I don’t think there’s intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
Bob Monkhouse
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Bob Hope was a slave-driver with his gag writers. You’d be in the bathroom and he’d shout through, ‘Hope you’re using the paper in there. You gotta pen?
Bob Monkhouse -
Everybody laughed when I first told them I wanted to he a comedian – well, they’re not laughing now.
Bob Monkhouse -
Last time I went to Portugal I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels.I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.
Bob Monkhouse -
I had a job selling hearing aids door to door. It wasn’t easy, because your best prospects never answered.
Bob Monkhouse -
I would never be unfaithful to my wife for the simple reason that I love my house too much.
Bob Monkhouse -
I had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.
Bob Monkhouse -
My wife said, ‘Can my mother come down for the weekend?’ So I said, ‘Why?’ And she said, ‘Well, she’s been up on the roof two weeks already.
Bob Monkhouse -
They say such lovely things about people at their funerals, it’s a shame I’m going to miss mine by just a few days.
Bob Monkhouse -
Growing old is compulsory. Growing up is optional.
Bob Monkhouse