• When I’m on a plane, I can never get my seat to recline more than a couple of centimetres, but the guy in front of me – his seat comes back far enough for me to do dental work on him.

    Ellen DeGeneres
  • Experts say you’re more likely to get hurt crossing the street than you are flying, but that doesn’t make me feel any less frightened of flying. If anything, it makes me more afraid of crossing the street.

    Ellen DeGeneres
  • I’m reading Hints From Heloise and she says that if you put an angora sweater in the freezer for an hour, it won’t shed for the rest of the day. And I’m thinking, my cat sheds an awful lot.

    Ellen DeGeneres
  • We used to have fire drill practice in my house. Everybody had their own special duty. My dad had to get the pets, my mom took the jewellery, my brother ran to get help. They told me to save the washer and the dryer.

    Ellen DeGeneres
  • You can always tell when the relationship is over. Little things start grating on your nerves. ‘Would you please stop that! That breathing in and out, it’s so repetitious.

    Ellen DeGeneres
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