I once dated a guy who was so dumb he couldn’t count to twenty-one unless he was naked.
Joan Rivers
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If I found you floating in my pool, I’d punish my dog.
Joan Rivers -
The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she is shopping.
Joan Rivers -
Taking advice about marriage from Elizabeth Taylor is like taking sailing lessons from the captain of the Titanic.
Joan Rivers -
Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum. ‘My God, the floor’s immaculate. Lie down, you hot bitch.
Joan Rivers -
I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again.
Joan Rivers -
My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle.
Joan Rivers -
When I was born, my mother looked at me and look at the afterbirth and screamed, ‘Twins!
Joan Rivers -
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. My parents gave me a rattle that was still attached to the snake.
Joan Rivers -
No man ever stuck his hand up your dress looking for a library ticket.
Joan Rivers