I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always, ‘cos you never hear of a plane backing into a mountain.
Tommy Cooper
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Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on the windscreen, it said, ‘Parking Fine’.
Tommy Cooper -
I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said, ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster. Go for it.
Tommy Cooper -
The producer said, ‘How are you feeling?’ I said, ‘I’m feeling a bit funny.’ He said, ‘Well, get out there before it wears off.
Tommy Cooper -
Today has been eighty degrees in the shade. I was clever. I stayed in the sun.
Tommy Cooper -
I went to the butcher’s the other day and I bet him fifty quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, ‘No, the steaks are too high.
Tommy Cooper -
I inherited a painting and a violin, which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made awful violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.
Tommy Cooper -
My wife told me I’ll drive her to her grave. I had the car out in two minutes.
Tommy Cooper -
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
Tommy Cooper -
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered in hundreds and thousands. Police say he topped himself.
Tommy Cooper