigger' is almost always a bad thing to say.

Russell Bell

Just remember: it's lonely at the top, when there's no one on the bottom.

Rodney Dangerfield

Always say Benjamin Franklin said it first and people will accept your idea much more readily.

David Comins

A red port-wine stain on the face can be removed with white wine or lemon.

Vic Reeves

Never be afraid to try something new. Noah was an amateur; the Titanic was built by professionals.

James Prentice

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Terry Pratchett

Never do anything in bed that you can't pronounce.

Mitch Murray

Pissing in his shoe keeps no man warm for long.

Icelandic proverb

If you can't take the heat, don't tickle the dragon.

Scot Fahlman

Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Terry Pratchett

The good thing about procrastination is that you always have something planned for tomorrow.


Never put off until tomorrow what can be off until the day after tomorrow.

Mark Twain

Always buy a good pair of shoes and a good bed, because if you're not in one, you're in the other.

Joan Collins

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a faceful of rain.

George Carlin

Start off every day with a smile and get it over with.

W.C. Fields

For sincere advice and the correct time, call any number at random at 3.00 am.

Steve Martin

I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.

Oscar Wilde

Remember: it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to pull the trigger of a decent sniper rifle.

Mitch Henderson

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.

Erica Jong

When a man comes to me for advice, I find out the kind of advice he wants, and I give it to him.

Josh Billings

The best advice I was ever given was on my twenty-first birthday when my father said, 'Son, here's a million dollars. Don't lose it.

Larry Niven

I always advise people never to give advice.

P.G. Wodehouse

No vice is so bad as advice.

Marie Dressler

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